Taking it back

As someone who has never been a runner, typing this is kind of trippy...but here goes nothin': I want to run a 5k.

Let me explain.

Infertility has stolen a lot from me: self-esteem, self-worth, hope, faith, happiness, and above all, my dream of becoming a mom. I don't mean to imply that I'm totally down on myself all of the time, unhappy all of the time, completely lost and hopeless, or that I don't believe that one day I will be a mom, but infertility has taken who I used to be and stomped all over that girl.

I was walking in the park tonight and there is a little playground towards the back that my route takes me past. I usually choose to avoid it {watching little ones at play can be painful} but I felt ok with it today so I went past. There was an adorable little girl, probably about 1.5yrs playing while her mom looked on, seated on a swing. As I passed by her, I could see that her gaze was fixed on her child, her lips curved slightly upward in a reverent smile. She looked blissful, gazing at her baby. I took a mental picture, and fought back tears as I forced myself to keep walking past; the outsider looking in, capturing a quiet, private moment belonging to someone else and claiming it for my own. It was at that moment that I thought, "I need something in my life to work towards that I can control, that I can feel good about and that can remind me of my strengths and NOT my weaknesses." And it dawned on me: a 5k.

Even more so than infertility, I have another reason for setting my sites on running {or jogging} a race: my heart. When I first had open heart surgery, I was amazed by how drained I felt, how even walking down the hall was an enormous effort. I never thought I'd feel strong again and that was crippling. Eventually, I worked back up to being able to walk over a mile a day, then farther, but then I faced another set back and at 26, just four months post surgery, I learned I needed a pacemaker. I felt old. I felt weak. I feared I would never feel normal again, let alone carry a child successfully {something I still fear today, by the way}.

But here I am today. I feel good. I feel strong. I have a long scar down the center of my chest and I have a pacemaker incision scar but I am healthy again. I am learning to view these physical scars as battle wounds, but my emotional scars still need work and healing. I need to feel empowered. I have people tell me that I am an inspiration to them, how amazing it is that I can look and feel so good after what I've gone through health-wise at my age and I appreciate that; I'm honored and humbled by their words, but I need to feel inspired by me. I need to look in the mirror and not see an infertile woman with gnarly scars. I need to see who I really am: a feisty young woman who is a fighter through and through.

I need to see me again.

So, if this month's cycle fails, and if next month's cycle fails, it will be on to IUI for us. But I will take a break before we go that route and I will train for and run a 5k. For me.

Love Personified

As an infertile married woman, I give love, marriage, children, a lot of thought. I think about those three topics quite a bit and for some time now, as I watch my friends and family members get married, get pregnant and then give birth, I have been trying to put in to words why having a family is just so important to me. I can say until I'm blue in the face that I want kids, that I deeply desire to turn our family of two into a family of three or four, or maybe, one day, a family of five. I can say that I want to make my husband a father, that I want to make myself a mother. But why? Why is having kids so important? Because a child is love personified. It's taking 'you' and 'me' and making it 'we'. It's taking a word like 'love' and giving it a soul.

My husband and I have been a couple for 12 years. We will be married 5 years in August. We have grown up together and are truly each other's best friend. We know each other inside and out, often finish each other's sentences, and know what the other is thinking without even trying. It hurts to not be able to give my husband a baby, to make him a daddy, because the best way I can think of to say, "I love you" is with a child. A child who is a product of our love - love, that special four-letter word that we felt such butterflies saying to each other for the first time nearly 11 years ago, that we say to each other several times a day, that we vow to do for the rest of our lives. Love, honor and cherish, from this day forward.

You and me and a baby makes three --- a baby who is us, who is we, and that {you, me, baby or babies} is everything we'll ever need.

Strange, but true

My ovary pain reappeared today, and that leads me to believe that my eggs are growing and that I will ovulate this month! Oh the things we infertiles experience. Who else would understand that ovary pain near ovulation {today is CD 12} is a good thing, something to be happy about? I was mashing bananas for banana bread this afternoon and the pangs started in, and I turned to my husband and excitedly said, "Oh good! My right ovary hurts!" We talked about how weird it is that that would make us happy, since pain usually means something bad, but not in this case, not for me. I'll happily endure the growing pains. :)

Hmmm...

I'm wondering if I'm going to ovulate this month. Last month at this time {CD 10} I was already having major twinging in my ovaries. This time around, I feel nothing. Did my body adjust to the pill dosage and built up an immunity? Do I need to go to 5mg instead of 3.75? I guess we shall wait and see... :/

Some non-infertility related news: I got my referral to be seen at UCLA for my follow-up exams and procedures!! {It's only good for 4 months but beggars can't be choosers - I'll take what I can get!!} For those of you who don't know, I underwent open heart surgery in October of 2009 and then had a pacemaker implanted the following June, so my follow up's got pushed back and then we moved and then we had to switch insurance carriers...and it just didn't happen like it should have. I had my 1-month post op, my 3 month post op, and my 6 month post op, but I never did my year post op for the reasons stated above. So, for the last few months I've been battling with my insurance company and trying to get a referral from the medical clinic I was assigned to locally and it FINALLY came through!! It's very important for me to be seen where I had all of my surgeries and procedures done as well as to be seen by the doctors who have been following my case for the last few years. It's imperative to compare the before and after to make sure I'm healing the way I should be and that all is well. I feel great, but still, it's important. I'm not your average heart patient - not only did I have a semi-rare procedure done {my blood flow was not good or correct, I had major scar tissue build-up caused from my congenital defect, and my right ventricle had developed an extra chamber that had to be re-sectioned} but how many 27 year old's are there who have had open heart surgery and have pacemakers? There are very specific things that need to be looked at and it's why I was referred to a specialist in the first place. So I am VERY relieved! I needed some good news :)

I shouldn't have done it

Today is CD 5 - I will take my 3rd dosage of Femara tonight. I can tell it's working, as I already have pains in my ovaries. Grow, eggies, grow! Two more tries at home and then on to IUI...

So what shouldn't I have done, you ask? I consulted a medium. There is a blog that I follow written by two women who claim to be able to predict when women will get pregnant, the gender, etc etc. They advertised a sale on their blog {$5 for a conception reading} in celebration of recent correct BFP's. I couldn't resist - $5 is a drop in the hat, right? I have always been intrigued by mediums/physics and thought, what the heck? She asked for my first name, my hubby's first name, my date of birth and if I had ever had any miscarriages --- that was all she was supplied. I don't know what I was expecting exactly, but it was just something fun to do I guess. The outcome?

1) She felt like we had been together a long time, were soul mates, and had known right away that we wanted children. {good so far...}

2) She guessed that we had been trying to conceive for 6 months {even though we've been trying all together for much longer, I thought it was interesting since this time around with our new RE, it has been 6 months}

3) She feels like we'll conceive without too much medical intervention {here's to hoping} and that my main issue is ovulation {which is true}

4) She feels like we'll find out we're pregnant December 2011, and her estimated due date is July 28, 2012. It will be a boy, just over 7 pounds, full term, born naturally.

5) She feels like we'll have another child, another boy, in 2014.

Here's the thing: there is 6 more cycles between now and December, 5 if you figure we'd conceive in November to find out in December. FIVE more cycles. So if she's right, that means we will fail 4 more times --- a waste of emotional upheaval, money, effort and time. And I've now started thinking, "why even bother?" Why not just take a break until November? But then again, 1) she could be dead wrong and 2) oftentimes it's not the destination but the journey. Maybe what we will go through from here until November is key to getting a BFP. I don't know - I guess I wouldn't think too much about it and just pass it off as fun if I hadn't been told December 2011 by a reputable medium I saw in 2009. He told me LOTS of spot on things, without having anything but my name to go on: things about my family, things about my future that I didn't understand at the time but have since come to fruition. He did not know about my infertility but when I asked him when I would have a child, he said he saw me pregnant two years from 2009 in December {which would be December 2011} but that I had some things to work on with myself first. I didn't understand it then, was actually very confused {I was happily married, had a great job, genuinely in a good place} but as it turned out, 8 months later I found out that I needed open heart surgery. He was so right it was scary. What are the odds that two different mediums would pick the same date? Gives me the willies just thinking about it...

On one hand, if it's true, then I'll be the happiest little lady come December. But what if December comes and goes without any success? What then? I really shouldn't have done the reading. :/

The Pink

I should know better. I've had practice at being disappointed, so I should know better to pay attention to symptoms or let myself believe that this could possibly be our month. THE month. I should know better and yet, I just can't seem to stop hoping. Praying for something wonderful to happen. Praying that our prayers are answered, and for this nightmare to come to an end.

How many more times will I cry over my friend's baby's photos? How many more times will I see a pregnant woman and wish it were me? How many more times will I go over baby names in my head, and then push them aside because I know deep down I won't need to worry about that yet? How many more times will I cry myself to sleep because this month wasn't THE month? How many more times will I have to reach down within myself and summon the strength to do this, all of this, again? How many more times will I get down on my hands and knees and pray to God and every relative I have in Heaven to please, please bless us with a child? How many more times?

I am tired. I am sad. There is pink on the toilet paper, and all I want to do is cry. So I will.

This is killin' me

Today is cycle day 29. My last cycle was 31 days long, so I have to wait until at least day 32 to test. I have symptoms. I honestly do. And yet, I feel like my period is coming. Like it's RIGHT around the corner, about to rear it's ugly head any second. I've been running to the bathroom to check every so often, driving myself nuts like I tend to do, but I can't help it.

The nurse from the doctor's office called this morning to give me my progesterone level...thanks, a bit late, but thanks. The good news is that she clarified two things for me:

1) Progesterone levels above 9 are indicative of an ovulatory cycle. With meds, they like to see numbers above 15. Mine was 16. Apparently, the numbers really don't matter {other than the over 9 thing} but really just show that my body is prepared to support a pregnancy, should that take place. So that's good.

2) They only count ovulatory cycles so the one cycle when I didn't ovulate doesn't count amongst our five "at home" tries. So if this one doesn't take, we still have two more at home before moving on to IUI. Whew.

She also said they were happy with the levels I've been showing these last two months so we'll stay on the 3.75mg dosage the next two times, if needed. Oh, and she reminded me to take a home pregnancy test if my period doesn't come. Again, thanks. I'm not new to this game.

I'm going crazy here, folks. I can't take this waiting stuff. On the other hand, I'm dreading having to test. I HATE testing. I've always gotten negatives and it's always heart breaking so I just dread peeing on that damn stick. I also hate testing because when I get a negative I have to tell everyone who knows we're trying that this month isn't THE month, again. It makes me feel like such a loser, like why can't this just work? When will it be our turn? It's embarrassing, depressing, and I feel like absolute crap when I don't have good news to share. Not to mention how devastated Jason and I are when my period comes instead of seeing a + on that stick. Please keep those prayers coming...one of these months, it just has to pay off.

A solid 16

I ovulated!!! My progesterone level this cycle was 16, and it was even taken a day later than it 'should' be. I'm definitely happy with that number - and hopeful that this month is OUR month. Last cycle, it was 14.6 up from 0.6 the cycle before and the first month was 10.4 or something along those lines. So this cycle was definitely the strongest ovulation cycle yet! We'll know in about a week, so fingers, toes, eyes, whatever crossed please!! :)