Cashing in our final attempt at IUI

This is a long one, but I have a lot to say so bear with me and here we go:

Today is CD 6. I starting taking my Femara 7.5mg on Wednesday night, and this time, we're adding 2mg of estrogen 2x a day beginning CD 9 until the day of my HCG shot to combat the thin lining issue we had last month. I have an ultrasound Friday, April 20 to check follicle growth and find out when our IUI will be. And yes, it will be our last attempt.

After consulting our schedules and calendar, this month was the only time we could do it between now and moving to Indiana in August. We're going to Hawaii at the beginning of next month to visit family (remember that trip we had to cancel in October because of our miscarriage? Well, we re-booked it and we're finally going to meet our niece!) and Jason graduates at the end of May. Then, we're packing up our life and moving home at the end of June, staying with my mom for the month of July (making a trip out to Indiana at the beginning of the month to find a place to live) before hitting the road late July/early August towards our new home in the mid-west. WHEW! Still with me? So, April was it. It, it. 

I had a lengthy conversation with our doctor on Tuesday night. I asked all of my questions and got thorough, honest answers. Among other questions, the following were some of the answers I got: Yes, I can fly during the last few days of the 2WW. No, he can't say why this last cycle didn't work because there is no way of knowing, but the thinner lining could have played a role. Yes, this is often why IVF is recommended to women with PCOS because even with 3 eggs and near perfect circumstances, there's no way to know if any of those eggs were viable. And finally, the question I was dreading asking but knew I had to: the dreaded IVF question. I broached the subject by saying that my last doctor at the other clinic (who is extremely well known in the IF world, particularly in the field of IVF) had told us that it was his professional opinion that I would need IVF to conceive a healthy baby. This was nearly 2 years ago and I didn't want to hear it. On top of that, we couldn't afford it, and still can't. At the time, I thought, "I'm 26, there's no way that can be the truth. He's just trying to take the "easy" route and get us to pay more money." So I asked my current Dr. what his professional opinion was, considering all we've done and been through, and after all the time that has passed. He was quiet for a moment, and very carefully chose his words. He said he agreed with the last doctor's prognosis, and that if this next IUI didn't work {it would be our 6th}, it would be in our best interest to proceed to IVF. Like my last RE, he also added that there is no good reason why I'm not conceiving, that it's a bit of a mystery. Everything is lining up. Everything is happening as it should. With help, yes, but it's happening and yet, we've not been successful but for that one time. He added that because they're treating all of my PCOS symptoms, and it's still not working, I'm moving quite close to the "unexplained infertility" category, which is not a good category. Tougher to diagnose, tougher to treat, tougher to achieve success because they don't know why you're not conceiving and staying pregnant. It was hard to hear, but it didn't surprise me. Deep down, I knew what his answer would be. Nearly 3.5 years of treatment and nothing to show for it. I knew it was coming. I didn't cry, didn't get upset, just thanked him for his honesty. And I meant it. 

So here we are. And you know, I don't feel like I thought I would. I thought I would be consumed by anxiety, consumed by a desperation for success. But I'm not. I feel like it is what it is, and that's all that it is. We have one more chance. There's hope, but it's not that strong. Not anymore. And oddly enough, it's liberating somehow. Of course I'm hoping with all that I have that it works, that our prayers are answered, and our dreams realized but there's a sense of calm about it this time. This is it. And if it doesn't work, we'll take a break. I'm so tired. Tired enough to welcome that break should it come, and we have so much going on right now, much of which is overwhelming and exciting in it's own right, and I don't have time to devote all my energy towards this outcome. I just don't. Not with all the planning and packing and trying to get things in order to move so far away. Much of my thoughts are on that now. And maybe it's a good thing. Life goes on. Life goes forward. We'll start a new chapter in Indiana, and we'll resume our journey there should we need to, after we save up some money to do what needs to be done. I'm not giving up, just giving in to what is. If it's meant to be, then it will be. If it's not, I can't change it. I've tried for 3.5 years and it doesn't work that way. 

It's strange to find myself in this place and not feel the pressure of desperation pressing down on me. Maybe that will change in the coming weeks, but I hope it doesn't. I'm so exhausted from trying to control every aspect of this journey and I simply can't go on like that anymore. I have to live my life as best I can, in spite of disappointments and in spite of bitter trials. I am more than this, and I need to work on finding ME again, work on doing what makes me happy because this life is precious and I won't spend the rest of it being sad or angry all the time. Please keep us in your thoughts - your positive energy is felt, trust me.