'Tis the season...for pregnancy annoucements

And before we all get excited, I'm not talking about us. :)

At the end of each year, I find myself in the same place of reflection...

In the last month, six of my friends have announced they are expecting, or have adopted a child. And, because it's true, I feel compelled to say this here, in the event any of them are reading this post: I am truly happy for them, but truly sad for us. Even though I have a much firmer grasp on my emotions and have really tried to not compare my life to others' lives, the longing for a child is still very much there. For the sake of my fragile heart, I will not count how many babies have been born to our friends/families since we started trying for Baby Nam in February of 2008, but let's just say it's relatively astounding. I am proud (and relieved) to report that I have at long last reached the place where I am honestly and truthfully happy for my friends/family's pregnancy announcements because babies and growing families are joyous blessings and cause for celebration indeed. I would never want people I care about to suffer the same way we have, I would never want them to know our hurt or sorrow. And I so appreciate the support and love we've been shown over the years by those in our lives who know what we've been through, and those who go out of their way to take our feelings in to account (when they are most certainly not obligated to) when making pregnancy announcements, especially in this social network heavy age.

That being said, the holidays are especially hard for those of us who do not yet have children, pregnancy announcements aside. I love looking at the beautiful family photos posted and shared by my friends and family during this season (which is real progress, because there were years when I would have to take a break from Facebook for a few days because it would get to be too much to bear) but there is still a pang in my heart, a part of me that wishes so very much that we could also share such photos with our loved ones. Had we not lost our baby in 2011 -- amongst countless other ways our lives would be infinitely different -- our holiday cards would be graced with the smiling face of our 1.5 year old, and we would join the multitude of families we know who make and enjoy beautiful holiday memories with their child/ren during this special time of year. But, mercifully, I am in a much better emotional place now, and can accept with an open heart that just because we don't yet have a child doesn't mean that our family will never grow by two (or more!) sweet baby feet. Quite simply, it is just not our time yet, but someday it will be. Some day, some way, a child will come in to our lives.

Sometimes, the prospect fills me with such anticipation, longing and immense joy and excitement that I want to jump right back in now, today, and try again. But...we're just not ready. Why? Because it won't be easy, and it won't be cheap. The fact that we most likely will never conceive the "natural way" still angers and upsets me...and I can't enter in to it again with that attitude. I have to be open and ready to do whatever it is that we need and are willing to do. Honestly, initially, since I have been on birth control for quite some time again and we've taken a break from it all, we will probably try the good 'ol fashioned way again and see if this time, by some miracle, we can achieve a pregnancy. If not, well, then it's back to the RE we go and quite frankly, the idea fills me with absolute dread.

The two biggest hurdles at this point are 1) emotions - will we be able to handle the emotional roller coaster again? What will happen if/when the months roll by without success -- again -- and we're left facing the reality of the RE's office? The constant roller coaster of hope followed by disappointment, confusion and anger are extremely exhausting and they are spirit killers. I don't want to risk losing myself or risk damage to our relationship when we head back down this path... But, there are no guarantees and we just have to make sure we are ready as best we can. Ready for whatever comes down the pike. And I'm just not sure if we're there yet. Sometimes I think I am ready, but then I start to think about how sad I felt with each unsuccessful month, how broken I felt, how angry and desperate...so then I think, no, not yet. I can't do it yet. So who knows? 2) money - as aforementioned, it will not be easy and thus, it will require quite a bit of money to either get pregnant by undergoing fertility treatments, or costly to fund an adoption. Both are options and both would be welcome paths to parenthood but we do not currently have money for either, which is another big reason that if we started trying again anytime soon, it would be the old fashioned way, no intervention. But, we'd also have to try our hardest to enter in to this whole thing without expectations, which again, brings us back to the emotional hurdle. It's a vicious cycle.

And, there are other concerns, namely my health. I still am not entirely sure my body could handle carrying a pregnancy to term. My heart is very sensitive to any changes my body undergoes, any stress it is put under, my own hormones (not to mention any I would be plugged with during fertility treatments such as IVF...) and any medications I am on. I would be a high risk pregnancy on three different fronts: my RH- factor, my heart health, and my unexplained fertility issues...and since I'm rapidly approaching 30, I might be high risk on a 4th front if we don't get pregnant and carry to term before I'm 35. So as you can see, it's quite complicated.

But one day, the dream will be realized. One day, our joy will be beyond measure and we will welcome a child into our lives and in to our hearts. I can't wait for that day, I truly cannot. In the mean time, friends, know that we are truly so happy for you as your own families grow. From our hearts to yours, we share in your joy. And one day, we hope you will share in ours :)