Taking it back

As someone who has never been a runner, typing this is kind of trippy...but here goes nothin': I want to run a 5k.

Let me explain.

Infertility has stolen a lot from me: self-esteem, self-worth, hope, faith, happiness, and above all, my dream of becoming a mom. I don't mean to imply that I'm totally down on myself all of the time, unhappy all of the time, completely lost and hopeless, or that I don't believe that one day I will be a mom, but infertility has taken who I used to be and stomped all over that girl.

I was walking in the park tonight and there is a little playground towards the back that my route takes me past. I usually choose to avoid it {watching little ones at play can be painful} but I felt ok with it today so I went past. There was an adorable little girl, probably about 1.5yrs playing while her mom looked on, seated on a swing. As I passed by her, I could see that her gaze was fixed on her child, her lips curved slightly upward in a reverent smile. She looked blissful, gazing at her baby. I took a mental picture, and fought back tears as I forced myself to keep walking past; the outsider looking in, capturing a quiet, private moment belonging to someone else and claiming it for my own. It was at that moment that I thought, "I need something in my life to work towards that I can control, that I can feel good about and that can remind me of my strengths and NOT my weaknesses." And it dawned on me: a 5k.

Even more so than infertility, I have another reason for setting my sites on running {or jogging} a race: my heart. When I first had open heart surgery, I was amazed by how drained I felt, how even walking down the hall was an enormous effort. I never thought I'd feel strong again and that was crippling. Eventually, I worked back up to being able to walk over a mile a day, then farther, but then I faced another set back and at 26, just four months post surgery, I learned I needed a pacemaker. I felt old. I felt weak. I feared I would never feel normal again, let alone carry a child successfully {something I still fear today, by the way}.

But here I am today. I feel good. I feel strong. I have a long scar down the center of my chest and I have a pacemaker incision scar but I am healthy again. I am learning to view these physical scars as battle wounds, but my emotional scars still need work and healing. I need to feel empowered. I have people tell me that I am an inspiration to them, how amazing it is that I can look and feel so good after what I've gone through health-wise at my age and I appreciate that; I'm honored and humbled by their words, but I need to feel inspired by me. I need to look in the mirror and not see an infertile woman with gnarly scars. I need to see who I really am: a feisty young woman who is a fighter through and through.

I need to see me again.

So, if this month's cycle fails, and if next month's cycle fails, it will be on to IUI for us. But I will take a break before we go that route and I will train for and run a 5k. For me.