I guess I'm just disappointed. I keep hoping for this glorious number as a sign that this month will be THE month but I never seem to get it. I'm not very hopeful for this cycle - I don't feel any different than I normally do and today is CD25 or 10/11DPO. How many women get implantation bleeding? I didn't have any. Should my boobs feel different? They don't. Should I feel bloated or not bloated? I do, but that's nothing new.
If this cycle doesn't take, we're on to IUI. In my heart, I always knew this is where we'd end up. We've done IUI two times before, and I just knew we'd be in that place again. I feel like our current doctor was too cocky about things, too sure of himself and not listening enough to us or taking in to account my past experience with infertility prior to my heart surgery. He even said he was sure it would happen for us within 5 months of trying, that we were young, blah blah blah. He was sure. I kid you not, he actually used that word. Well, this cycle is month 6 and there is no baby in sight.
I realize that this cycle isn't done yet, that it's not over 'til it's over, but it's just a feeling. I've been thinking quite a bit about what our previous doctor said to us in November of last year when we went in for our consult when we were ready to be back on this journey. He really felt like we would need IVF. At the time, we felt like he was pressuring us, that he just wanted money, and/or was tired of waiting around for us to "get serious", which is a big reason why we stopped seeing him and started seeing who we're currently seeing. But now, I'm beginning to wonder if he was right all along. His explanation of the situation was this: I have PCOS, but I don't have many of the other attributes that affect PCOS patients, namely wacky hormone levels and weight issues. Those are under control, so why wasn't I getting pregnant? I'm young, and Jason is extremely fertile. Even when I was ovulating with medication {as has been demonstrated again this time around}, and even when we were doing IUI we were unsuccessful. Why? I thought it may have to do with my heart, and I'm still convinced it has a bit to do with it, but his explanation was this: Because women with PCOS tend to have tough eggs. Not just challenging tough, tough tough, as in hard to penetrate. My ovaries have lots of little cysts on them. Some of them are follicles that, with medication, will mature and release, but they've been around awhile, they're not "fresh eggs" so they are tough. There is no guarantee that an egg that is released is one that is "good" and penetrable. Just because I'm ovulating doesn't mean I'm releasing a viable egg, and if it is viable, it doesn't mean it's one that sperm can break in to. Hence his recommendation for us to consider IVF.
This scares me. What if he was right? What if we go through all of this, the at-home cycles, the IUI's, and none of it works and we're left staring down the reality of the LAST STEP. Those terrible three letters that make all of us IF'ers shiver and quake in fear. IVF. We can't afford it. We'd have to save for years, and then that's more years of waiting, of watching others get what we so want but can't have, and my ovaries will continue to age, as will the eggs in them. I'm just so scared. I want to believe that it'll happen for us, that we'll get our take home baby in time, and I'm trying to trust that this is all in God's time and not ours. I want to trust that, I truly do. But I also know that some people, despite it all, don't get what they so desire. I just fervently hope that we're not one of those couples. Please.
Your words made me cry because it touched the piece of me that hurts and fears and longs too! Know that you are not alone in this journey and even when it doesn't seem like it, God will sustain you. Josh and I are wrestling with many of the same things and I feel like I'm learning that there may not be a clear answer (IVF or no IVF). It may come to a place where we need to step out in faith that God will bless what we decide. (but this could just be blind lead blind here :) )
ReplyDeleteIn regards to your progesterone... I also have low progesterone and take Prometrium to supplement my levels. I was told that PCOS and a leuteal phase defect frequently (not always) occur together almost like one for of PCOS's irregularity issues cause a shortened leuteal phase cycle. Has your doctor given any suggestion as to the cause of your low levels? Mine have been over the magic "10" but never as high as yours. I also learned after my OBGYN failed to tell me that this supplementation was important if I did get pregnant because it would help sustain the pregnancy (they believe this is the cause of one if not both of my miscarriages). I guess I just wonder if it's something you should ask the Dr about?! Oh and I take progesterone in orally in pill form... if they will let you pick, this is a much better option! :) ~Michelle
Hi Michelle! Thank you for your kind words in response to my post. I often find myself grappling with the fear that comes along with the unknowns of our situation, and am trying SO hard to just trust that it will all work out how it is meant to. You and Josh are in our prayers!
ReplyDeleteAs for the progesterone, my levels have not been below 10 since February - I don't ovulate without meds which is why I'm on them and with them {for the most part} I'm over that magic 10. I wish I was consistently higher but I guess I should be happy with 11.7. Ovulation is ovulation, right?! They have been tracking my history for quite some time and a luteal phase defect has been on my mind as a possibility but has never been brought up by either of my docs. I will add it to my list of questions, should this month not take and we proceed on to IUI next month.
I appreciate your support, Michelle, and please know that I am here for you too!!
Infertility is such a hard pill to swallow. You start out with so much hope only to have it dashed and replaced with doubt and fear. Your once soft exerior is replaced with dragon-like scales as you contemplate where your treatments will take you. Where will you stop? Where do you draw the line?
ReplyDeleteI don't know if you have ever seen the show, "The Li.tt.e Couple" but they have been doing cycles trying to get eggs they can transfer to a surrogate. They have done 5 cycles so far and only gotten two eggs, one from two different cycles. It was so refreshing to hear Jen say that once you get started down the fertility treatment path, it is hard to stop and say you're done after a couple of failures. She said it on national television where fertile people could hear it. She validated why we infertiles keep going month after month for years on end. It is hard to draw the line and determine when you will call it quits because your heart will never get to that point.
I am cheering for you, and I think of you often.