Today, I would have been 12 weeks. We would have announced our pregnancy on Facebook sometime this week. I would have said something like, "At long last, Jason and I are thrilled beyond words to announce that our family of two will become a family of three in May." I would have had the beginnings of a little baby bump. We would have taken our first "family portrait" for our holiday card. I would have had my first of three high risk OB appointments at UCLA last Wednesday. I would not feel as lost as I do, nor would I have cried my eyes out two Saturdays ago after having dinner with a sorority sister who is 7 months pregnant. Although I love it so much, and am so appreciative of the dear friend who bought it for me, I would not have the need to wear my memorial necklace, as beautiful as it is.
Today, had I not miscarried 4 weeks ago, I would still be pregnant. I would be far enough along to sigh a little sigh of relief at having made it this far. In six more weeks, we would have found out the gender. We would have probably received a "Baby's First Christmas" something, an ornament, a bib, a onesie, something.
Thinking about what would have been is crippling. So I guess I won't. Not anymore today, at least. Today, I'm going apple picking with my husband and one of my best friends. It's a beautiful autumn day outside: crisp air, blue sky, and the promise of a good time awaits. I'll focus on that - further musings on what would have been can wait.
It's a good thing to do, to look forward ... not that it will take the pain away, but it will help you to cope. *hug*
ReplyDeleteI think about it all the time too. I think about how I'd have a 21 month old toddler by now had my chemical pregnancy been a term pregnancy. I think about how that might be the only pregnancy I ever get to experience. I think about how I'm nearing the end of my infertile rope. But most of all, I want you to think about how you're not alone in all of this. I think about my infertile interwebs friends all the time. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteAww that made me cry! I know how you feel. It's hard not to think of those things. That's great that you made some nice plans. Hope you enjoy. <3
ReplyDeleteAbiding with you as you remember what would have been.
ReplyDeleteThough you may not have reached that point this time, you will one day. I'm heartbroken that you weren't able to do this right now. But I can't wait for the day that you can!!
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