Cycle day 33 or Cycle day 1, whichever, we're there

AF arrived today. I'm super bummed but trying to focus on the positive. Because we took a 15-month health-mandated "hiatus" from infertility from September 2009 thru December 2010, it should feel like we're starting over again but in reality, it's a continuation, and it's impossible to totally erase the memories of the months of failed attempts that we experienced February 2008 thru August 2009: the anovulation, the diagnosis of PCOS, the meds, the 14 months of trying on our own, followed by the 6 months of trying with various medications (with and without IUI's, but we did do two), the nearly $6,000 of our own money, and the countless doctor visits. If we had taken a true break from the infertility stuff for 15 months, maybe this wouldn't seem so frustrating, but we didn't. We had 15 months of dealing with my health issues and being scared and in pain and recovering and quitting our jobs and moving, blah blah blah. So now starting on this path again...it's just flat out overwhelming. Because infertility is a culture, a way of life, and it likes to suck you dry.

No, we haven't had any miscarriages thank the good Lord, but with the exception of one chemical pregnancy which didn't even register as positive on a test, I've never been pregnant, not once, and it's a different kind of scary. I truly fear that I may never be pregnant. And if we are blessed with a pregnancy, I know I have an elevated risk of miscarriage due to my PCOS, not to mention any family history, which I also have to consider, in addition to the fact that miscarriages are far more common than women realize.

So even though I realize this is the first attempt of the new start with the healthy heart, the new doctor, and the new nutrition plan, it's still disappointing that it didn't work this month. Because we've been here before. It's not the end of cycle #1, it's the end of cycle #23 or 24, I've lost count...all of which have had the same result: not pregnant. Again, I know that people have walked a longer path to parenthood: my own parents struggled with infertility for 7 years (multiple miscarriages and a full term still born) before I came along and it never ceases to amaze me how they always listen to what we're feeling and going through without making comparisons or passing judgement on our decisions. They are always completely supportive and I thank them from the bottom of my heart. We have other family and friends who do the same, but having parents who can empathize in this situation to this degree and beyond is a blessing. I've read so many blogs written by women "suffering in silence" because they're parents or siblings or friends don't know what they're going through or don't understand, and it just adds salt to the wound. We certainly empathize with others who have struggled to conceive, and feel terrible for those who have suffered losses or struggled longer than we have, but it's not a contest. Infertility sucks, plain and simple, no matter what the story is behind each couple's individual struggle. If you've walked this path, I'm so sorry and I hope your story has a happy ending, as I hope ours one day will.

With all of that being said (phew, I'm feeling wordy tonight), I know it is best to focus on the now and try not to let the past interfere because we can't change the past but we can choose to focus on the present. {Good advice I received from my cousin that I am trying to follow, I promise}. So what is the positive?

1) I ovulated. HUGE. Thank you, Femara.
2) My cycle length was 33. Not 45, not 75, not 90, 33. Also huge. Thank you, Femara.
3) I am feeling good on my baby diet and have to believe that it is contributing to the above two achievements this month.
4) We have four more cycles to try on our own at home before the doc recommends we move on to a few IUI cycles with meds, and if that needs to happen, we have 3-4 IUI attempts to go through before he would recommend additional testing and, lastly, IVF.

For now, I just have to try and stay positive, let the past stay in the past and focus on where we are right now. Cycle day one, 2nd attempt this year. Please continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers.