Struggling

I'm not doing well tonight. I broke down in a fit of tears and hid in the closet until Jason discovered me.  My emotions may have erupted tonight, but the truth is, I've been fighting them for days. The trigger? I felt something tonight that usually means my period is on it's way. I hope I'm wrong, but I've had my period for 15 years now and I've gotten quite used to it's hints and clues...even more so over the last few years in my obsessive TTC state. I stopped dead in my tracks when I felt it, and knew. I honestly think this cycle is a bust.

I just want to be normal and get pregnant in the traditional fashion. No pills, no doctors, no procedures. Just me and Jason. Just love. Is that too much to ask?? We've now been actively trying for a baby for over 3 years now, that's 36 long, painful months, and been dreaming about it for over 4. I can't begin to tell you how hopeless and jaded I've become. With each successive failure, the ability to envision our baby has diminished to almost non-existent. I can't envision having a baby anymore. I can't fathom it. I can't imagine what giving birth will be like, what having a big, beautiful, bulging belly will be like. I can't see our baby, and I've come to believe that it's because we're never going to have one of our own. I realize there's no way that I can possibly know the true outcome of our journey, but I'm quite intuitive and I fear I know the truth. All the so-called symptoms I feel can be explained away by other things. In short, my mind is creating a path to the outcome I crave. The only problem is that it's not real.

I can't imagine what it must be like to just decide to have a baby, and to have it happen. There's a woman at work who started working out prior to getting pregnant to get her body in the best shape possible because "they knew they were going to do this." She's due in 2 weeks. She and her husband decided it was time, they got ready, and they're going to be parents in 2 weeks. I've had to stare at her ever-growing belly for the last 3 months, and will sit through her office baby shower on Friday, to which I donated money for an office gift. I will smile through my pain, as I've become all too accustomed to doing.

I don't think I'm pregnant this time. I just don't. Last time, I felt different. I felt like there was something happening inside of me. I felt pregnant. Going in to testing, I was cautious but excited and actually felt a rare confidence. This time, I don't feel anything. Please pray that I'm wrong. I need to be wrong.