I can do it

So, this is new: I'm actually trying to will my period into arriving. I'm so used to praying, begging, willing it NOT to come (you know, in hopes of being pregnant) that this hopeful feeling of "maybe today is the day that it will appear" is really quite odd.

Today is CD28. It arrived on CD28 last month, and CD29 the month before, so I'm just hoping that it comes today or tomorrow, as I had really started to believe that my periods had somehow regulated. I've heard of it happening post miscarriage: super wonky cycles prior to pregnancy, and then after pregnancy or post-miscarriage, they're not wonky anymore. Fingers crossed that my period will arrive no later than Tuesday, CD30 because...

...this is the month we can try again!!

I'm ready. We're ready. We went to a wedding yesterday and on the 2-hour drive home, we talked baby names. For 2 hours. Our hearts are full of hope. We're cautiously optimistic and scared and anxious and trying to find some semblance of excitement to push us into this next part of our journey/battle and I think, bit by bit, we're finding it.

Have we found/made peace with our loss? I don't think we're there quite yet, but I think we will, in time. We are still sad. I think we always will be, as it would have been a child, our child, and that baby is not here with us. But we have each other, and we've been through an awful lot in our short 5 year marriage, so I know we'll be alright.

I'm still having trouble with all of the FB baby announcements. I'm still envious of my family and friends who are pregnant or have children. I'm not proud of that envy, but I'm pretty sure it's a feeling every woman battling infertility struggles with, and the longer you walk this path, the stronger the feeling. Next month will mark 4 years for us. We started trying in February of 2008. Yes, we had to stop trying for a year (2010) following my open heart surgery, but we never stopped wanting a baby, and the sadness we felt during that year as we watched the months tick by, feeling like we were losing time, is hard to delete and discount from the memory bank. It's a lost year. Had my health allowed, we would have kept trying. So with that in mind, I suppose I'd say next month will mark 3 years of active trying + one year of active yearning.

2012 will be our year. It will be. It must be. Sometimes, it feels impossible, but you know, I'm good with that, because when it happens, it'll be a miracle and aren't miracles at one time deemed impossible things? "It wasn't supposed to happen, but it did! It's a miracle!"

Plus, when I was 2, my favorite phrase was, "I can do it!" Everything was something I could do, even if it wasn't, but I was convinced it was. My 2 year old self knew I could do it, so maybe I can. Wouldn't it be lovely if life were really that easy?? But hey, why not? Why can't it be? Maybe my toddler self was on to something...

Hi, my name is Melissa and I can do it. Yep, feels pretty good.