A Different Kind of Mother's Day

Yesterday was Mother's Day (as if any of us had somehow managed to forget). It's admittedly not my favorite day of the year, for obvious reasons, but I was absolutely determined to not let it get to me as much as it has in year's past. This was my 7th Mother's Day since beginning the journey. Yep, 7th. 2008 - 2014 of Mother's Days. The first wasn't so bad because it rolled around just 3 months after we started trying to conceive so I didn't expect to be so lucky. But the 2nd stung because it had been longer than a full year of trying without any luck and I had been diagnosed with PCOS so I knew it was going to be a tough road. Just how tough I didn't yet know. The 3rd was rough in its own right because it was the one following my open heart surgery and, well, that's explanation enough. The Mother's day of 2011 was pretty status quo (the usual ache of not yet being a Mom after several years of medical upheaval) but Mother's Day 2012 was a fresh new phase of hell: the one after our loss. I was angry, bitter, pretty inconsolable that day. It also came just a few short weeks before our due date for the baby we had miscarried so it was painful on a truly visceral level. I don't remember what we did last year but I remember being in a funk all day and just feeling blah. So this year, I vowed to make it a different kind of day.

I treated myself with kindness -- what a concept.

I enjoyed a nice breakfast (pancakes, turkey bacon, coffee), went to the mall and did a little clothes shopping, ate nachos, made chicken pozole, took some photos for the community wind ensemble Jason conducts and plays trumpet in, and then we watched a cute little program about puppies. I kept busy, didn't check Facebook all that often (but I did post a tribute to my own mom, whom I am so incredibly blessed by each and every day), and just kind of let the day roll over me. I received a very sweet Mother's Day card earlier in the week from my cousin and her two little boys (who we think of as our nephews and one of whom is our godson), and I received very thoughtful messages from a few dear friends letting me know that I was in their thoughts and hearts, and that our angel baby was not forgotten, not by a long shot. I did have one well meaning friend tell me that perhaps when Jason and I move next year and get settled -- when my stress levels were reduced -- perhaps my body would cooperate...but, she had good intentions and I appreciated her concern for me.

Yesterday was Mother's Day, and even though I have not yet held our child in my arms, I decided that yesterday was also about me. About the women who have tried so desperately to be a mom but who have not yet succeeded in realizing that dream, that calling. No, I am not a mom but that is certainly not for lack of trying. So instead of punishing myself, I celebrated the valiant effort I've made.

Remember how I said I'm going to counseling? Well, it seems as though it's working. For the first time in 7 years, I didn't cry on Mother's Day. I teared up a bit when reading the kind messages from my friends and when my husband whispered, "Happy Mother's Day" to me when we woke up, but I didn't cry, not really, because these tears were born of gratitude for their compassion, empathy, and understanding. For their remembrance. And for me, that was a huge accomplishment, one that I'm more than a little proud of. Happy Mother's Day, friends. Your angel babies are with you, always.