Yes, I'm still here

Moving is in full swing: mountains of boxes, stuff piled up in every available corner waiting to be placed in a box, lists of various tasks to be done here and there and everywhere. We are feeling the pressure, feeling sad about the reality of leaving our family and friends, but wading through each day like champs.

And we are on a break from building our family. Officially. And no, I'm not sure when we'll be "back." Honestly, I can't focus on that aspect of our life at the moment. We have to focus on us for a change, the bigger "us": our marriage, and "us" as individuals. Somewhere along the line we kind of forgot to really live -- looking back at the last four years, it has become crystal clear that our lives were on hold, waiting, waiting, always waiting. And it wasn't fair. We've missed out on so much and pieces of our true selves were buried deep under the mud and grime of infertility treatments and the despair that followed each and every failed cycle.

Life is too short, you know?

So I'm still here, just in a different place, a different capacity. My period arrived today, after a long 44 day cycle. I suppose it's fitting that I write on what I would have normally referred to as CD 1 -- only this time, CD 1 doesn't mean a damn thing. But I needed to write, because that's what I've always done on this day. I guess some habits are hard to break. And at the end of this cycle, I am going back on birth control. If we're not actively trying, my crazy cycle lengths are too crazy for me to deal with.  44 days was bliss in comparison to what I've endured in the past. Med-free, I was no stranger to 50 day cycles, 70 day cycles. Once, even a 91 day cycle. I felt like I was going bat-shit crazy. Nope. I refuse to do this to myself right now. I want to feel good, I want to be REGULAR. The best treatment for my PCOS is the birth control pill. In addition to regulating my cycles, my cysts will be managed, my lining won't get uber thick as time marches on between bleeds which keeps my risk of uterine cancer down {so many lovely things associated with PCOS}. So there you go. This infertile myrtle is taking charge, and taking the time to find herself again, which includes sessions with a health coach where we address my tendencies toward anxiety and my low self-esteem and skewed self-image. I'm not going to take my life for granted, not anymore. Each day is a blessing. I learned that in 2009 when I had open heart surgery but I think it took some time to really sink in.

Anyway, I've missed writing but really, there isn't much to say right now in terms of fertility. My life is not revolving around the pursuit of baby. It feels odd. It feels foreign, but also, it is liberating. Do we still want kids? Absolutely. But right now, after 4 long years, we are just tired and in need of a reboot. The next time I write, I will be doing so from a whole new state. See ya on the flip-side, and if you're still reading, thank you for your support!! When we come off this break, I hope you'll still be following along!