A to Z of TTC

I borrowed this little comprehensive quiz from a lovely lady whose blog I follow, Fertility Frustration. You can find her at http://fertiltyfrustration.blogspot.com/. She also awarded me with a Versatile Blogger award, {thank you, thank you, so sweet!}, which I need to pay forward sometime this week. So, here it is, my A to Z of TTC:

A. Age when you started TTC: 24 {although technically, I was 23 for the first 2 months}

B. Baby Dancing or Sex: huh, depends on who I'm talking to, I guess. I like to refer to is as "business" when writing my blog, although we try not to think about it that way.

C. Children wanted: I used to say 2, but now 1 healthy child is the goal: I'm an only child and I think I turned out alright ;) If we have twins, we'd stop trying and if we ended up conceiving a 3rd child on our own, we'd be over the moon.

D. Dogs/Cats/Fill in Children: Our furry kids are Kobe {the dog} and Chloe {the cat}. They are indeed our surrogate children.

E. Essential Oils/Vitamins/Snake Oils: prenatal vitamins --- that is all, so far at least

F. Fertility Meds I’ve taken: Clomid {gave me weird eye issues}, and Femara 2.5 & Femara 3.75. If 3.75 doesn't work, then we're on to 5mg. I've also taken an ovulation trigger shot of HCG.

G. Gain: Other than the occasional few pound weight gain from bloat and taking the meds, I haven't actually gained any weight since TTC. The docs say I am at an ideal weight, and could probably even stand to gain a few. I think my healthy eating habits {especially the fertility diet I am on right now} are definitely one of the main reasons I've managed to stave off the pounds.

H. HSG (Hystosalpingogram): All clear in February 2009.

I. Infertile Pet Peeves: You're young, you've got LOTS of time; Just relax; have you thought about adoption? So many people get pregnant after adopting; it'll happen when it's meant to happen; Do you guys want kids? {a question we get asked all the time since we've been together 11 yrs and married nearly 5...and I think to myself, "if you only knew how much"}

J. Job title: currently unemployed...

K. Kid’s names you’re afraid will be taken by the time you can use them: Elise, which has already been used in our family, and the others I'm not saying... ;)

L. Length of time TTC: 3 years, 4 months.

M. Miscarriages: none - have never had a +HPT. But, the docs think I had a chemical pregnancy July 2009. However, my mom had multiple losses and a full term still born so I am afraid that once/if I do become pregnant, the next hurdle will be keeping it...

N. Number of times you’ve switched OB/GYNS, REs, FSs: Switched RE's this year --- we moved and the distance was an issue. Plus, they were way expensive. We do miss the more 1 to 1 attention we received at the other place, though.

O. Ovarian quality: I've never had it tested, but the docs have never suggested it...maybe due to my age?

P. POAS or wait for AF: I've done both. Earlier on in this journey, I would always test...and get my heart broken. Now, I totally dread even the THOUGHT of testing. It hurts too much to see that negative/not pregnant.

Q. Quote from an obnoxious fertile: oh man, too many to pick just one winner. This one girl I used to be FB friends with was constantly complaining about not being pregnant again as soon as she'd like. Back story: the girl already has one child {who just turned 2}, is severely overweight, doesn't have a job, her husband doesn't live with them because they can't afford a place big enough, they eat crap all the time, they fight all the time, don't have insurance, etc etc...and she's upset because "everyone" is on baby #2 and she's not. Needless to say, we're not FB friends anymore.

S. Sperm: The nurses at our last clinic nicknamed Jason "Super Sperm." Over 260 million, excellent motility.

T. Time you tried naturally: 20 months + 2 IUI's and one year off due to my open heart surgery.

U. Uterus quality: Good lining, not tilted

V. Vagina: Yep, I do have one.

W. What baby stuff do you already have? A handmade baby quilt, an empty handmade photo album, and 2 super cute baby outfits I couldn't pass up that I got before we even started TTC...just in case. The real question is, how much baby stuff have I purchased for OTHERS??? Answer: too much to count. :(

X. X-tra X-tra Hear all about it! How many people know the ins and outs of your crazy TTC journey?: A carefully selected bunch of family and friends. I don't hide my support of infertility awareness, but I am guarded and private about our journey. Not everyone understands and I can't deal with people's insensitive comments day in and day out.

Y. Yearly Exam (do you still go in even though someone sees your lady parts most months?): Absolutely. Too important to let that lapse.

Z. Zits: The occasional blemish or two, but I've never been prone to skin problems.

Will it be my turn? Someday?

Ok, consider yourself warned, a bit of "sorry for myself" is about to go down.

I've had a crap few years: infertility diagnosis in 2008, open heart surgery in 2009, pacemaker implant in 2010, unemployment {commence financial struggles}, continued struggles with infertility, and now my grandfather has passed away. I know everyone has their trials in this life but man, I would so love to be done for awhile. It's really been a bit much. I'm not saying it's been a solid three years of awful but there have been some REALLY gnarly things to deal with --- infertility would have been enough for awhile, but no, I had to have all kinds of scary business happen with my heart stuff, which is much better now but the fact that I have a pacemaker means it's never going to be something I can put behind me completely, and the scars won't allow for that to happen either. There they are, each and every time I look in the mirror or shower or notice someone looking at them. I still have palpitations every day {much better on the whole but the infertility meds often times make them more pronounced} and I will need to visit the doctor every two years for my heart and every 3 months for my pacemaker for the rest of my life. I will also have to have my pacemaker battery replaced every 7-10 yrs, for the rest of my life.

THAT would have been more than enough to deal with, especially at my age, but combined with the infertility and the other stuff going on right now, it's sometimes hard to find something to smile about. I just want something to go right. Anything. I would love to find a job, say. And of course, I would absolutely LOVE to have a baby. There are so many good things going on for other people and I'm envious. I'll admit it, I am. I just want to throw my hands up to the sky and scream to whomever is up there listening that I'm here, I'm a good person, I need something good to happen to me, before I drown in all the negatives.

I have an amazing husband. He is my best friend and I am so blessed to be married to him. I have a wonderful, supportive network of family and friends. I am finally feeling healthy again. We aren't as bad off financially as some. There is a roof over my head, and I am an intelligent, capable young woman. I found joy in cooking, baking and gardening. I am not saying it is ALL bad. But I am saying that sometimes, enough is enough. People say that God does not give us more than we can handle --- ok, well, I think I've reached my limit for awhile.

When will it be my turn? When will I have something wonderful to talk about, something amazing to share, something happening in my life that I am just bursting with joy about? People also say that you are responsible for your own happiness, and to an extent, I agree, but I can't just forget my sorrow about being infertile and the struggle it's been. I can't push my health issues aside and say, "Oh well, that happened and it's too bad that it's my reality now but I'm happy as a lark regardless." That's not reality. I've had some really hard things to deal with these last few years and it's been a challenge to get where I am right now --- all things considered, I think I'm doing pretty well. And please don't get me wrong. I KNOW there are people out there in WAY worse shape than I: terminal health issues, people in extreme poverty, people living in war zones, etc. And I don't allow myself a pity party very often, because honestly, I know people don't want to hear it {not because they don't care necessarily but because I've discovered that many people are uncomfortable around sadness} and I know it won't change things, but it does need to come out. It's cleansing and therapeutic. And I guess this blog is as good a place as any to do that.

If you've read this far, thank you. I won't apologize for my rant because I'm not sorry. Shit happens, everyone has crap to deal with, but I'm tired. I try really hard to turn things around, find the blessings amongst the muck, find things to be happy about and do things that make me happy but the sheer effort is sometimes exhausting.

Ok, that is all. Pity party complete. :)

NIAW

I stumbled upon this blog and found that the first myth the author busted for National Infertility Awareness Week was applicable to me as well, since I was diagnosed with infertility at 24 --- not 35, not 40, 24. I am reposting her post in hopes of further spreading the word that age is not always the culprit. Us youngin's can also be affected and often suffer in silence because we're not "supposed" to have these problems. We're often told that we still have time, have PLENTY of time, shouldn't be in any rush, and it'll happen when we relax {another infertility myth, by the way}. Please read this woman's story and help spread the word that infertility isn't always an age related issue. It affects women and men of all ages and we too, yearn to be heard.

For some reason, I couldn't get the link to upload properly so just highlight and right-click the link to go to the correct post. :)

http://www.ladiesinwaitingbookclub.com/2011/04/bust-infertility-myth-todays-topic-age.html

A rough week

My beloved grandfather, Harry, (mom's dad) passed away quite suddenly last Wednesday. We think he suffered a massive stroke or heart attack literally knocking him off his feet and causing him to fall back and hit his head. He struck his head so hard that he shattered his skull on the right side and when they tried to do surgery to relieve the rapid swelling of his brain, they discovered his injuries were inoperable and he passed away early the next morning, April 13. As soon as my mom called to let me know my grandpa had fallen and would be undergoing surgery, I made the 4 hour drive up to Santa Maria to be with my family. We sat by his bedside, arranged for him to have the last rites, and gathered again after he had passed to pray over his body. I just got home this Tuesday afternoon after spending a week in Santa Maria helping my mom with all of the arrangements and details. I was halfway through my meds when I went up to Santa Maria last Tuesday and so decided to keep taking them during my time with family. If I don't ovulate as a result of the stress and grief I have gone through, then so be it. If I don't feel like doing "business" this cycle, I'm not going to push it. Whatever will be, will be. I am too devastated and tired to care.

All of the stress and upheaval of the week is just now settling in. I had so much to do when I was with my grandma and family that I didn't have time to rest or grieve. Now that I'm home, it's all hitting me at once. I woke up at 3am this morning feeling super nauseous and spent the rest of the night on the couch. I miss my grandpa more than words can say. He was such a special man, so gentle and kind, so sweet and funny, a wonderful, loving husband {my grandparents would have been married for 65 yrs this June. My mom and I were planning an anniversary party for them}, father, and grandfather. He was a true hero, in every sense of the word. His memorial service is next Thursday.

I am so sad that he didn't get to meet our children. We have tried so hard, and I'm heartbroken that he won't be able to hold our baby in his arms, and that our children won't know him as I did. I know it's not common for children to know their great-grandparents {mine were long gone by the time I was born and Jason was born with only 1 grandparent alive, whereas I was fortunate enough to have both sets alive and well for the majority of my life thus far} but if we had been successful in trying for a baby 3 years ago, he would have known them. I know, I know, it was not meant to be, for more reasons than one, namely my heart complications, but still, it makes me sad.

Grandpa, we love you so so much and miss you dearly. Thank you for always being there for all of us, for your unconditional love and support and for being the wonderful man you were. May you rest in peace, always.

Thanks and an update

Thank you for leaving comments to my last post --- I truly do appreciate the support! I get so excited when I have a comment. haha This whole infertility mess is such a lonely place, and even though Jason and I are going through this together and he is an amazing support system, it oftentimes feels like I am alone. Those of you who have gone through or are going through infertility probably know what I'm talking about. The continued emptiness of my womb, despite our best efforts, the helplessness I feel, and the fact that no matter what anyone says I will always feel as though our infertility is "my fault" because it is my body that has gone rogue, make an already difficult situation even more sad and complicated. So hearing your words of encouragement and love remind me, if even for a little while, that people are thinking of us and that all is not lost.

Ok. That being said, my period did finally arrive on Saturday. Nothing like a 55 day cycle. It's an odd period - unusually light and cramp-free, which makes me feel as though I should probably take a pregnancy test tonight before taking my infertility meds, just to be sure. If the test if negative {as it most likely will be} I will begin day one of five of the increased dosage of the Femara. Instead of 2.5mg, I will be taking 3.75mg (1 1/2 pills). The hope is that the slight increase will be enough to stimulate ovulation. Otherwise, I won't ovulate and next month I will have to take the maximum dosage of 5mg --- which I want to avoid because of my sensitivity to the meds ---> They give me heart palpitations. Wish me luck!

Ephemeral Shadows

The English language lacks the words to mourn an absence. For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend, we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful some not. Still we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only “I’m sorry for your loss.” But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held? - Laura Bush

This pretty well sums up what I'm feeling. How a woman who can say something so eloquently can marry Pres. Foot-in-Mouth Bush, I just don't know. My cycle still has not arrived {I think I'm on day 54 or somewhere around there} so I need to man up and test soon to determine if I need to take my progesterone or not to get things moving along. I have spotted off and on but nothing consistent or anything more than just barely there. I know it's somewhat common for women to spot in early pregnancy but it just doesn't seem "right". However, I am encouraged. Who knows why. I didn't ovulate when I should have but it doesn't mean that I didn't ovulate late, so I suppose there is still a chance. I have had symptoms {including a few late mornings of slight nausea and earlier this week, an afternoon where I got a nauseous wave so severe I almost had to pull over in the car --- I thought I was going to heave-ho}. I don't know. I've had symptoms before. Every period cycle is full of text book "signs" so I'm left unconvinced and irked. I feel like I say this all the time now, but it's true: we shall see.

Also, if you're reading this blog {and I so appreciate it if you are, thank you for your support!}, please leave me a comment once in awhile, just a little shout out. I sometimes feel like I'm talking to myself...