A rough week

My beloved grandfather, Harry, (mom's dad) passed away quite suddenly last Wednesday. We think he suffered a massive stroke or heart attack literally knocking him off his feet and causing him to fall back and hit his head. He struck his head so hard that he shattered his skull on the right side and when they tried to do surgery to relieve the rapid swelling of his brain, they discovered his injuries were inoperable and he passed away early the next morning, April 13. As soon as my mom called to let me know my grandpa had fallen and would be undergoing surgery, I made the 4 hour drive up to Santa Maria to be with my family. We sat by his bedside, arranged for him to have the last rites, and gathered again after he had passed to pray over his body. I just got home this Tuesday afternoon after spending a week in Santa Maria helping my mom with all of the arrangements and details. I was halfway through my meds when I went up to Santa Maria last Tuesday and so decided to keep taking them during my time with family. If I don't ovulate as a result of the stress and grief I have gone through, then so be it. If I don't feel like doing "business" this cycle, I'm not going to push it. Whatever will be, will be. I am too devastated and tired to care.

All of the stress and upheaval of the week is just now settling in. I had so much to do when I was with my grandma and family that I didn't have time to rest or grieve. Now that I'm home, it's all hitting me at once. I woke up at 3am this morning feeling super nauseous and spent the rest of the night on the couch. I miss my grandpa more than words can say. He was such a special man, so gentle and kind, so sweet and funny, a wonderful, loving husband {my grandparents would have been married for 65 yrs this June. My mom and I were planning an anniversary party for them}, father, and grandfather. He was a true hero, in every sense of the word. His memorial service is next Thursday.

I am so sad that he didn't get to meet our children. We have tried so hard, and I'm heartbroken that he won't be able to hold our baby in his arms, and that our children won't know him as I did. I know it's not common for children to know their great-grandparents {mine were long gone by the time I was born and Jason was born with only 1 grandparent alive, whereas I was fortunate enough to have both sets alive and well for the majority of my life thus far} but if we had been successful in trying for a baby 3 years ago, he would have known them. I know, I know, it was not meant to be, for more reasons than one, namely my heart complications, but still, it makes me sad.

Grandpa, we love you so so much and miss you dearly. Thank you for always being there for all of us, for your unconditional love and support and for being the wonderful man you were. May you rest in peace, always.