Are you there, God? It's me, Melissa.

There have been times throughout this journey that I have thought, maybe, just maybe, if we were to go back to church, or made a concerted effort to pray more, we would get pregnant. Maybe God's punishing us for not taking a seat in His house every Sunday, or for not talking to Him as much as we used to. I know that's not rational and I know that's not how it works but when you're desperate, you begin to think anything and everything matters and if it can be changed or added/deleted from your life or routine in a direction that *might* increase your chances of pregnancy, you do it. You believe it. You HAVE to. Why? Because you're looking for a reason, any reason, that would explain the unexplainable, which in our case was and is, "Why can't we get pregnant?" 

IVF is looming. It is next for us, whenever we pick up the gauntlet again. Sometime this year, most likely. There are a lot of variables that need to fall in to place first but regardless, it's going to happen. And I'm scared. Terrified, actually. And not just for the medical and physical aspects of the process, either -- that's all bad enough. But also for the looong line of what if's that haunt me ---> what if it doesn't work? What if we put every cent we have in to it and still, we are childless? What if I have another miscarriage? What if they find out my eggs aren't any good? What if I have several miscarriages? What if it works a little too well and we're faced with a whole new set of challenges and risks that one faces when they're a petite woman with a heart health history who finds herself pregnant with multiples? I'm scared, and I'm anxious. But more than anything, I want to believe with all that I am that it will work, without all the what if's clouding my brain.

And so, I begin again:

Are you there, God? It's me, Melissa. Remember me? We talked a LOT in the latter part of 2009. Well, I mostly yelled and you mostly listened. And then I did a lot of pleading, and some bargaining. I promised you that if you let me live, I would, in turn, really try my best to LIVE my life to the best of my ability. I would be more joyful, more appreciative, worry less (still working on that one!) and love harder. I would try new things, not take people, experiences or things for granted, and I would strive for contentedness because just to be alive is a grand thing indeed. I haven't forgotten my promise and I haven't forgotten your mercy...even though I got pretty angry at you again two years later in the Fall of 2011. You know why. But I am working on my forgiveness, as our little one, for whatever reason, was not meant to be and we are not meant to understand why. And so I find myself once again in a position of begging and pleading for a miracle.

Oh God, please. Just let this work. Please oh please. Calm my mind and spirit and give us the strength to endure through this next phase of the process and allow us to have faith in your timing and not lose sight of the bigger picture. Please stay with me when I am feeling lost and shrunken by despair. If this ends up being yet another long and winding road in our journey-turned-odyssey to parenthood, please don't give up on me, even if I get angry and lash out, because it is then that I am most in need of your mercy and love.

********

I know we can do this. I know I can summon the inner strength to continue on through all of the poking and prodding because I know that someway, somehow, at the end of this particular road is our child. And that knowledge is what gets me through the harder moments. Some time ago, I lost sight of the vision I used to hold of our child. It started out strong in 2008 and then wavered through 2010, burst to life in 2011 and then crumbled into dust just a few short weeks later and never really returned. Until now. The vision is beginning to take shape again. I can see a bright light at the end of the tunnel and there is a shimmering outline of a child there who calls us mom and dad.

We're coming, baby. We're coming for you. And you'll be more than worth the wait.