Why do I do it? Why do I even go there? I actually let myself believe that there may be hope this month. And for what? Cycle day one, that's what. Why, hello there familiar feeling of failure. Obviously, I've spent the last two weeks in denial so I must be working my way through the stages of grief. Anger should come next and....YEP we're there. After anger comes bargaining {I'm really familiar with that one: Please God, please let this be the month. I'll do anything, be anyone, act however you want me to act, etc etc etc}. In a few days, the depression will set in. Not a fun place to be. And then, finally. acceptance. I'll accept that I'm just not meant to be a pregnant woman. And don't say it, don't say, "Never's a long time, it'll happen, I can feel it," because I have NEVER been pregnant. Not once.
It has been 41 months since we started down this road. 41 months of wanting something desperately and being denied time and time again. {And yes, we had 14 months "off" due to my open heart surgery so I won't count those months in my actively trying tally, but I never stopped wanting a child. If anything, it made me want one more.} So I guess that means we have had 27 failed cycles. Twenty effing seven.
Hope? Please. More like hopeless.
The only silver lining? My period arrived on time this month. Awesome. Good for me.
And yes, I know, in my "Something Good" post I said that I wouldn't really care if this month wasn't THE month because I was just shocked and elated to have ovulated. But come on, I'm hurting. I care. A lot.
In two days, I'll start my meds. And we'll start the process all over again. Wash, rinse, repeat.
Oh my friend, of course you care. I am so sorry you are feeling so bad. Believe me when I say that I understand. You are an amazing woman and I am lucky to call you a friend - remember how many people love you, and that you have the support of all of us. Hugs, hugs, hugs.
ReplyDeleteAnd to steal a thought from your header: "Hope is the companion of power, and mother of success; for who so hopes strongly has within him the gift of miracles." -Samuel Smiles
Yay! I can see it again and can comment!
ReplyDeleteSometimes everything sucks. I'm so sorry Big. Remember when you feel like giving up hope, we are all here hoping for you, so you can take a break for a little while. Love you!
ReplyDeleteI think hope is what makes us human. And sometimes, I believe it has power that we wouldn't believe it has. Fingers xx'd for you.
ReplyDeleteYes, hope is indeed a necessity otherwise we might as well just give up...and we're not there yet. I have a lot of fight left in me, but sometimes it's just so hard to summon the strength to keep on keepin' on. Thank you all for your support!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry. Sending strength and hoping that the next cycle is the one.
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