Maybe because my birthday is next month...

I've been thinking quite a lot about my goals. Life goals. Not a bucket list really, but things I really do want to do before I kick it. The bucket, I mean. I know I'm still young, I'll be 28 next month, but time marches on so rapidly, more so each and every year it seems, and before I know it, I'll be turning 38, then 48, and I have things I want to do. Things I really, really aspire to do and have wanted to do for as long as I can remember.

I have an amazing husband, wonderful family and friends, and I am blessed. I am. But... I'm not where I thought I would be at 28. I thought we'd have a child, maybe even be working on our second. I don't have a real job. I'm temping while Jason is in grad school, and we'll probably be moving out of state this summer. We got married young, and nearly 6 years later, I'm still relatively where I started on my college graduation day: jobless, childless, houseless, with the addition of an 8-inch scar down the center of my chest, a pacemaker, infertility, and a dog to go with our cat. It gets me down sometimes.

I'm watching You've Got Mail as I type this post. It's one of my very favorite movies. I adore The Shop Around the Corner. It's what got me motivated to write about this topic because I've learned that if you write it down, it's a commitment of sorts, something you're held to because it's there, in black and white, staring at you as a reminder of what you said you'd do. Or be. And I like that. I want to be held accountable for my dreams...because I fervently hope they'll one day become reality. So here's the short list. These are the big 3.

1) Become a mother. Obviously. This one has been at the tippy top of my prayer list for going on 4 years now. Every single moment of every single day, my heart, my soul, longs to be someone's mommy. I know, deep down, that one day that dream will come true. I don't know when or how. This year? Next? Three years from now? {Oh please, don't let it be that long...} Will we have a biological child? Will I get to carry our baby inside of me, feel it kick and roll, and give birth to our little miracle? Or will we adopt? Foster, then adopt? Use a surrogate? I don't know. I wish so badly that I knew, but as my cousin reminded me the other night, "God has a plan for you." Indeed. I just wish I could be in on some of the details.

2) Own a children's book store. It's been a dream of mine since high school. Maybe before, I don't remember. But there is something so alluring about it, something that draws me in and holds me close. I am so deliriously happy in bookstores in general, but the magic of a children's book store is unique. It is something that cannot be described. You have to experience it, feel it. The children's book store in You've Got Mail is perfect. Each time I watch the movie, I just want to step inside my tv screen, grab a book from the well-stocked shelves, and settle in for a good read. The way books smell, the way they feel in your hands, the sound of the pages turning, the worlds you become a part of... that's real magic. If only I had the funds...and if only the economy were better. But one day, one day it will happen. It must. I have to find a way to make it happen.

3) Write children's books and be a published author. I have a creative writing degree. I LOVE to write (or used to, I'm not very diligent about it anymore. I need to be better). I love words. I love stories. I prefer to write with a pencil. I love reading children's books (which is great because it goes well with #2 on this list). I love the children's book section at the library. I love reading storybooks to children, and watching their faces light up as mine once did. There is nothing like a good story. When I was recovering from open heart surgery, I was laid up in bed for weeks and I had a children's book marathon. I was able to forget the pain for a little while, forget my fear, and escape to far away imaginary places, and it was wonderful. I want to write stories for children. I want to see my stories on book shelves (maybe in my own store??) and see my name in print.

So there you have it, my short list. I know they're lofty. But they're mine. And if I am fortunate enough to accomplish all three of the above, it will feel like I've won the lottery. But the one that matters most is of course sitting right on top at #1, where it will always be. And once I am a mother, it will remain the #1 thing I will ever do. There is nothing more important than raising a child. It is a supreme gift, one I intend to cherish my whole life through.

CD 44 & meds

Tomorrow, I will start my progesterone to get things moving. Typically, it takes a few days (up to 10 bleh) to work but I'm hoping it won't keep me waiting that long. It would be super to get going on this cycle. I was supposed to pick up my prescription today but according to the nice nurse I talked to, Dr. Sunshine (aka the doctor that I hate at my current clinic, thusly named due to his lack of enthusiasm and empathy) didn't take a look at his inbox today so my request wasn't put through. GRRRR

Things otherwise aren't so hot. Too much stress and anxiety. My new year's resolution to roll with whatever life throws our way is really being tested right now (and may have been too lofty a goal), and I'm not sure how I'm faring. So far, this week hasn't gone very well, something disheartening each day to contend with. One of today's highlights: taking another pregnancy test (because the clinic asked me to before I start my meds even though I took one last week...) and not seeing even the faintest of faint lines. Good times. Loved it. As if my period not coming on time so we could actually do an IUI this month because I'm freaking infertile wasn't bad enough, I had to take a pregnancy test just to make sure I wasn't pregnant. Come on, folks. We've been trying really hard to get pregnant for almost 3.5 yrs now and if it hasn't happened at home on meds with much concerted effort, and it's only happened once with an IUI, it's certainly not going to happen while being careful (read: using other forms of contraception) medication-less. And I've been pregnant now, so I know how my body feels when pregnant and this ain't it. But yes, let's have the woman who just suffered a miscarriage 3 months ago take yet another test. Rub it in, much? And yes, I know they have to cover their behinds, but taking that test (well actually, both of the tests I took in a week's time) felt like a slap in the face.

Oh how I hope next week is better....

CD41 ....

In case anyone was wondering, no period yet. And today is CD 41. I also haven't spotted since Tuesday. I'm nauseous at different intervals during the day (like super nauseous, usually around lunchtime), and often in the middle of the night. I cannot tell you how frustrating this is. Two months prior to this, textbook perfect cycles. Now, nothing. Nada. Zilch.

I am trying, with everything in me, to stay true to my "I can't control any of this and I need to just let it go" attitude, but let me tell you, it is HARD. Because I care. A lot. And because we've officially lost January for an IUI attempt. And we may lose February if Jason is out of state for an audition during when I need him to be here. But again, we have no control over any of that...and it makes me want to pound something.

In case you're thinking, "Maybe you're pregnant," I took a test on Monday (CD 36) and it was negative. We were careful during our doctor mandated 3 month TTC hiatus, but I wanted to be sure, so I tested. I will take another prior to taking any medication but honestly, it's the damn PCOS that is screwing me up, as it tends to do. I eat well, I'm taking my metformin again (which may be the culprit for messing up this cycle since it's the only thing different in the equation this time), and my weight has held steady for years. In fact, the doctor says I could stand to gain a few pounds (I know, saddest song on the world's tiniest violin) but I can't seem to do it. I exercise as I've been told to. I take my prenatals every day. People who don't give a shit get pregnant every day at the freaking drop of a hat and yet, I can't. And when I finally did, I lost it. I just don't get it. Probably never, ever will. And again, I know I need to let it go because I can't control it, but it is HARD because reminders of my infertility are everywhere I look. But I am trying. Seriously trying. For instance, I could have cried about this but I haven't. That level of frustration won't get me anywhere or change anything. Sadly, it is what it is.

I am going to get my progesterone on Monday, but I can't take it until after January 25th because of timing for next month. There is a potential audition on February 4 so I need to time our February IUI between that weekend and the last weekend of the month due to another potential audition. It's all I can do. The rest is out of my hands.

More of the same + a lunchtime epiphany

No period yet. Today is CD36. If you're wondering how upset I am about it, the answer is very. I even took a pg test, just in case, and of course, it was negative. I am so over this crap. I slept very poorly last night: woke up sweating, weird dreams, and was hot all night, so I'm guessing it's close to arriving, but it's definitely taking it's sweet time. I've been spotting off and on since Friday but it has yet to "commit" to even a trickle. I'm giving it until Wednesday, and then I'm calling the doctor to get a progesterone prescription.

Oh, and Jason will be auditioning (hopefully) for schools for his doctoral program throughout February, March and April and no, we don't know when yet, so that's another fun hurdle. If this show doesn't get on the road soon, we may not be doing our IUI this month, and if he's gone when I need him to be here next month, we've lost February, too. Not a happy camper, not by a long shot.

**Update**
Called the doctor this morning during my break and was told they would like me to wait it out until Friday (CD40) and then if my period is still MIA, they'll write me a prescription for progesterone to get things moving along. So basically, this is the breakdown: if it comes any time between Jan. 20 & Jan. 25, and if Jason is away the weekend of Feb. 4 for an audition, we won't be able to do an IUI. It's that simple.

I had a mini break down in the car today during lunch and came to this conclusion: I simply cannot control this process. Not one thing about it is in my control. That being said, I need to let some of it (the anxiety, the anger, the sadness) go. I need to, or I will go crazy. I need to remember that I am doing all that I can, and all that I can is the very best I can do, no more, no less. I need to cut myself some slack and not beat myself up over something I have zero control over. If my period is still MIA by Friday, I will get my prescription but not take it until after Jan. 25. If it comes on it's own before then, so be it. If that's the case, this month wasn't meant to be. I have to let it go.

Dear period

Dear Period,

Although I hate when you're here and I have come to really abhor the sight/feel of you, your arrival is crucial to our continuing on with our fertility treatments. It would be grand if you could get it together and be on time, like you were the last two months. I feel you gearing up, but you just haven't committed yet and it's time, it's time to commit, because I'm super ready to get this show on the road. You know I don't ovulate without meds and I can't take my meds until you show your awful red face, so let's get on with it.

To be fair, I realize I haven't welcomed your appearance in the past, but this month is different. I'm sorry if it's confusing to hear me actually asking you to show up, as opposed to wishing on everything holy that you'd decide to skip your monthly visit, but listen to me very closely: please show up, and soon. Today is CD30, and if you don't arrive soon, I'm going to have to call the doctor and start progesterone and I'd rather not do that. I'd rather not force it. So let's work together. Let's be sensible.

I'll expect to see you tomorrow, and if not tomorrow, then the day after. Don't disappoint me, not this time, especially since we've just begun to get along so well.

With hope,
Melissa

I can do it

So, this is new: I'm actually trying to will my period into arriving. I'm so used to praying, begging, willing it NOT to come (you know, in hopes of being pregnant) that this hopeful feeling of "maybe today is the day that it will appear" is really quite odd.

Today is CD28. It arrived on CD28 last month, and CD29 the month before, so I'm just hoping that it comes today or tomorrow, as I had really started to believe that my periods had somehow regulated. I've heard of it happening post miscarriage: super wonky cycles prior to pregnancy, and then after pregnancy or post-miscarriage, they're not wonky anymore. Fingers crossed that my period will arrive no later than Tuesday, CD30 because...

...this is the month we can try again!!

I'm ready. We're ready. We went to a wedding yesterday and on the 2-hour drive home, we talked baby names. For 2 hours. Our hearts are full of hope. We're cautiously optimistic and scared and anxious and trying to find some semblance of excitement to push us into this next part of our journey/battle and I think, bit by bit, we're finding it.

Have we found/made peace with our loss? I don't think we're there quite yet, but I think we will, in time. We are still sad. I think we always will be, as it would have been a child, our child, and that baby is not here with us. But we have each other, and we've been through an awful lot in our short 5 year marriage, so I know we'll be alright.

I'm still having trouble with all of the FB baby announcements. I'm still envious of my family and friends who are pregnant or have children. I'm not proud of that envy, but I'm pretty sure it's a feeling every woman battling infertility struggles with, and the longer you walk this path, the stronger the feeling. Next month will mark 4 years for us. We started trying in February of 2008. Yes, we had to stop trying for a year (2010) following my open heart surgery, but we never stopped wanting a baby, and the sadness we felt during that year as we watched the months tick by, feeling like we were losing time, is hard to delete and discount from the memory bank. It's a lost year. Had my health allowed, we would have kept trying. So with that in mind, I suppose I'd say next month will mark 3 years of active trying + one year of active yearning.

2012 will be our year. It will be. It must be. Sometimes, it feels impossible, but you know, I'm good with that, because when it happens, it'll be a miracle and aren't miracles at one time deemed impossible things? "It wasn't supposed to happen, but it did! It's a miracle!"

Plus, when I was 2, my favorite phrase was, "I can do it!" Everything was something I could do, even if it wasn't, but I was convinced it was. My 2 year old self knew I could do it, so maybe I can. Wouldn't it be lovely if life were really that easy?? But hey, why not? Why can't it be? Maybe my toddler self was on to something...

Hi, my name is Melissa and I can do it. Yep, feels pretty good.

Double-edged New Year

It's officially 2012, a brand spanking new year is upon us. It should be a time of rejoicing, of looking towards the future with rose colored glasses, because, after all, we have 12 whole months to "get it right".

Instead, I had a mini breakdown this morning. I am terrified of the new year. Why? Because the last 4 years have been supremely challenging, and I'm afraid that this year will be the same, or worse. 2008 was my infertility diagnosis. 2009 I had a chemical pregnancy and underwent open heart surgery....I thought I was going to die, survived, persevered, but it was an awful year. 2010 was neutral: continued recovering from surgery, had my pacemaker implant in June, and we moved in August so Jason could pursue his Master's. But, we ushered in 2011 with a fresh perspective, renewed hope, and even donned a pair of rose colored glasses for the hell of it. We did feel hopeful. We were given the green light by my cardiology team to start trying for a baby again, had a new fertility doctor, and we really felt like 2011 was going to be OUR year. Everyone agreed with us, because it had been a long time coming, hadn't it? We had been through so much, surely it was our turn for something good. And what did we get? Unemployment and financial strain, my grandfather died unexpectedly and tragically in April, a miscarriage in October, our family dog died in August, my mom's boyfriend was diagnosed with cancer in July, and my grandmother is battling dementia and depression, which has meant that my mom's life has gotten exponentially more difficult and emotionally challenging. I am WORN OUT from this year, and am not sad in the least to see it go. 

So as I said, I am terrified of this coming year just as much (if not more so) as I am hopeful that it will be the great year that we so need it to be. I sat on the edge of the bed this morning, paralyzed by the realization that today is January 1st. Could it be an awesome year? Absolutely! It could be the best one yet, one for the record books. We could get pregnant again, and our family of two could finally become  (or be on it's way to becoming) a family of three. Jason could get accepted into the doctoral program of his choice and we could move somewhere really amazing. I could get a real job, and we could feel like we're genuinely back on track again. Or...it could be another scary, gut wrenchingly emotional year. 

I'm jaded. I get that. I'm not totally blind to that reality. I write/blog because it's therapeutic. I don't do it for sympathy - I do it because if I didn't write, if I didn't get all of my fear, frustration, anger, etc out of my head and onto paper or in this case, the cyber screen, I'd go crazy. Writing is who I am. And I wish I had more uplifting words to share, I do. Trust me when I say I'm so over being pessimistic and down, but honestly you guys, 2008 through 2011 have not been filled with good things. Instead, we have bobbed and weaved through 4 years of up's and down's and the bad has eclipsed the good. It is exhausting to keep getting up and brushing myself off after each blow. I am tired. Yes, there are blessings in my life. Yes, I have an amazing husband and I am beyond lucky to be married to my best friend. Yes, my heart is healthy and overall, I am doing well with my health. Yes, I am blessed to have wonderful family and friends who love me and are so supportive in all aspects of our lives ----> if you're reading this, thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for staying on this journey with us. We couldn't do it without you!! But I need a good year. I need something good to happen, to me, to us, to my family. I need to feel like I'm not invisible, like I'm not being punished for something in a past life. I need to feel peace. I need to know that it will be alright. I need to trust that I won't always feel this blue, that this too shall pass. 

What I need, what I really need, is to believe again.