What if...?

What if...

...My eggs aren't any good?

...I have endometriosis? {I'm pretty sure I do, I have all of the symptoms}

...I'm releasing "bad eggs" every month?

...I have a hostile environment and I'm killing off the sperm before it can get to my egg?

...I have premature ovarian failure?

...I have diminished ovarian reserve?

...We never see what our biological kids would look like?

...I get pregnant but then I have a miscarriage?

...I have several miscarriages?

...I have a full term stillborn like my mom?

...I can't carry a baby to term because of my heart?

...I have heart problems when pregnant?

...We can never afford to get our "take home" baby?

...I'm never pregnant?

My mind is full of what if's. This month is our last try-at-home-cycle before moving on to IUI. I still can't decide if it would be best to take a break for two months if this month isn't successful or if it would be best to keep plugging along now that my cycles have been so regular {3 months of normal cycles: 31, 30. 31}. Money is tight, but it will be tight for the next four years while Jason is in school {1 more year of grad school and then 3 more years of doctoral studies, wherever that will take us} and my ovaries aren't getting any better with time nor will my odds of getting pregnant improve with age. I really REALLY want to give it our all while we're in California since UCLA is so close and they want to monitor me and any potential baby due to my heart health, and I want to be pregnant close to my family and friends. So, we are undecided at this time, but will have to make a decision should this cycle not take. My gut instinct is to keep going - I'm ovulating and my cycles are more normal than they've been in a very long time. As my grandmother used to always say, "Whatever will be, will be." Very true - I just wish I could somehow magically become ok with whatever our future may hold...

Running out of steam

Each month, it's the same. I get my hopes up like an idiot and get let down, have my heart broken. Today is cycle day 1. My period arrived sometime in the wee hours of the morning, although I did get a head's up around 11pm last night when I pee'd and yep, you guessed it, The Pink showed it's ugly face.

I had all sorts of emotions running through my head last night, all kinds of ideas on how to structure this blog entry I knew I'd be writing this morning, but now, they're all gone. How many more ways can I say that I'm feeling beaten down, beyond disappointed, sad, frustrated, angry, confused, guilty, scared, defeated, powerless, hopeless, etc etc etc? I cried for the better portion of the morning, and even that gets old because there is nothing to be gained from my tears accept a kind of release. I am 27. How in God's name can this be so hard? Haven't I been through enough? I mean, I suffered through nearly two years of infertility prior to having open heart surgery at the age of 25, had a pacemaker put in when I was 26 and now have spent 7 more months struggling with my old nemesis. Pardon me for thinking I've had more than my fair share of strife. But it's not over is it? It seems like it'll never be over, that I'll never be pregnant, never feel the miracle of life growing from within me, never see what you + me =.

I'm angry. Part of me wants to give up, at least for awhile but how do I give up on the one thing I've ever truly wanted? Will never stop wanting? Why is this so hard?

God grant me the serenity...

...to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

--Excerpt from The Serenity Prayer

Today is CD28. Usually, between today and CD30/31, I will start to see the dreaded pink on the toilet paper. My last two cycles have arrived on time, with confirmed ovulation for the cycle. I didn't write about it, but I did receive confirmation from my CD21 blood test that I did, indeed, ovulate this cycle. The progesterone level was 14, so it went down from last cycle but it's still considered acceptable {the nurse said anything over 10}. So now, we wait. Either the pink will show itself as I fear, or it won't. Only time will tell. I know we did our best. We did our "business" as often as we could within our 10-day fertility window, I've taken my prenatals every day, I've stuck to my fertility diet, and my body pulled through with an ovulation. So please, God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...we did our best and now the rest is up to you.