Keep Calm and Think Happy Thoughts

I shouldn't have watched it. I shouldn't have hit play. I knew my heart was feeling fragile. You see, my sister-in-law is pregnant again, and we just found out the genders of three other friend's babies this week, so I knew better. I guess I just wanted to feel like a part of it, if only for a moment, you know? Curiosity killed the cat, I suppose.

A friend posted a video from a mutual friend's gender reveal party. The parents-to-be are seated in front of a giant cardboard box -- anticipation palpable -- the moment they find out what they're having about to unfold. Will it be a boy or a girl? I thought I could handle it, I truly did. I was curious, I wanted to know, too. For a moment, I was there, sucked in by the suspense:

At the count of three, they lift the cardboard box's lid, pull back its flaps, and everyone nearly jumps out of their seats as the tops of balloons begin to emerge. The couple is so thrilled, so happy, wiping away joyful tears, everyone clapping and screeching with delight, hugging and jumping...

Fade back to reality. Me on the couch, laptop in my lap.

And I cried. Not for them, but for me, for us. The thought raced across my brain, "What if we never get to experience this magical moment?" What if we're always on the outside looking in? What if. And the tears just came. With it, pain, fear, and a longing so deep it ached. It just about broke my heart all over again.

Hard as it is, even though it hurts, I must think happy thoughts. The best is yet to come. One day, it'll be our turn. Our family of two will become more. I believe it. I do. I have to.
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In case you were wondering, they're having a girl.