The post linked below is perfect in its rawness. It so adequately describes the deep-set fear that I still carry around with me in the darkest recesses of my heart; the fear that I have such trouble putting a name to and which brings me such pause because I don't quite know how to explain it aloud. Some emotions can only be felt, you know? I understand we have not yet reached this point in our own journey, we still have more time to try - and try we will when the time is right - but after so much loss, so much disappointment, so much pain and so many years, the fear is real. This post is perfectly real and perfectly terrifying and just plain perfectly sad.
http://www.mommyish.com/2013/03/29/after-infertility/
I, too, posted about this in my blog. She says in words what I feel in my heart all too well. I share your pain & hope someday we will see the other side of this struggle. ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteYour page was where I found the link! Thank you for sharing it as her words really spoke to me as well. ((hugs)) to you too!!
DeleteHi Melissa,
ReplyDeleteI found your blog through another site that featured a post you wrote on lean PCOS, and infertility. I was drawn into your blog because you write so well, and your descriptions are so accurate in describing feelings I've felt with infertility.
We struggled with infertility for 3 years until we adopted our son, and 2 years later, our daughter. When our daughter was 18 months, we decided our hearts, and emotions could handle more infertility treatments- without having our children to come home to after each unsuccessful attempt would have been unbearable! After 4 failed IUI's, we had to take a break due to my ovaries becoming hyperstimulated. Then, when we were able to do our 5th IUI, we had our first pregnancy, and our 3rd child was born. I've been on 1500 mg of metformin for the last 6 months with no changes, but I'm not ready to do infertility again quite yet.
If you'd like to view my blog, it's jimmyandesther.com and you can log in with the word "guest". If you want to read one of my posts about adoption, the link is here-http://jimmyandesther.com/2012/03/03/the-day-i-became-a-mommy/
I know adoption is not for everyone, but the gospel of Christ is. It has been what has helped me through, because His atonement not only covers all of our sins and mistakes, but our sorrows and pains too. He is the only one who can truly know what we feel, and empathize with us.
I found this video this morning- http://www.lds.org/pages/mormon-messages?cid=HP000016&lang=eng#mountains-to-climb I hope it brings a small bit of peace to you today.
I really hope and pray you will be able to be a mother soon! It is so hard to wait, and even harder to try, but when you finally have a child, it makes everything you have endured worth it.
Thank you for your kind words of support and encouragement! As you may have read on another post of mine, my husband and I are currently taking a breaking from trying to build our family as he is a doctoral student and we are no longer in a place financially or emotionally to undergo treatments at this time. But when the time is right, we will continue down that path. We are still relatively young (both 29) so we have a few years until our age is also a factor playing against us...although with PCOS, I sometimes worry that time is running out. We are definitely open to adoption but feel that we have not given having a biological child our "best shot." I have come to realize, in taking a step back from all things baby, that I have never really received the best care. I don't think I was taken seriously due to our young age and I think more in depth blood panels would reveal a lot. We are hopeful that with diet, infertility meds, and maybe other small adjustments with addition of having taken a few years "off" to allow my body and emotions to heal, previously attempted efforts such as IUIs will be a success. If not, we are gearing up for IVF. But I DO NOT consider adoption a "last ditch" effort - if we were blessed with a biological child, I strongly believe we'd consider adopting a 2nd. And if we come to realize that biological children are truly not an option for us, we would welcome a child in need of a loving home with open arms. Love is love. Thank you for finding me - I will check out your site!
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