We're taking a break and then, IVF

My period arrived today. I was supposed to test tomorrow but again, for the 3rd time in a row, that won't be necessary. I am filled with so many emotions, many of them obvious but also, a few that are taking me by surprise. Near the top of the list? Relief. Please don't misunderstand. I wanted this to work more than anything, and up until this morning, really thought it might be our month {as usual, I had all the right symptoms} but I'm so tired. And this period means the end for awhile. The end of the medications and all of their fun side effects, the doctor appointments, counting days on the calendar to see if any of the month's treatment will ruin any plans we've already made, trying to figure out how to get a day off of work for my procedures, analyzing every twinge, eating all the right things and feeling guilty if I "cheat", writing checks for procedures and meds we really can't afford, worrying worrying worrying and worrying some more. It's over for awhile. We can rest. Refocus and recharge.

But more than anything? Sadness. Disbelief. I can't believe that, barring some miracle, 2012 will be another lost year for us in regards to building our family. I started this year out strong, really feeling deep down that this year was going to be different. And in many ways, it will be different. Our upcoming move to Indiana will be a fresh new start for us: new state, new town, new home, new school, new job, new fertility clinic. We'll discover new places to explore, make some new friends, and make new memories. It will be a good year, but there will still be a big piece missing.

If we can figure out a way to swing it financially, we'd like to try our first round of IVF in December of this year {IVF...seriously, how did it come to this??}. If we can't swing it by then, we'll push that first round to the summer of 2013. Over a year from now. That thought makes me almost physically ill. But you know what? If I'm being honest, and I really want to be honest, I have some real work to do on me. I have developed some serious self esteem issues. I want to be able to find the beauty and goodness in every day. I want to be happy, really happy again, baby or no baby. I am more than my uterus. I don't want wake up one day and find that decades have passed me by, that I wasted my best years being sad, angry, and bitter.

So, like it or not, we're taking a break from treatment. Who knows, maybe we'll be blessed with a miracle between now and our first round of IVF. Stranger things have happened. But I can't bank on that. The reality is that our journey is taking us in a direction we never thought we'd have to go, and we can't shy away from walking that road. If it leads us to our baby, it's a path we have to take.

I'm scared. Terrified. But strangely enough, I'm also hopeful. And so very grateful for your support. I want to thank you for following along this far, and I hope you'll bear with me as we enter in to this next stage. I obviously won't be updating this blog nearly as much, but come late Fall/early Winter, I hope, really hope, you'll continue to follow our story.