What's Written on your Heart

I awoke this morning feeling kind of down. If I'm being truthful, I've felt like that for the past few days. We trimmed our tree on Tuesday night. On Sunday night, the same night we purchased our tree, we bought an angel ornament to hang this year to represent all of the loss our family has suffered in the last 7.5 months: my grandpa's passing, our family dog's passing, our miscarriage, and in many ways, we've also lost my grandmother to dementia and depression. As I was hanging the ornament, I started to cry. It was so emotional, hanging that angel up on a high branch so it could watch over us all month long. I just looked at Jason before he enveloped me in his arms and whimpered, "There's just been so much loss."

So today, I awoke feeling sluggish and slightly overwhelmed without good cause, and as I started my shower, I had a sudden fleeting thought, and it was this: "God knows what's written on your heart, and has a plan for you." I'm a religious person. Not overtly so, but I would identify myself as a woman of faith. My faith has wavered over the last few years, I'll admit it. Life has been hard. But in the end, I know that my future is not entirely up to me. Yes, I have choices, and yes, I am free to make them and I do exercise that right, but there are some things that are not up to me, and I have to have faith that God knows what I so desire and has a plan. I have to trust that He sees what is written on my heart, and has a plan. And right now, I need to let go of some of the anger I feel, some of the helplessness and grief and anxiety, and give it to God, because I can't handle it all on my own.

I don't know what put that thought in to my head this morning, but I am so thankful for it. After it went in and through my head, I felt a surge of relief. I think I actually sighed. I know I'm not in this alone, not by a long shot.