In case anyone was wondering, no period yet. And today is CD 41. I also haven't spotted since Tuesday. I'm nauseous at different intervals during the day (like super nauseous, usually around lunchtime), and often in the middle of the night. I cannot tell you how frustrating this is. Two months prior to this, textbook perfect cycles. Now, nothing. Nada. Zilch.
I am trying, with everything in me, to stay true to my "I can't control any of this and I need to just let it go" attitude, but let me tell you, it is HARD. Because I care. A lot. And because we've officially lost January for an IUI attempt. And we may lose February if Jason is out of state for an audition during when I need him to be here. But again, we have no control over any of that...and it makes me want to pound something.
In case you're thinking, "Maybe you're pregnant," I took a test on Monday (CD 36) and it was negative. We were careful during our doctor mandated 3 month TTC hiatus, but I wanted to be sure, so I tested. I will take another prior to taking any medication but honestly, it's the damn PCOS that is screwing me up, as it tends to do. I eat well, I'm taking my metformin again (which may be the culprit for messing up this cycle since it's the only thing different in the equation this time), and my weight has held steady for years. In fact, the doctor says I could stand to gain a few pounds (I know, saddest song on the world's tiniest violin) but I can't seem to do it. I exercise as I've been told to. I take my prenatals every day. People who don't give a shit get pregnant every day at the freaking drop of a hat and yet, I can't. And when I finally did, I lost it. I just don't get it. Probably never, ever will. And again, I know I need to let it go because I can't control it, but it is HARD because reminders of my infertility are everywhere I look. But I am trying. Seriously trying. For instance, I could have cried about this but I haven't. That level of frustration won't get me anywhere or change anything. Sadly, it is what it is.
I am going to get my progesterone on Monday, but I can't take it until after January 25th because of timing for next month. There is a potential audition on February 4 so I need to time our February IUI between that weekend and the last weekend of the month due to another potential audition. It's all I can do. The rest is out of my hands.
It's so hard to let go of wanting to be in control. I'm sorry your out for this month and that your cycle has gotten so whacky this time, after two great cycles. And I hear you on the steady weight, could stand to gain thing. Right there with you. (((Hugs)))
ReplyDeleteThanks, Hope, I appreciate your support! Pulling for you as well :)
DeleteCD55 here... :P I hate the reminders of how little control we have over this process. Fingers crossed for you!
ReplyDeleteThank you, and my fingers are crossed for you as well!! I have high hopes for your next cycle :)
DeleteI know this pain and frustration all too well. People who shouldn't have babies get them, and those of us who really want them, can't have them. The one thing I hate people telling me is that life is a test, and my test is infertility, and the test of people who shouldn't have them, is that they have them. Screw that! So their test is having a kid they don't want and messing that kid up? Tell me how that is fair or right to anyone. And why do people expect telling me something like that would make me feel better?
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry this cycle is such a FUBAR for you. It is definitely frustrating. The word frustrating doesn't do the situation justice, I know.
Hang in there girl. You aren't alone. And you're a tough cookie, even if you don't feel like it some days.
Thank you! I know I'm tough (or at least, when it counts I know I'm tough) - I just wish my "test" didn't include open heart surgery and living with a pacemaker at my age, in addition to infertility. Seems like too much sometimes, but what else is there to do besides press on? What I do know is that everyone has their trials in this life. I am blessed with an amazing husband, family, and friends. I know I will be a mom one day, I just don't know if I'll have a biological child. I fervently hope so, but only God truly knows. One of my new year's resolutions is to try and be actively open to change, and roll with whatever comes our way. I guess this is as good a time as any to start trying to keep that resolution ;) You hang in there, too, Elle. These are tough times. Hugs!
DeleteUGH! I wish your cycle would cooperate. :-( I always have a hard time with not being able to control anything. I wish I could let go, but it's really difficult. Good luck!
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