Dawn of a new day

Ok. So I grieved on Saturday. I was angry, frustrated, sad, and disappointed. But then the weirdest thing happened on Sunday - I was overcome by a feeling of quiet calm and peace. After some reflection, I realized something very important: I was not in a good place throughout the duration of my last cycle. From day one I was skeptical, anxious, pessimistic, and scared. It got worse when we had our ultrasound to see how many eggs we'd have for our IUI (you remember, the one "lousy" egg). I wasn't in a good emotional place or mental state, at all, borderline obsessive. You can't just throw out negative energy that intensely and expect something good to happen. It's hard because I've been crazy optimistic before and that hasn't gotten me anywhere either. But honestly, it has to be healthier to heir on the side of optimism as opposed to it's arch nemesis, the glass half empty approach.

What does my new outlook include, you ask? Following my fertility diet (ever since our miscarriage, I've kind of loosened up on that one so it's time to rein it in), exercising a few times a week, and trying, really trying, to be optimistic and calm. That's the hardest for me. I'm so jaded, but it's not going to do me any good to focus on the bad when I could be focusing {and dreaming!} about the good. Why not try to remain hopeful for what very well could be our best cycle yet, instead of obsessing about what might go wrong?

So far, I've impressed myself. I've kept to my diet, exercised 2x this week, and have remained focused and optimistic about this cycle. For whatever reason, I just feel GOOD. First thing Monday morning, I contacted my clinic and got the OK from my doctor to try 7.5mg of Femara this cycle (which is the highest dosage I can be on). Today is CD 6, day 4 of the Femara, and it's been ok. The only real difference I'm noticing, at least thus far, is that I'm having night sweats. Not fun. It's a listed side effect but one I hadn't experienced until now. Our follicle check ultrasound is next Wednesday morning at 8am. I'm hoping and praying for more than one mature follicle OR a super awesome lone egg. Either would be great. Our IUI will either be next Friday or Saturday.

I don't have rose colored glasses on. I'm not popping happy pills. I'm still sad, angry, disappointed, and frustrated about where we are so long after beginning this journey. But I'm actively trying to keep those emotions in check, and only allow them out for restricted lengths of time when appropriate. It's good to grieve, normal and natural to feel what I feel, to let it out when I need to, but then it's time to put that grief in it's place, stand up tall, and forge ahead. I know we won't get anywhere unless we keep going, keep trying. I don't want to let that bitter woman I can sometimes be take over and be me all of the time. I'm so much more than that person. I have so much more to offer the world than what I can or cannot grow in my womb. I won't let infertility beat me. I've been through a whole lotta hell and I'm stronger than it is, I know I am. The 7 inch scar down the center of my chest if proof. I just have to remember that I am, and trust that I am, and believe that I am, and one day, I'll be the victor, not the victim. Maybe that someday is rapidly approaching.

I believe it is.