...My eggs aren't any good?
...I have endometriosis? {I'm pretty sure I do, I have all of the symptoms}
...I'm releasing "bad eggs" every month?
...I have a hostile environment and I'm killing off the sperm before it can get to my egg?
...I have premature ovarian failure?
...I have diminished ovarian reserve?
...We never see what our biological kids would look like?
...I get pregnant but then I have a miscarriage?
...I have several miscarriages?
...I have a full term stillborn like my mom?
...I can't carry a baby to term because of my heart?
...I have heart problems when pregnant?
...We can never afford to get our "take home" baby?
...I'm never pregnant?
My mind is full of what if's. This month is our last try-at-home-cycle before moving on to IUI. I still can't decide if it would be best to take a break for two months if this month isn't successful or if it would be best to keep plugging along now that my cycles have been so regular {3 months of normal cycles: 31, 30. 31}. Money is tight, but it will be tight for the next four years while Jason is in school {1 more year of grad school and then 3 more years of doctoral studies, wherever that will take us} and my ovaries aren't getting any better with time nor will my odds of getting pregnant improve with age. I really REALLY want to give it our all while we're in California since UCLA is so close and they want to monitor me and any potential baby due to my heart health, and I want to be pregnant close to my family and friends. So, we are undecided at this time, but will have to make a decision should this cycle not take. My gut instinct is to keep going - I'm ovulating and my cycles are more normal than they've been in a very long time. As my grandmother used to always say, "Whatever will be, will be." Very true - I just wish I could somehow magically become ok with whatever our future may hold...
I know the feeling of just wishing you somehow could know what the future has in store for you. Hoping that whatever happens, it brings you happiness!
ReplyDeleteBeing okay with however life turns out with or without one or more children is a long, hard process. All our lives we dream of becoming mothers, and then when it is finally time to become one and life denies us, it is hard to come to terms with that. To give up the dream. To night keep fighting, and plugging on.
ReplyDeleteSo often I wish that life were easier. That we didn't have to ask ourselves about all of the What Ifs. That we didn't have to sit and stew and worry about why things aren't happening, and what the next step should be.
There is a quote on my blog that I think of often, "The future is hidden from us by infinite wisdom, Molly, or else I should like to know it; one would calculate one's behavior at the present time so much better if one only knew what events were to come." ~Elizabeth Gaskell (Wives and Daughters)
All we can do is follow our hearts, instincts, and gut feelings, knowing that we are making the best decisions we can in the moment.