AF arrived today. I'm super bummed but trying to focus on the positive. Because we took a 15-month health-mandated "hiatus" from infertility from September 2009 thru December 2010, it should feel like we're starting over again but in reality, it's a continuation, and it's impossible to totally erase the memories of the months of failed attempts that we experienced February 2008 thru August 2009: the anovulation, the diagnosis of PCOS, the meds, the 14 months of trying on our own, followed by the 6 months of trying with various medications (with and without IUI's, but we did do two), the nearly $6,000 of our own money, and the countless doctor visits. If we had taken a true break from the infertility stuff for 15 months, maybe this wouldn't seem so frustrating, but we didn't. We had 15 months of dealing with my health issues and being scared and in pain and recovering and quitting our jobs and moving, blah blah blah. So now starting on this path again...it's just flat out overwhelming. Because infertility is a culture, a way of life, and it likes to suck you dry.
No, we haven't had any miscarriages thank the good Lord, but with the exception of one chemical pregnancy which didn't even register as positive on a test, I've never been pregnant, not once, and it's a different kind of scary. I truly fear that I may never be pregnant. And if we are blessed with a pregnancy, I know I have an elevated risk of miscarriage due to my PCOS, not to mention any family history, which I also have to consider, in addition to the fact that miscarriages are far more common than women realize.
So even though I realize this is the first attempt of the new start with the healthy heart, the new doctor, and the new nutrition plan, it's still disappointing that it didn't work this month. Because we've been here before. It's not the end of cycle #1, it's the end of cycle #23 or 24, I've lost count...all of which have had the same result: not pregnant. Again, I know that people have walked a longer path to parenthood: my own parents struggled with infertility for 7 years (multiple miscarriages and a full term still born) before I came along and it never ceases to amaze me how they always listen to what we're feeling and going through without making comparisons or passing judgement on our decisions. They are always completely supportive and I thank them from the bottom of my heart. We have other family and friends who do the same, but having parents who can empathize in this situation to this degree and beyond is a blessing. I've read so many blogs written by women "suffering in silence" because they're parents or siblings or friends don't know what they're going through or don't understand, and it just adds salt to the wound. We certainly empathize with others who have struggled to conceive, and feel terrible for those who have suffered losses or struggled longer than we have, but it's not a contest. Infertility sucks, plain and simple, no matter what the story is behind each couple's individual struggle. If you've walked this path, I'm so sorry and I hope your story has a happy ending, as I hope ours one day will.
With all of that being said (phew, I'm feeling wordy tonight), I know it is best to focus on the now and try not to let the past interfere because we can't change the past but we can choose to focus on the present. {Good advice I received from my cousin that I am trying to follow, I promise}. So what is the positive?
1) I ovulated. HUGE. Thank you, Femara.
2) My cycle length was 33. Not 45, not 75, not 90, 33. Also huge. Thank you, Femara.
3) I am feeling good on my baby diet and have to believe that it is contributing to the above two achievements this month.
4) We have four more cycles to try on our own at home before the doc recommends we move on to a few IUI cycles with meds, and if that needs to happen, we have 3-4 IUI attempts to go through before he would recommend additional testing and, lastly, IVF.
For now, I just have to try and stay positive, let the past stay in the past and focus on where we are right now. Cycle day one, 2nd attempt this year. Please continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Friday, February 4, 2011
Doing a little happy dance!
I OVULATED!!! Woohoo!! I am so excited --- this is a great first step in the right direction. :) I called the nurse this morning to see if they had gotten my lab results back from my Wednesday cycle day 21 blood draw and she told me my progesterone level came back at 10.7 which means I ovulated this cycle! I know it may sound silly to be so excited about ovulation (I mean, it's a natural part of the cycle after all...) but it's not normal for me so the fact that it's happening is huge. You can't get pregnant without producing and releasing a viable egg so just the fact that it happened this month is huge for me.
The doc told us when we met with him on January 14 that the femara would hopefully help me ovulate (check!) which would bring me up to a "normal" chance of achieving pregnancy. In other words, just because I was on a fertility med to help me ovulate doesn't mean I have an increased likelihood of getting pregnant. I am now in the running though, which is awesome! The average couple has a 20% chance of pregnancy each month, so the average couple will most likely achieve pregnancy in 5 months time (approximately).
Of course, I still have those pesky cysts hanging around my ovaries secreting estrogen and potentially messing with my cycle lengths but we're hoping that my nutrition plan in conjunction with the femara will help combat the level in which my cysts negatively affect our odds of conceiving.
Let's put it this way --- we are cautiously optimistic that these next 5 months will be successful for us. We have gotten this far before and further (I ovulated on clomid and with metformin during the 8 months we were actively trying with our first fertility doctor in 2009) so we know better than to be "sold" on the outcome of this progesterone test. But, I'd be lying if I didn't admit we are encouraged. Our hope is to avoid having to do any ART (Assisted Reproductive Technology) such as IUI's (intrauterine inseminations) or, as a last resort down the road, IVF (in-vitro insemination procedures).
For those of you who don't know, we did two IUI's in 2009 and were getting ready for our 3rd attempt when I found out I needed open heart surgery. The doctors were stumped as to why I hadn't conceived during the first two IUI attempts, given all of the facts: I was ovulating, my uterine lining was perfect, my eggs were viable, I didn't have any tubal blockages, my hormone levels were controlled, and Jason's sperm was fantastic. Technically speaking, we "should" have conceived...but we didn't. We had a chemical pregnancy which resulted in an early loss in June of 2009 (almost too early to count...the average woman would just have assumed it was a wonky period but since I was being so closely monitored, I knew better). However, Jason and I now truly believe that we were just not meant to be parents at that time and as it turned out, it was an immense blessing in disguise that we didn't get what we so desperately wanted. My heart was in no condition to handle the blood flow increase that comes with pregnancy and the likelihood of something bad happening to me, the fetus or both were high. We just didn't know it.
So now that I am healthy and on the right track, we are hopeful that everything will fall in to place --- and our dream of becoming parents will no longer be just a dream.
Fingers crossed! :)
The doc told us when we met with him on January 14 that the femara would hopefully help me ovulate (check!) which would bring me up to a "normal" chance of achieving pregnancy. In other words, just because I was on a fertility med to help me ovulate doesn't mean I have an increased likelihood of getting pregnant. I am now in the running though, which is awesome! The average couple has a 20% chance of pregnancy each month, so the average couple will most likely achieve pregnancy in 5 months time (approximately).
Of course, I still have those pesky cysts hanging around my ovaries secreting estrogen and potentially messing with my cycle lengths but we're hoping that my nutrition plan in conjunction with the femara will help combat the level in which my cysts negatively affect our odds of conceiving.
Let's put it this way --- we are cautiously optimistic that these next 5 months will be successful for us. We have gotten this far before and further (I ovulated on clomid and with metformin during the 8 months we were actively trying with our first fertility doctor in 2009) so we know better than to be "sold" on the outcome of this progesterone test. But, I'd be lying if I didn't admit we are encouraged. Our hope is to avoid having to do any ART (Assisted Reproductive Technology) such as IUI's (intrauterine inseminations) or, as a last resort down the road, IVF (in-vitro insemination procedures).
For those of you who don't know, we did two IUI's in 2009 and were getting ready for our 3rd attempt when I found out I needed open heart surgery. The doctors were stumped as to why I hadn't conceived during the first two IUI attempts, given all of the facts: I was ovulating, my uterine lining was perfect, my eggs were viable, I didn't have any tubal blockages, my hormone levels were controlled, and Jason's sperm was fantastic. Technically speaking, we "should" have conceived...but we didn't. We had a chemical pregnancy which resulted in an early loss in June of 2009 (almost too early to count...the average woman would just have assumed it was a wonky period but since I was being so closely monitored, I knew better). However, Jason and I now truly believe that we were just not meant to be parents at that time and as it turned out, it was an immense blessing in disguise that we didn't get what we so desperately wanted. My heart was in no condition to handle the blood flow increase that comes with pregnancy and the likelihood of something bad happening to me, the fetus or both were high. We just didn't know it.
So now that I am healthy and on the right track, we are hopeful that everything will fall in to place --- and our dream of becoming parents will no longer be just a dream.
Fingers crossed! :)
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
It's been 3 years
We started our journey to parenthood three years ago today...approximately. It's been a long, arduous, challenging, upsetting, draining, frightening, and, miraculously, even amazing three years. There have been plenty of low's but a few high's, too. We've been through thick and thin, been there for each other through sickness and in health, been to the edge of all we know and been given wings so as not to fall, and we're still here, still very much in love and still moving on down the road to becoming mom and dad. Our baby is out there somewhere, waiting. And we're still here, waiting to love him or her beyond measure. Come and find us, little one, your mommy and daddy are awaiting your arrival with open arms and open hearts.
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