Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance - Amanda's day

Today is October 15th, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. This day holds significance for me for several reasons.

As I type this post, I am experiencing a miscarriage, my first and God willing, my last. However, there are many in my family and circle of friends (including my blogosphere buddies) who have also suffered such a loss, some of them several times over. But the reason that this day is most significant to me, even eclipsing our own loss, is because of my sister, Amanda.

Amanda was born still 30 years ago this coming Tuesday, October 18. My mom carried her full term and it was discovered, after a day or two of not feeling any movement (which is sometimes considered normal at the end of a pregnancy), that she had died in the womb due to umbilical cord strangulation. This was in 1981 and technology has advanced quite a bit since then. In addition, this was before the days of watching a mom-to-be extra closely if she had suffered prior losses: my mom had had 2 miscarriages prior to Amanda's conception, one of them at 12 weeks. This was also before some doctors realized that a still born baby was still very much someone's child, someone who had been immensely prayed for and loved - she already had a name. My parents never even got to hold their baby girl - the doctor's whisked her away before they could even get a good look at her, before they had a chance to say good-bye. My poor mom gave birth to her daughter vaginally, knowing that she was already gone. My mom doesn't remember the physical pain of the labor and delivery, as her emotional despair was so beyond comprehension. It had taken my parents 5 long years of trying and heartache to get their baby, and she was born sleeping. They had all but given up hope entirely when I came along, 2 years later.

Amanda and I share a middle name, but we share far more than that. I believe she is my guardian angel, with me in times of need. I believe she was in the room by my side during my open heart surgery, when my husband and parents couldn't be, and I believe she is taking care of our little one in heaven, because we cannot. Technically, by definition, I am an only child. I grew up without any siblings running around in the house, but I had 3 siblings in heaven.

Amanda will never be forgotten - my family visits her graveside every year for her birthday and Christmas, sometimes extra times if we're in town. I know she watches over me, and I find great comfort in that. And, she gets to spend time with our grandparents now that they've passed on, too. We share everything, just at different times, and in different ways. You're forever in our hearts, my sweet sister, forever in our hearts.