Maybe because my birthday is next month...

I've been thinking quite a lot about my goals. Life goals. Not a bucket list really, but things I really do want to do before I kick it. The bucket, I mean. I know I'm still young, I'll be 28 next month, but time marches on so rapidly, more so each and every year it seems, and before I know it, I'll be turning 38, then 48, and I have things I want to do. Things I really, really aspire to do and have wanted to do for as long as I can remember.

I have an amazing husband, wonderful family and friends, and I am blessed. I am. But... I'm not where I thought I would be at 28. I thought we'd have a child, maybe even be working on our second. I don't have a real job. I'm temping while Jason is in grad school, and we'll probably be moving out of state this summer. We got married young, and nearly 6 years later, I'm still relatively where I started on my college graduation day: jobless, childless, houseless, with the addition of an 8-inch scar down the center of my chest, a pacemaker, infertility, and a dog to go with our cat. It gets me down sometimes.

I'm watching You've Got Mail as I type this post. It's one of my very favorite movies. I adore The Shop Around the Corner. It's what got me motivated to write about this topic because I've learned that if you write it down, it's a commitment of sorts, something you're held to because it's there, in black and white, staring at you as a reminder of what you said you'd do. Or be. And I like that. I want to be held accountable for my dreams...because I fervently hope they'll one day become reality. So here's the short list. These are the big 3.

1) Become a mother. Obviously. This one has been at the tippy top of my prayer list for going on 4 years now. Every single moment of every single day, my heart, my soul, longs to be someone's mommy. I know, deep down, that one day that dream will come true. I don't know when or how. This year? Next? Three years from now? {Oh please, don't let it be that long...} Will we have a biological child? Will I get to carry our baby inside of me, feel it kick and roll, and give birth to our little miracle? Or will we adopt? Foster, then adopt? Use a surrogate? I don't know. I wish so badly that I knew, but as my cousin reminded me the other night, "God has a plan for you." Indeed. I just wish I could be in on some of the details.

2) Own a children's book store. It's been a dream of mine since high school. Maybe before, I don't remember. But there is something so alluring about it, something that draws me in and holds me close. I am so deliriously happy in bookstores in general, but the magic of a children's book store is unique. It is something that cannot be described. You have to experience it, feel it. The children's book store in You've Got Mail is perfect. Each time I watch the movie, I just want to step inside my tv screen, grab a book from the well-stocked shelves, and settle in for a good read. The way books smell, the way they feel in your hands, the sound of the pages turning, the worlds you become a part of... that's real magic. If only I had the funds...and if only the economy were better. But one day, one day it will happen. It must. I have to find a way to make it happen.

3) Write children's books and be a published author. I have a creative writing degree. I LOVE to write (or used to, I'm not very diligent about it anymore. I need to be better). I love words. I love stories. I prefer to write with a pencil. I love reading children's books (which is great because it goes well with #2 on this list). I love the children's book section at the library. I love reading storybooks to children, and watching their faces light up as mine once did. There is nothing like a good story. When I was recovering from open heart surgery, I was laid up in bed for weeks and I had a children's book marathon. I was able to forget the pain for a little while, forget my fear, and escape to far away imaginary places, and it was wonderful. I want to write stories for children. I want to see my stories on book shelves (maybe in my own store??) and see my name in print.

So there you have it, my short list. I know they're lofty. But they're mine. And if I am fortunate enough to accomplish all three of the above, it will feel like I've won the lottery. But the one that matters most is of course sitting right on top at #1, where it will always be. And once I am a mother, it will remain the #1 thing I will ever do. There is nothing more important than raising a child. It is a supreme gift, one I intend to cherish my whole life through.