Being Sensitive to Couples without Children

A good friend of mine also struggling with infertility came across this article in a blog she follows and passed it along to me, so here I am passing it along to all of my blog readers as well. The article is originally from LDS.org and although I'm not Mormon, the ideas thoughtfully presented herein transcend all religious backgrounds.

LDS.org - Ensign Article - Being Sensitive to Couples without Children

Thank you to all of our family and friends who so lovingly keep our journey to become parents close to their hearts. Your prayers, kind words and thoughtful gestures are infinitely valued and appreciated. :)

Why now?!

I went to bed last night feeling like I might be coming down with something - a little sweaty, a little chilly, off and on. In short, chills. I was so disappointed but tried the "mind over matter" approach by telling myself that I was NOT getting sick - bad timing, not gonna happen. I downed a glass of water, took a tylenol, warmed up my heating pad, and took some pepto bismol to combat some nausea, then fell asleep for a bit --- and then, the battle of waking up every few hours ensued, the last of which was 6am when I retreated to the bathroom to sit on the side of the tub by the toilet. Thankfully, nothing happened but after about an hour, I did take some more pepto bismol and slept a bit on the couch, the faithful trash can by my side. And with this nausea has come heart palpitations and a headache - I am on hormone overload because I am due to ovulate any day now, maybe even today. {For some reason, whenever I have an upset stomach or cramps, I get heart palpitations. I don't know why, I just do. The docs think it's my heart's way of dealing with things now, and will hopefully lessen with time but may never go away completely either --- the same happens if I have any alcohol, which isn't often but it happens. They think I will be battling it during my pregnancy too and thankfully, if it gets too annoying, they can give me some meds to help.}

Why?! Why now?! Why couldn't I get this whatever it is next week or the week after? I've looked online for any thoughts on being sick while TTC and of course, there is no for sure answer. The sites all agree that a fever could affect conception chances (which I don't have) because it could mess with hormones and affect ovulation and they all agree to stick with tylenol to deal with any discomfort, but no other conclusive information on the subject is available. It all seems to depend on the person and the situation. I am hopeful that because my bug is only slight, that all will go on as planned so we can at least have a chance this month after all I've done with my diet and meds and such to get to this point but I suppose we'll know if I ovulated or not on cycle day 21 (next Wednesday) when they do a blood draw to test my progesterone level.

Please send good thoughts our way!! I don't want to be down and out before we even have a chance...

Sample plates

Just in case you are wondering what on Earth I eat these days and what a meal looks like when following the doctor's nutritional guidelines, Jason took a snapshot of two dinners I've made over the last week.

This is a picture of our meal from last night: Yogurt-marinated chicken with grilled mushrooms and yams. I also made quinoa with fresh dill and toasted walnuts, and for greens, rainbow chard sauteed with garlic and lemon juice.



Below is the spinach salad we had Saturday night with salmon, barley and a tangerine vinaigrette. It has avocado, cilantro, green onions and cranberries.



See, I told you I was eating. ;) Looks pretty good, right? It's fun trying out new recipes and eating new things. Tonight's meal: Asian Turkey Meatballs with Sesame Dipping Sauce, barley and steamed broccoli!

I altered each recipe a bit to suite our tastes, but the recipes were adapted from the February edition of Real Simple magazine.

Loosey-Goosey

The Yoga 4 Fertility VHS arrived yesterday and I gave it a go this morning - it's actually pretty long and really wore me out. But I did feel relaxed and my muscles felt really stretched and loose after the work out so I think it'll be a good addition to my nutrition plan. I'm going to aim to do the video every other day and on the "off days" I'll stretch and do my brisk 30-40 min walk around the park and surrounding neighborhoods.

It's been a week since I officially started my "Baby Diet" and I have to admit that I am feeling great! I have lots of energy, I'm sticking to my nutrition and exercise plan and I feel so much less bloated on average now that I'm staying super hydrated and haven't had "bad" carbs in 7 days. My "good carbs" include high fiber/high protein cereals, whole grain vegan breads, quinoa, barley, etc. But no chips, crackers, cookies, white breads, pasta, rice, or sugary cereals. I've also cut out pretty much all artificial sugar with the exception of my daily ice cream allotment {doctors orders!}. In case you're worried I'm not eating enough, trust me, I am. Three square, filling meals a day, plus an afternoon snack. I just eat the right stuff - lots of fruits and veggies, lots of nuts and whole grains, and protein with every meal. Honestly, eating this way takes more effort but it's really not that much more expensive than eating how we used to and, bonus, it's super heart healthy! In all reality, once a pregnancy is achieved for us, I'll go back to eating how I used to eat, but we have always tried to avoid fast food and eat right, so this new approach is not a huge stretch for us. I'm not going to pretend I don't miss the naughty carbs but I'm really holding out hope that this diet in addition to my exercise plan and the medication will be the right baby-making combination for us.

As they say on many TTC sites, *baby dust* *baby dust* *baby dust*!

Yoga 4 Fertility with Brenda Strong

I found this online and thought it was interesting. I bought a used VHS copy in good condition on Amazon.com for $5.00 with free shipping because we have Amazon prime (free because Jason is a student yippee!) - can't beat that! It should arrive on Friday and I'm excited to give it a try.



I didn't do yoga yesterday as planned (the Femara gave me a headache and I felt cruddy all day) but I did try it this morning. I used my friend's DVD's and the first one was way too advanced for me: it was like watching a contortionist act. I just sat in awe and finally turned it off. The 2nd DVD was better, but I could only do the warm-ups; the rest of the DVD was also too advanced. I am definitely feeling the pull in my muscles though and am glad I have added yoga to my new nutrition plan. I just need to find a DVD that is more my pace. Perhaps this yoga4fertility one will be the one for me. I borrowed a book from the library about yoga for anxiety so I will also flick through that to see what I can learn and apply to my daily routine.

Yoga

My good friend, Faeron got me a lovely purple yoga mat for Christmas along with a gift certificate for two free yoga sessions at a local yoga studio. I thought that before I embarrass myself in public (I'm not so flexible any more...at one point in my life I was able to do the splits but that was many a year ago) I would try to limber up a bit at home first. My friend, Angie let me borrow two of her yoga DVD's so I am going to give it a go tomorrow. I'm kind of excited. I've been wanting to try yoga for a long time but haven't really given it much effort and now is the perfect time for two reasons: 1) the baby diet and 2) I need something to lower anxiety and stress. I was put on Ativan after my open heart surgery and I've been slowly weaning myself off of it for a few months now and I was finally successful: I have been Ativan-free for a whole week now (go me!) and although I'm doing great, I would like to find a natural way to relieve my anxiety. I have so many friends who have told me, time and again, "hey, I really think you should try yoga" and I've said, "I think you're right" too many times without following through so tomorrow is the day. Tomorrow, I have a date with my yoga mat!

The Baby Diet

The new doc, as aforementioned, is a big fan of nutrition and it's role in baby-making. In addition to my Femara, I was "prescribed" a nutrition plan. It is as follows;

1) No fast food and avoid as many commercially prepared products as possible, ie my wonderful Cheez-its, Oreos, etc, pretty much anything packaged.

2) Use olive oil or canola oil when cooking

3) Eat more veggie protein like beans and nuts, and less animal protein (which isn't hard because we just eat fish and fowl)

4) Choose whole grains and other sources of carbs that have lower, slower effects on blood sugar and insulin (this is the hard one for me...I LOVE me some bread)

5) Drink a glass of whole milk or have a small dish of ice cream or full fat yogurt every day; temporarily trade in skim, low-fat or non-fat dairy products for their full fat cousins (done and done, Dr. Jacobsen!)

6) Take a pre-natal vitamin. (Jason was told to take a multi-vitamin)

7) Increase the amount of fruits and veggies we eat that are rich in iron

8) Hydrate, hydrate, hydrate! Water is best, coffee and tea ok in moderation, no soda. No alcohol for either of us.

9) Aim for a healthy weight, which he said I am at. Yay for me!

10) Daily exercise is important. (brisk 30-min walks, yoga, stretching, etc)

11) No smoking. (Easy --- never smoked in my life)

So, there you have it. It's actually both easier and harder than it sounds, if that makes any sense. Easier because I already do quite a bit of these things but harder because there are some things that I don't really adhere to very well such as the daily exercise, or eating the right kinds of carbs and avoiding prepackaged food such as cookies, chips and crackers, or hydrating as well as I should. But I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get pregnant and if this might help, consider it done. Being healthier is definitely not a bad thing - it may be hard to keep up with, eating this way definitely takes concerted effort even after just 3 days (man oh man did I ever want french bread slathered in butter today!) but I think a more holistic approach in addition to the non-holistic meds is worth trying. Perhaps the balance will be the key.

And so it begins

The appointment went well today - we like the new doctor. His name is Dr. Jacobsen and the approach he wants to take is slower is better, which we're happy with. He prescribed a med to start tomorrow for 5 days that is supposed to help with my ovulation. I've taken it once before but it was right before I found out I needed heart surgery and we weren't sure if the med had caused the heart palpitations or if it was something underlying, and the latter of course ended up being the case. Dr. Jacobsen would like to try that med again on a low dose for a few months and not do any procedures and gradually work our way through our options which will a) cost us much less, b) give my system time to "do it's thing" before jumping to more invasive procedures and c) give me more time to continue to get healthier and stronger before considering more aggressive treatment options. He really believes that with my age and a little help it will happen, and thinks that my biggest issue right now is my ovulation problem so hopefully this med will get us on the right track.

We left feeling encouraged and comfortable with where we are, which is the most important thing. I think we both agree that it was the right time to switch doctors and hopefully whatever happens is a positive move in the right direction. He wants me to start on my prenatal vitamins again, and really believes strongly in the power of a good diet (low carb, low sugar, no red meat, low animal protein, lots of fruits and veggies, beans/nuts for protein and good fats, yogurt, whole milk products, ect), drinking lots of water, and getting daily moderate exercise.

So I will start Femara tomorrow - one 2.5mg tablet for 5 days. Hopefully, I won't experience any adverse effects and will be able to complete the dosage. If this med doesn't work or doesn't agree with me, we are out of oral med options which would really be a huge bummer and significantly cut in to our wallet, as we would have to try injections and those are WAY more expensive and work best when paired with an IUI...and we hope to not have to go that route again.

Fingers crossed and if you're the praying type, please say a little prayer for us!

New year, new doctor!

After much debate, Jason and I made the decision to switch from Southern California Reproductive Center to Loma Linda Center for Infertility and IVF. The #1 reason was distance - the closest office to us is in Beverly Hills and trying to plan for procedures with Jason's school schedule was next to impossible. I spent much of this afternoon talking with both centers and was able to schedule a consultation with my new endocrinologist for tomorrow morning at 10am. It was a small miracle because the front desk said he was completely booked but apparently my story touched the heart of the nurse I was speaking to and she made it happen. We are so thankful for that! Hopefully, since I am on day 1 of this cycle today we can still go ahead with treatment this month but since we made the switch on such short notice, it may be too fast for the new doctor. He may want to review my chart and take a bit more time to make an educated recommendation that takes more than just tomorrow - ie he may want more blood work or just have a different viewpoint on which direction to take us in. I want to do what's best for us and for my health so if he needs more time to evaluate my case then that's what is meant to be.

This new center is local (yahoo!) and ranked #10 on the list of Best IVF/Infertility centers in California, and is definitely the best in the area. Our original center is ranked #4 but you know, #10 is nothing to sneeze at and it's what works best for us. The new doc is Dr. Jacobsen and he has a background in OB-GYN and reproductive health in addition to his work with infertility. He has been practicing for 41 years so definitely has experience on his side and his knowledge is more all-encompassing as opposed to a specialty in one specific area. Since he is an OB-GYN there is a possibility that he would be able to continue with us if and when I were to become pregnant, which I think is great (assuming we like him, that is). :) Continuity with someone familiar with your situation is always a plus.

It is exciting to be getting a fresh perspective but we are a bit nervous, too. Tomorrow marks the official launch back in to this fray but we are so hopeful that this year will bring good news and maybe this new center will be the start of something wonderful for us. Wish us luck!

Oh AF, you elusive old crone

Cycle began today, day 44. I put a call in to the fertility doc's office to update them. We shall see what I'm to do, if anything. Still haven't heard back yet about all of the stuff from yesterday. Usually, when I was seeking treatment in 2009, they would have me come in day two, three or four for an ultrasound and then put me on a med once the cycle was over, but I still don't know where I'm going for an ultrasound or if there is a clinic nearby affiliated with Dr. Surrey's office. And, I still have to get letters from my cardiologists stating that I'm ok to proceed with treatment, so this month may be a "dead cycle" anyway if it takes me awhile to get all of that together.

Whatever will be, will be!

This is why I hesitated

Not sure how I feel about where I am right now, but at least I'm somewhere, I guess. I ended up biting the bullet and placed a call to the fertility office to see what the doctor wanted me to do next. When a nurse returned my call, she originally suggested that I come in for an ultrasound and have some more blood drawn to see where I stand right now and what may be happening to inhibit the cycle and to see if I ovulated, which they can apparently tell from the ultrasound and blood work. I reminded her that we now live in Redlands and schlepping from here to LA (the closest office to us) takes some advance planning. To which she replied that, given our new location, perhaps we should consider seeing another specialists...WHAT?!?! Not what I had expected to hear. At all. I told her that I was really uncomfortable with that; that starting over someplace new was not an attractive option given the complicated situation we are dealing with (heart surgery, pacemaker, PCOS patient with atypical PCOS); that Dr. Surrey's reputation alone is what drew me to his practice and that we were fully committed to proceeding with our treatments under his care but had hoped he had an affiliation with a clinic closer to home that we could see for ultrasounds and smaller procedures, as we did in Santa Barbara; that we were happy to come in to consult with him in his Beverly Hills office and if it came to having larger, more complicated procedures that we would make the drive but had hoped to continue in his care; that we had established a patient/Dr relationship and if I started all over again, I'd be STARTING ALL OVER AGAIN; that if we were going to be paying this financial and emotional price, I wanted to be seeing someone who could ultimately get us to where we want to be: pregnant. So, she said she would talk to Dr. Surrey and see what's what.

I am confused and frazzled. I talked to my good friend, Jess and she calmed me down, and pointed out that perhaps, just perhaps, it's not a terrible idea to consider choosing a clinic closer to where we now reside; that the drive and logistical nightmare that would result from living so far from our clinic might be too much stress on us and end up being a bigger detriment than anticipated; that maybe a fresh pair of eyes on my "case" would be a good thing and that just because I believe Dr. Surrey can help us achieve our dream doesn't mean another doctor can't. All true and points taken. I just need to wrap my head around the possibility of seeing a new doctor and taking this in a new direction. {Thank you, Jess, for taking the time to listen and help me see what I was missing in my hysteria.}

Who knows --- maybe a new perspective wouldn't be so bad. Maybe this is what is meant to be, and will make all the difference. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. I just want someone to fix this, and help us make our dream a reality.

Hmmm, to call or not to call...

...that is the question. I am on day 43 of my cycle - no period and I am not pregnant. I tested yesterday and this morning. So technically, I should call my specialist and tell them so I can be instructed on what to do next. But, for some reason, I just don't want to. Is it bad that I'm already dreading re-entering the infertility culture? It is a way of life - you live and breathe your cycle, and I fear that because my cycle isn't cooperating that I will be put on that dreaded drug, metformin. Again. The issue I have with going on that drug this time is two fold: 1) it made me so sick and 2) my insulin and glucose tests came back normal so there really is no reason other than it *might* help with initializing ovulation...key word *might*. It may sound crazy, but I would rather try injections which are far more expensive and pack you full of hormones than be put on metformin again. I just H.A.T.E. that medication so much and shudder at the thought of going on it now after my body has been through so much.

I don't know what to do. I was so hopeful that when I took that dose of progesterone at the end of November that it would jump start my cycles again, like it did 2 years ago. But I was taking Metformin then and it's possible it only worked as a combination. I'm just so frustrated.

I think another reason I feel so up in the air about what I should do is because all of the facilities to get things done at are farther away. When we lived in Santa Barbara, there was a main clinic there where we could see our specialist and he had an affiliation with a local women's clinic where I would get my ultrasounds done and my procedures. Now that we live in the inland empire, our nearest office to see Dr. Surrey is in Beverly Hills (1.5 hours away) and we're not sure of where the closest clinic would be to get any ultrasounds or procedures done...we certainly can't be traveling to and from LA for everything.

And then there's the cost. We have money saved, that's not the problem. If we knew we could achieve our goal in X number of months, we could have a better idea of what to expect to spend but we don't. It could take 2 months or it could take 2 more years - none of the costs are covered by insurance and I still don't have a job. Our decision has been made to use what we have until we're not comfortable using it anymore and then re-evaluating our situation. We figure we have enough for up to 3 IUI's, but we need to find out which method of medication they want to put me on. I've already done clomid which affected my eye sight so that's out and the femara...well, we're not sure what came first, the heart palpitations or the meds so I'd rather not take that med again. That really only leaves me with injections - which are pricey. However, I've read that the success rate for injections, especially with women my age, are more successful than with clomid, so perhaps that is the way to go.

Again, I need to call my doctor but...I just don't want to. Maybe tomorrow.

Devil, thy name is Facebook

Ok, I don't really hate it all the time but for certain very sensitive subjects such as babies --- my nemesis. I can't tell you how many times I've actually broken down and cried from reading yet another post announcing that a friend, relative or acquaintance of ours is expecting a baby. I think the total number of babies conceived and/or born to people we know in the time that we have been trying to conceive has literally reached close to 40, maybe more. In most cases, we are sincerely happy for the couple. Sad for us, but happy for them. In some cases, we are not. We all know those people who really shouldn't have kids for one reason or another and yet, they do. Painful. And then come the baby photos. They are all so adorable, so precious --- and they are all not ours. First, we smile, we exclaim over their perfect little face or tiny little hands and feet, revel in how much he/she looks like daddy/mommy, consider the name choice, say it aloud, trying out the syllables. Then, the tears come. Usually one lone tear at first, but it's the breaking of the dam and you try to hold it back but it just won't be held. When's it going to our turn? What did we do in another life to deserve hardships like ours? Wouldn't we be good parents? Wouldn't our babies be adored and loved beyond measure? How much longer do we have to do this? When will we have our happy ending? Will we EVER have our happy ending?

I said from the beginning that this blog was a space for me to say what I wanted to, what I needed to, without reservation or apology. If you are reading this and you find yourself thinking, "Oh my God, I've had a baby since they started trying and she must really hate me," please stop, because you're wrong. Everyone invited to read this blog is loved by us. We are happy for you and celebrate your amazing blessings. But sometimes, we just need to be sad.

This Will Be Our Year

My good friend, Allie, posted this awesome song on to my Facebook page and Jason and I were very moved by it so I thought I'd share. She had thought of us when listening to it and I have to agree that it really sums up how we feel about where we are, taking in to account our recent past and how we feel about the year ahead. Thank you, Allie!