Christmas Tree of Memories

I feel like a broken record. Loss loss loss. Sad angry fearful lost sad. But it's where I am right now. I don't know what else to say. And I started this blog for me. So I'll talk about my sadness and loss some more.

Most unfortunately, the overwhelming sense of loss is dominating my holiday season this year. I find myself crying with too much ease, the familiar ache of longing for a child so intense it's sometimes hard to breathe. I feel like a hostage to our situation, like someone is sitting on my chest and pinning my arms to my sides. Admittedly, I'm increasingly envious of those around me who have what we so desire. I know I'm not alone. The holidays are especially tough for infertiles, but it's our 4th Christmas since starting on this journey, and just mere months ago, I thought this Christmas was going to be different. Turns out it would be more painful than ever.

On top of our miscarriage, we lost my beloved Grandpa Harry (my mom's dad) this year, a loss still so very fresh nearly 8 months later. I can't believe that he's really, truly gone. Forever. What will the rest of my life be like without him? Without any of the grandparents I've lost? And our sweet family dog, Nikki, my mom's constant companion, passed away in August, less than 4 months after my grandpa. My grandma in many ways is lost to us as well - her grief and battle with dementia have left a shell where my grandma used to be. I miss her, too, and worry incessantly about how my mom can juggle all of this stress and loss that she must deal with on a daily basis, on top of her full-time work schedule.

And I've lost my spark. I don't know where it's gone, but holiday cheer is hard to come by this year. I try, but it's only with half a heart. It just doesn't FEEL like Christmas, not really, because the holiday spirit comes from within and if you're partially frozen inside...the season just doesn't feel right. 

This year, Jason and I decided to decorate our Christmas tree only with ornaments that meant something to us, ornaments that we have collected on our travels, or ones from my childhood, or ones that just have a special meaning. Every single ornament has a story, and I love that. I feel like I could give a tour of our tree, take a guest on a walk down memory lane. As I mentioned in my last post, we bought a gold angel to symbolize our losses this year, and hung her up high to watch over us this holiday season, and hold our loved ones in heaven close to her heart. We needed a tree that stood for something this year, that we could look at and find ourselves in: see where we've been, where we are, and maybe even a little of where we're headed.

And you know what? For the most part, our lovely tree of memories makes me smile; warms my heart, if even for just a little while. And for that, I am so very glad. Maybe in time, the gladness will spread, and I'll find my holiday cheer in time for Christmas.