Another mountain to move

If you've been wondering where I've been these last two weeks, fasten your seatbelts. Although initially it seemed like things were progressing nicely, my five little eggies did not develop...at all. It also seemed as though I was not going to have any adverse effects with the new drug. LIE. I have had an irregular heart beat/heart palpitations all day, every day for 2-weeks and counting. It's not like it occurs every few hours, or even every few minutes. It's every few seconds, all day, for two weeks. No joke.

Now, to some of you this might just seem like an annoyance. And yes, yes it certainly is. But others of you know that I have a less common than most heart murmur and have to keep an eye on it every year or so with an EKG. I was born with it, but it's something, now that I'm an adult, that I have to watch out for and take care of by being proactive and staying healthy. One side of my heart is also bigger than the other, which is not explained away by the murmur, so I've been keeping an eye on it for the past nearly 2 years. So, you can see why the irregularity of my heart beat and rate would make me concerned. I have had to keep in touch with UCLA's congenital heart defect center during this whole process and actually had to present the fertility clinic with a letter from my cardiologist stating that I was fit to carry a child before beginning treatment, so now that I'm taking fertility drugs that are affecting my heart, I'm going in for another assessment at UCLA on September 30. I am going to have a procedure done (under conscious sedation, which seems like an oxymoron to me but whatever) where they put a tube down my throat with a camera on it and take pictures of my heart in action. We'll know more then.

In the mean time, it's been a two week roller coaster of emotion, something I should be used to by now but am not. We have decided to postpone all fertility procedures and ventures until I find out what's going on with my heart. This might sound all very matter of fact, but in all honesty, I'm petrified. I'm feeling very overwhelmed with anxiety, worry and apprehension, and again, it's another something I can't control. I have not felt "good" for almost a year now, with all of the meds and the emotional stress. So, I am coming to you all once again for a different kind of prayer proposal, this time for me and my overall health. Please keep me in your thoughts. This has been a really hard time for us and for me, and I'm finding that I'm wavering in strength more and more. Thank GOD for my wonderful husband, Jason and his undying support and strength. He has held me up and helped me move forward, being strong for us both when I couldn't be. He has remained focused on the positives when I could only see the negatives. What a blessing he is!! Below is a song that I have held close these past few days. I heard it on the radio and have felt a special connection to it ever since.

When You Believe
Duet by Whitney Houston and Mariah Carey

Many nights we've prayed
With no proof anyone could hear
In our hearts a hopeful song
We barely understood

Now we are not afraid
Although we know there's much to fear
We were moving mountains long
Before we knew we could

There can be miracles, when you believe
Though hope is frail, it's hard to kill
Who knows what miracles you can achieve
When you believe, somehow you will
You will when you believe

In this time of fear
When prayers so often prove(s) in vain
Hope seems like the summer birds
Too swiftly flown away

Yet now I'm standing here
My heart's so full I can't explain
Seeking faith and speaking words
I never thought I'd say

There can be miracles, when you believe
Though hope is frail, it's hard to kill
Who knows what miracles you can achieve
When you believe, somehow you will
You will when you believe

They don't (always happen) when you ask
And it's easy to give in to your fears
But when you're blinded by your pain
Can't see your way straight through the rain
(A small but )still resilient voice
Says (hope is very near)

There can be miracles
(Miracles)
When you believe
(Lord, when you believe)
Though hope is frail
(Though hope is frail)
It's hard to kill
Who knows what miracles,you can achieve
When you believe, somehow you will (somehow,somehow, somehow)
somehow you will
You will when you believe

You will when you
You will when you believe
Just believe...in your heart
Just believe
You will when you believe~