Somehow, it has come down to this

Since beginning this journey in January 2008, I/he/we have endured:

-37 months of infertility treatments
-2 different kinds of ovulation inducing and egg growth stimulation medications
-1 hysteropingogram (dye test involving my tubes and uterus)
-1 open heart surgery
-1 pacemaker implant
-13 months of recovery and rehabilitation for said surgery and implant
-5 IUI's
-2 infertility clinics
-3 infertility doctors
-16 months of Metformin
-2 trips to the ER, one of which was IF related
-1 semen analysis
-5 sperm washes
-3 full blood panels
-a sad good-bye to well over $10,000
-countless blood tests
-countless intravaginal ultrasounds
-4 HCG shots
-8 wks of a pregnancy
-1 miscarriage

....and a freaking partridge in a pear tree. There is more. Lots more. I didn't count the times I cried myself to sleep. Or factor in how I don't feel like myself anymore, how many times I've looked in the mirror and not recognized the sad face staring back. The hours, days, weeks, months, and now years that we've spent yearning for a child. The times I've given up hanging out with friends because I don't feel well due to the side effects of the medications I take, or I'm too sad to even try to pretend that I'm not. The times I've had to tell family and friends that it didn't work, again, still. The boxes of ovulation kits, and pregnancy tests. The number of holidays we've spent childless. The prayers I've prayed; the wishes I've wished going through a tunnel, on stars, blowing out birthday candles; the goddamn pain we've both endured for far too long. This is our reality.

The list really could go on and on and on...but what's the point? It doesn't matter, not really, because our dream of parenthood has still not been realized. This post is not meant to make you feel sorry for me, for us. If you've been blessed with children, it's certainly not meant to make you feel guilty for what you have. I love children. I love my family and friend's children. But this is my space to process what we've gone through and what we continue to face. Some people on a journey like ours have lost more, suffered more, been on the road longer, but infertility isn't about who's had it worse. It's about community and finding comfort and solace in similar situations, and knowing that you're not alone when the going gets tough. So this is our infertility story, and I wish it were different. But it's not, and I can only hope that one day, it all makes sense.

***

And somehow, it's come down to this: one more try. My period arrived today. We leave for Indiana at the end of July and we leave our current city for our hometown in less than 3 months. At this point, we are on a tight time schedule. We haven't quite figured out when we'll cash in our last try at IUI. Maybe this month. Maybe next month. Maybe in June. Part of me wants to take a break for a month, but my cycles are so crazy one month could easily give way to two or, as the case has been at times, more. So, most likely, due to our timeline, it will be this month. I'll let you know when I know.

We're just so tired. Of all of this. We just want to be parents. I've asked it before, but looking at my list and how much time has gone by, how much we've had to put up with and how much of ourselves we've had to give up and how much has been lost, I can't help but ask it again: Is what we want, to be parents, to hold our baby in our arms, Is that really too much to ask?