Baby Fever

Remember when you first got married, or even before, but you were serious enough to start picturing what your children would look like with your steady somebody? Will they have my eyes? His smile? My laugh? His skin tone? My curly hair? His sense of humor? My love for reading? His love of music? And remember how it felt, to envision that magical "someday" of baby making? I've discovered I'm envious of those still blessed with experiencing and enjoying that feeling: the butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling of the actual possibility of starting a family, when two turns into three, then maybe four, then who knows? Maybe more.

On pinterest, so many of my friends have pin boards for future babies: nurseries, baby clothes, baby and kid birthday party ideas, baby food, kid's crafts, etc etc etc... Some of these friends are married, some are not, but you can just feel the excitement, the anticipation, the longing with these boards. Already, the baby fever has hit and I'm envious because I'd had baby fever since I was 19, once I knew for sure that Jason and I were in it for the long haul so, what, like 8 years? Then it heightened when we got engaged, then it went in to overdrive once we got married. And yet... For us, it remains a dream, but it sometimes seems unattainable, impossible. For those just starting out, anything's possible; it's all so new and fresh and, yes, even fun. Fun. Remember when dreaming about having a baby was fun? Not painful, not like dangling a carrot in front of a beaten down, starving horse. Fun. Joyous. A future full of potential.

Many of my friends will have babies when they're ready, without issue. Most of them won't know the pain we've been through these last few years, and I sincerely hope they do not. Unfortunately, it's statistically proven that a few of them will walk this path. I just wish I could feel that 'it' feeling again, before I was jaded, before I knew what real heartache was, before our dream was crushed month after month after month. That youthful optimism untouched by experience and chronic disappointment.

Maybe baby? Maybe someday, but then again, honestly, maybe not.