I've had better days

Unfortunately, the IUI did not take and my cycle started today. It's been really hard, even harder than previous months because I learned that I had what is referred to as a chemical pregnancy. Nine DPO (days past ovulation) and thus nine days past when I was inseminated, I began having some pretty severe nausea. I didn't vomit but came close and had some overall food aversions. More nausea came on 11 DPO, again with the food aversions. I also had some other symptoms that I won't go in to here but trust me, they were there. We were feeling pretty confident and getting excited, although remaining relatively cautious and guarded. Then on Thursday, June 18 I started spotting and that went on for 4 days, which led in to today. My cycle was painful and heavy, and those two things combined with the previous symptoms and the fact that I was late by 3 days has led the doctors to believe that I had a chemical pregnancy. Basically, a chemical pregnancy is when the egg is fertilized but either didn't implant or didn't implant properly, causing the pregnancy to miscarry. So yea, it's been a rough day.

I know it's not healthy, but I just can't stop thinking about how close we were. If the blastocyst had somehow hung on, I'd be typing a very different entry right now. I'm thankful I didn't miscarry later on, like get a positive result and then miscarry a few weeks or months later. I know plenty of people, even in my own family, who have suffered that type of loss and it's devastating. So I guess I have to find and focus on the silver lining. I've also discovered another aspect of this whole process that really is challenging: in this case, doing something or having something happen over and over again doesn't make it easier, it only gets harder with each unsuccessful month. It's not like retaking a test until you improve, it's not like learning from your mistakes so you do better, it's harder and more emotionally draining each and every time.

So where do we go from here? We start all over again. I'm scheduled for my first ultrasound of the cycle this coming Wednesday, and will most likely start on clomid at that time as well. Then I will have some blood drawn, have about 3 more ultrasounds leading up to ovulation, take my test kit until a surge is detected and then go in for insemination, probably two times like this month. It's just all so tiring. This month marks the 1.5 year mark (18 months) that we've been officially actively trying for a baby. Please keep praying for us, please keep us in your thoughts. We're still in need of some positive vibes. The fact that so many of you keep telling us how you can't imagine us without kids is a driving force for us to keep moving forward. We appreciate the support and love, more than you know.