Come What May

May. Each year since 2008, May has presented me with a challenge. That challenge is Mother's Day. But this year, May comes with two challenging days: Mother's Day {which would have been my first as an expectant mother} and my due date, May 27. Or what would have been {should have been} my due date. This year will be especially difficult for me, for obvious reasons. Normally, I spend it with my mom but this year we won't be making the trip home. But I want to do something. Because even though our child will not be born into our arms this month as it would have/should have been, and even though our child is not here with us on Earth, I am still a Mother. Maybe not in the conventional way that is readily accepted by society, but I am. Or, I would have been. My child lives in my heart, and I want to do something to honor that on May 13th but I can't decide how. It feels odd somehow, wrong even. Like I'm a phony, posing as something I'm not. Is that weird? It feels weird, and that makes me sad.

I don't know. The concept of being a mother even though I don't have a living child is something I've struggled with since the miscarriage. It feels wrong to say it. When someone asks me if we have any children, I don't say yes. But at the same time, we lost a baby. It didn't have a heartbeat yet, but had it continued to grow and develop...it would have been our first child. But is "would have been" the same as, "is"? No, but in my heart...yes.

And May 27th is a day that I just want to get through. It will be a hard day. I know most women don't give birth on their given due dates but it's a marker that you carry with you all through your pregnancy, the intended goal. And if I can just get through it without breaking down completely, I will count it as a success.

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That all being said, I am making real concerted efforts to find ME again; focus on the positives, turn my face away from the shade and into the warm light of the sun. Whatever the outcome of this last IUI {which we will find out next week}, pregnancy or no, come what may, we fully intend to embrace it. Whatever will be, will be. Will I be disappointed and emotional if this month doesn't work out? Absolutely. But I can't let it ruin me. It will be another road block, but there is still hope. Always hope. Without it, why bother? And we are both so very tired that a break might be just what we need: time to reconnect, explore our new surroundings once we've made our big move this summer, re-focus, re-energize, get our heads (and finances) wrapped around the next step towards making our dream of parenthood a reality.

But first: May. One step {one month} at a time.