Let's do the time warp again

As you can probably guess, since I haven’t written a joyful post the second we had good news, we were not successful in conceiving this month. However, the silver lining is the fact that this cycle was clomid free and I did it all on my own. Start to finish, a complete cycle without fertility help. And so, here we are, back at the beginning again. I won’t lie to you. It’s been difficult. I shut myself up in a quiet room, sat on the floor against the door and balled my eyes out while Jason was out on a walk with the dog. I needed that time to myself and although I think it did me good, it was a painful cry. To say that I’m sad would be an understatement. It has moved beyond sad. Sad is not an appropriate descriptor to use anymore. I feel more like a kind of emptiness is setting in. Each time we go through this, a small piece of me is scooped out. I hope it all grows back when our prayers are answered and we become parents, but I’m beginning to believe that this whole experience, like anything else life changing, becomes a part of who you are and therefore, I’ll probably always have a scar. I just hope I feel more like a survivor rather than a victim, as I do now.

I asked Jason if he thought we were being punished for something. Is it because we don’t attend church anymore? Was it because we went “against God” and used birth control? Did I do something bad in another life, and this is how I’m being made to pay my dues? His answer was “no, it doesn’t work that way,” and I know he’s probably right but it’s hard to keep those thoughts out of my head sometimes. We’re good people. We’re happily married with good jobs and health insurance. People like us, and we pay our taxes. Why is this happening to us? No one would make you go through this if it wasn’t meant to be a punishment. It’s certainly not enjoyable, so what’s the alternative? The Christian in me knows that I’m supposed to be learning something from this whole experience. And Lord knows I’ve heard the old adage, “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle.” And you can’t leave out, “That which doesn’t kill you, only makes you stronger.” But like Kanye West so eloquently said in his hit song, Stronger, “I need you to hurry up now, ‘cause I can’t wait much longer.”