...

Negative. Another unsuccessful month. That makes 19 consecutive unsuccessful months. I hit a new low tonight. When I found out, sounds emitted from my mouth that I didn't know a human could make. I felt like someone had died. I sobbed and shook and and hyperventilated and felt like I was going to pass out and throw up for 45 minutes straight.

And then I stopped.

I am still beyond terrified of not being able to have our own children. But I was able to calm down enough to eat dinner and write this entry. I guess I have to start somewhere. A big bowl of ice cream may be in my very near future.

I talked with the doctor and we don't have all that many options left. We can do IUI two more times, and then after that, if neither of them have resulted in pregnancy, they recommend we move on to IVF, as there most likely is some unforeseen cause that is inhibiting our success. IVF is not a few hundred dollars, it's not even a few thousand, it's $12k - $15k PER TRY. Can we afford this? NO. Will we do this anyway? ABSOLUTELY. IVF has a success rate of a bit over 50% if the patient has viable eggs that result in a viable embryo once combined with viable sperm, so hopefully, that will happen if we need to do it.

But, we still have two IUI's to try before IVF. Unfortunately, both will have to be drug-free as I had an adverse reaction to clomid this month, which means I can't be on it anymore. The only other egg stimulant is injections and they don't do them for an IUI, only IVF. So let's hope that one of the next two IUI attempts works.

Please pray for us. This has been the hardest thing we've ever been through and I am terrified that biological children are not in our future. I believe I am a strong person, but my strength is really being tested. I am going to try these next few months to work on my optimism and try and find some hope, but any "good word" you can put in for us would be appreciated more than I can express. I need to be lifted up.