I've really been trying hard to be more optimistic, focus more on the positives and what I do have, rather than what I don't. I've been trying to seek contentedness each and every day by not settling for humdrum but instead, pushing outside my comfort zone and doing things that a year ago would have scared me. For instance, I am renting a space at a local antique shop to display my photography. So far, it hasn't been a lucrative effort but the fact that I did it is huge.
But the truth is, I'm hurting. The truth is that I'm struggling again to find where I fit in and struggling against feelings of inadequacy and the ever-present notion of being left behind.
It's like quicksand. The more you wriggle and fight against it, 'it' being the pain of infertility that somehow slooowly creeps back into my life no matter how I try to change, the stronger the pull. It sucks me in and it manages to become a looming presence in my life. It only takes one bad day to get the ball rolling. But it's not consistent. I can push back against a bad emotional day and win and I do, most times. But then there's this one day that blindsides me with its strength and suddenly, sadness. Envy. Anger. Comparison. Like quicksand, I am pulled under the more I try to keep my head above ground.
So many little miracles are set to enter into the world in the coming days, weeks, months. So many announcements made, so many elated families. I just want our miracle to find us. I long to be a part of what I consider to be the greatest adventure: parenthood. But somehow, I'm still the one on the outside looking in, nose pressed to the window, my breath fogging up the glass.
You are not alone. I feel your pain and echo your words. It's soooo hard and some days are just bad. I thought about even praying that God would take away my desire to be a mother but I couldn't bring myself to go through with it.
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