Yes, I'm neurotic, but I don't care: it's not about me anymore

I went to urgent care today because I suspected I had a UTI. I don't have any blood in my urine or burning when I pee, but I do have the back ache and pressure. I told the doctor there that I was pregnant, that I had tried for 3 years to get pregnant, and that I was very worried about taking anything while pregnant. The pee stick test they did on my urine sample came back probable for an infection, so she prescribed me a pregnancy approved antibiotic called nitrofurantoin mon/mac 100mg (also referred to as macrobid). I even asked the pharmacist if it was approved for pregnant women and he said yes, that many of their pregnant patients take this med for UTI's.

I call my fertility clinic to ask what they think about me taking this medication but didn't expect to get a response, which {surprise, surprise} I didn't.

So I get home, and being me, I google this macrobid. And of course, being the internet, there are very scary stories posted there for me to freak out about. Some people said that a few days after taking it, they miscarried. FREAK OUT.

So I call my mom. She says that it's unlikely that if these women miscarried just days after taking a pregnancy approved antibiotic, it was not the meds that caused the miscarriage, that miscarriages occur over time, not just in a matter of a few days. That the baby had probably already died and it was just coincidental that the actual passing of the miscarried fetus occurred after taking the antibiotic.

Then I call the on-call nurse at my medical clinic. She says that she's not an RN from the OB department but she can look up the drug and see what she can see. It's a 'class B' medication, meaning it's safe for pregnancy. She knows that most patients are prescribed macrobid when pregnant, that it is VERY rare for an antibiotic to cause a miscarriage, but she recommends that I call urgent care and leave a message with the nurses there for the doc I saw to call me back.

So I do. And she does call back and is very kind to answer all of my neurotic questions. 1) It is VERY rare for an antibiotic, especially a pregnancy approved one, to cause a miscarriage. 2) Google is not the best place to receive medical advice  ..... 3) She believes it is 100% safe for me to take {as it is the most commonly prescribed pregnancy UTI med}, but agrees with my hesitation since the pee test alone was not 100% conclusive for UTI, and I did not have any other symptoms besides mild back pain and extra discomfort and pressure when I need to pee. So, here was her suggestion: the culture results from my pee sample will be back in 2-3 days. They are open 7 days a week, so I can call over the weekend to get my results. If the results come back conclusively that I do indeed have a UTI, she recommends that I take the antibiotic, as an untreated infection running rampant in my body is not a risk anyone wants to take. BUT, if the culture comes back negative for infection, then no harm, no foul.  She agreed that taking a medication when pregnant, especially when it is not needed and using it purely as a preventative measure is not really a smart plan.

There you have it. The neurosis of being a parent has already begun and the baby isn't even here yet. Every decision I make affects this baby growing inside of me. Is it the right one? The wrong one? Pull.Out.Hair.

Do you think I'm making the right decision? {Le sigh}

Nerves and onesies

This coming Monday is our very first ultrasound. We get to "meet" out little baby to be and we are sooo excited but nervous, too. Are all ultrasounds nerve wracking to enter in to? I'm guessing yes. We will definitely report back on how it goes...do we have one baby growing in there or two? From my kinda high initial beta, the nurse didn't rule out multiples but said we'd have to wait and see what the ultrasound showed. Big day!!

We're traveling to Hawaii in 9 days to meet our niece and visit Jason's brother and our sister in law. It's a family trip so we're going with my in-law's and since it's rare that we're all together in one place due to distance, we've kept the baby a secret from his family thus far and are planning on telling them in person by putting our niece in a little violet onesie that says, "I'm getting a cousin!" Good times :)

5 wks & first belly shot

I am 5 whole weeks pregnant today...only 245 days to go! haha Our little Twinkie is the size of a sesame seed this week, up from a poppy seed last week, which means baby is about twice as big. A lot is happening in there!

I felt kind of silly taking a belly shot at this point, since there's really nothing to see, but as Jason pointed out, we've gotta start somewhere and I want to see the progression. So here it is, my 5 wks belly shot. That little roundness of my belly, yea, that's bloat. :) 

If I thought I was anxiety ridden before...

...then I was sadly and sorely mistaken. I'm pregnant. The thing I thought I'd never see has come to pass and now, I'm filled with such fear, dread and anxiety about the possibility of losing it, that it's nearly all I think about. I try to push it aside, but it just comes creeping back in. "You've gotten what you've always wanted, and now it's time to take it away," it says. "If it seems to too good to be true, it usually is," it whispers. GO. AWAY.

Please don't misunderstand. I know how very lucky and blessed we are, but once an infertile, always an infertile, I guess. I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop, and I hate that. I would give anything to just revel in the awesomeness that is this miracle but the what if's are horrible, the worst they've ever been. Every twinge, every small ache or cramp, sets me on edge. Some are nice, like the tickly, itching sensation that ran across my belly yesterday afternoon, or the sensation of warmth coming from deep within that surprised me during my lunch break yesterday. I rub my belly and tell it, "Mommy and Daddy love you, stay strong, keep on growing." I wish I could gaze into a crystal ball and see what comes after these first three months.

One day at a time, one day at a time, one day at a time. We love you, baby, and I was so, SO right: you were more than worth the wait. Just be a good boy or girl and keep on growing. :)

Still can't believe it's REAL!

My beta came back really good yesterday! My clinic said they would have been happy with anything above 150 and my beta was 410!! So, our first ultrasound appointment is scheduled for Monday, October 3 at 8am. I will be 6wks, 1 day. So exciting, and yet still so so surreal....

I've said from the beginning that this blog is my space to chronicle our journey to baby. I have seen these weekly pregnancy questionnaires on other "success after infertility" blogs and I thought it would be a good way to keep track of how I'm feeling for my own benefit, while also documenting my progress for our family and friends {especially for those we don't get to see much due to distance}. I don't plan on doing it every week {that would be a bit redundant}, but I'll try to do it every few weeks or so. Every once in awhile, I'll post a belly pic, too. So, here we go...entry #1!

How far along?: 4 wks, 2 days :)

Pregnancy Symptoms: bloated, gassy, some pulling/tugging sensations in my tummy, back ache, frequent urination, some sporadic nausea. Sore, swollen boobs. Abs feel very tight, like I've done a ton of crunches. Starting to feel some fatigue, but not too bad yet. 

Total weight gain/loss: just water weight mostly from the bloat, probably way less than a pound at this point. It feels like more though!

Maternity clothes?: Not yet, but I'm excited!

Stretch marks?: Nothing new as of yet, just a few white/clear ones on my hips from a growth spurt when I was younger.

Sleep: Last night, pretty good. I woke up in a sweat, though. Yay hormones! The prior few nights were a joke. Couldn't stay asleep, couldn't fall back asleep if {or should I say when} I woke up to pee. I pee about 2-3x a night.

Best moment this week: Finding out we were PREGNANT!!!!! :D

Movement: Nope, way too early. But it's so amazing to think there's a little "us" in there!

Food cravings: I don't crave anything specific yet, but I have noticed I am more excited to eat savory or spicy food than I am anything sweet. Fruity smells kind of make my stomach turn.

Gender: UGH long wait ahead yet for that one! I honestly don't have a preference. I know some people do, and I'm not saying it's bad if you do by any means, but not me. I used to think I wanted a girl, but that was before infertility. Now I just want a healthy baby, boy or girl.

Labor Signs: Dear God, no!!

Belly Button in or out?: No change as of yet.

Wedding rings on or off?: Still on!

What I miss: FETA!! Also, my Nescafe - it has aspartame sugar and that's a no-no.

What I am looking forward to: Oh my....having a CHILD!! haha Being a Mommy! My husband becoming a Daddy, and watching him with our child. Watching my belly grow, maternity clothes, registering for baby stuff. If I had to pick a moment? When our child is placed in my arms for the very first time. *tear*

Weekly Wisdom: Don't worry, don't worry, don't worry!!! One day at a time...

Milestones: We conceived a child. HUGE milestone in my book!!

At Last

We are going to be parents. At long last. I got my very first BFP at 2am this morning and there's no mistaking it. {The pic doesn't do it justice, but you get the idea}. We are elated, overjoyed, hysterically happy, and yes, a bit surprised. I really thought it wasn't going to happen for us. Thank you Lord, thank you thank you. I have waited a long time to say this:


I am PREGNANT!!!!!!! :D


It feels strange, alien. Like this couldn't really be happening, but it is. I get my blood drawn today to check the numbers, but I'm pretty confident.

Thank you, from the very bottom of my heart for being there for us. I know this journey is far from over and that the anxiety is just beginning. I know that PCOS comes with a high rate of miscarriage. It is very early, and we have a long ways to go, but we are ecstatic.

If you're reading this and we're friends in real life, I am not planning on saying anything on Facebook until we're at 12 weeks, so please don't even hint at this pregnancy on FB. I don't know how I'm going to keep mum, but it's for the best. And THANK YOU for all of your love, support, and for never giving up on us, even when I wanted to. Love love love.

For those still waiting for their BFP's please don't leave. Please don't stop following along. But I'll understand if you do. You have to do what feels right for you, and I know much it hurts to read posts like this. But I would love for you to stay, and thank you for following along thus far. You are all in my prayers, and your support means so much.

Oh. My. God. Wow.

"Hell" or, "The End of the 2ww"

I've been getting mixed signals from my body. For the past few days, I've been feeling super warm, especially at night, like radiating heat. I'm having trouble sleeping/staying asleep. Last night, for instance, I woke up every hour/hour and a half, and each time, I had to pee. I've been feeling achy. I've had headaches. My lower back aches, and I feel kind of crampy (not painful, but more along the lines of a dull ache). I'm exhausted, and yet, I don't sleep well at night. I'm bloated, and for the last few days, I've been waking up with a stuffy nose that goes away as soon as I am no longer horizontal. I was nauseous on Monday, again this morning, and overall I feel weird in the mornings...but maybe that's because I'm not sleeping well. I took a nap the other day (before I was having trouble sleeping), which I never do. And today: brown cervical mucus. Implantation bleeding? Maybe, but let's face facts, probably not.

I HATE this last part of the two week wait!! Is it my period, or am I finally pregnant?? Who knows. I don't. Do you??

I've read that many women feel like they're coming down with the flu when in actuality, they're pregnant. Is that what's going on with me? Today is CD 26/12 DPO. I feel like it's 1) too early for my period to start since my cycles are usually 30-32 days long, but 2) too late for implantation bleeding, even though I've read that it can occur anywhere from 8-12dpo. I ovulated on CD 14 or 15 this month due to the HCG shot so does that mean I'm going to have a 28/29 day cycle this month? Does ovulation always occur right smack dab in the middle of your cycle?

I'm really starting to think this cycle is yet another bust. I just don't have a good feeling about it right now, at all. That brown mucus really threw a big fat wrench into the mix, because I honestly think my period is on its way. Which makes me want to hurl and/or punch a whole in the wall and/or cry my eyes out. When I first saw it, I was confused, and then a bit encouraged, and then...upset. Because I just don't think it's what I want. Not at CD 26, and not when I'm having some cramping.
                                                                     
                                           ***********

In other news, I started a temp job yesterday. Great, yes, but also, not so great in that it's going to severely hamper my ability to go in whenever I need to for my fertility treatments. If this cycle doesn't take (God forbid...) and we need to do another IUI, how will I make my appointments? I'm a temp, I have no work history with the company so they don't really know me from Adam, nor do I have time accrued to take off. I called our clinic today and found out that they do all ultrasounds at 8am, and IUI's at 9am (sperm samples are dropped off at 7:30am). For example, if my CD 12 ultrasound is at 8am on a Wednesday, and I need an IUI that Friday, how the eff am I going to get that time off?? Two doctor's appointments in one week? And, you don't know when your IUI is going to be until the ultrasound so it's not like I can tell the boss ahead of time. I was lying awake last night worrying about all of this. Why is this just all so complicated and hard? What am I going to do?

Ovulation: Check!

Phew! My progesterone blood test results came back at 13.9, which means I ovulated! My egg was indeed released down the shoot and hopefully met up with those stellar sperm. I'm relieved. Very relieved, in fact. It's one step closer to a BFP.

I asked if the number is ever indicative of pregnancy and she said no, not at that stage {which was CD 20}. It just shows whether or not I ovulated. Women can get pregnant with progesterone levels of higher, the same, or lower than what I had, so it's really just unique to the woman.

Oh please, please, please let this be our month. Please, please, please, please, please....

Reflection

I wrote an entry on my other blog reflecting upon the events of September 11, 2001. If you have a moment, please read it, I've attached the link below. Comment if you like, but above all else, please take a moment or two {or longer} to honor the lives we lost that day. We will never forget.

http://melissanam2227.blogspot.com/2011/09/reflection.html

Hey, crazy, it's me, Melissa

I feel crazy. I feel like I'm not going to make it through this 2ww. Today is 6 dpo. I have some very slight what-might-be-characterized-as-symptoms symptoms. But in my heart of hearts, I know it's truly too early to be feeling anything definitive at all, too early for any throwing up to occur, or strange "well now, this is different" type of symptoms.

I have one friend who, with both of her pregnancies, knew she was pregnant before she took a test because she couldn't stomach drinking water. It would make her sick. Can't I have a moment like that? My cousin said that with our Godson, she felt like she was going to get the biggest period of her life, but never did --- she was really pregnant. Will that be what I feel like? My mom, when pregnant with me, didn't know she was pregnant until she was nearly through her first trimester --- she and my dad had been trying for 7 yrs and her crazy cycles, the multiple miscarriages and the full term stillborn kept her from believing anything wonderful would ever happen. But it did. I happened. --- but she didn't feel any different, she says she felt absolutely nothing that would indicate she was pregnant.

I know there is no real answer for me, no golden sign that is going to drop out of the sky and land in my lap to ease my uncertain feelings until this wait is over. But, I keep hoping and praying for an unambiguous sign --- something that just screams "you're pregnant and there's nothing else this could be." Problem is, there is no such thing, accept for a positive pregnancy test or beta, neither of which I can take yet because it's too early.

What if it's negative again? What if our perfect golden egg didn't mix with the stellar sperm and it's another failure? The heartache is always too much to bear, and yet, we've faced it over and over and over again.

I'm so afraid.

Guest Post for Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed

Hey all!

Just wanted to encourage you to head on over to Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed  today to read my story about living with PCOS as a "skinny cyster" and dispelling the "only women over 30 struggle with infertility" myth. I'm today's guest blogger and it's such an honor!

Thank you to Keiko for giving me this awesome opportunity to share my story during her Voices of PCOS week on her blog to bring awareness to the syndrome as September is PCOS awareness month. While you're there, check out the other Voices - we all have PCOS but the way we chose to treat it differs, as does the appearance of the syndrome in each of us.

Happy Thursday and thanks for reading!

Patience is not my best virtue

Ah yes, it is upon me. The dreaded, and I mean DREADED, two week wait. The time between IUI/ovulation and the appearance of the pink...or this time, hopefully, the +. You know the drill - you start paying extra close attention to your body, every twinge, every detail. Anything and everything can be a symptom, a sign. In short, you drive yourself mad. 1 dpo. 2 dpo. 3 dpo. Tick tock, tick tock. You want the wait to be over, but at the same time, you also realize that once the wait is over, you'll be either ecstatic, or crushed. Again.

My conundrum? I don't know what to think this time around. I know, deep down, that it doesn't do me any good to be negative. But experience has also shown, most unfortunately, that it hasn't done me any good to be positive, either. In the past, my attempts at optimism have always lead to heartbreak, disappointment, anger, guilt, and the overwhelming sense of failure. So what's a girl to do?

I don't want to spend the next 13 days operating under the assumption that it's not going to work. That it will be another failed round. Who wants to think that way? But, I've done my research and I know it takes most couples more than one attempt at IUI to reach success, as it only brings our chances up to a "normal" couple's shot of 25%. Contrary to that, in my heart, I know we gave it our all. I produced a lovely egg. Jason submitted a top-notch sperm sample. I received a trigger shot to pretty much guarantee ovulation. We did our business in the evening after IUI and the following morning, as instructed. I've been resting and taking my pre-natals, following the fertility diet, and staying hydrated. We've done all we can do. And yet...

...was it enough? Will it ever be enough? 13 more days...tick tock, tick tock...

Our golden egg, pt 2: super sperm

The IUI went really well today - we arrived at the clinic at 7:30am, dropped off Jason's sample for washing {which is a process that gets rid of any "dead weight" sperm and any extra "debris" that isn't needed, and leaves the best of the best for the IUI}, and headed back home to eat a quick breakfast before driving back to the clinic again at 8:30am.  The IUI itself was pretty painless. I had some twinges and slight cramping as he was inserting the catheter full of washed sperm, but all in all, smooth and easy. Next step: progesterone blood test on Friday to make sure I ovulated... The doctor said my cervical mucus {sorry, this is all probably a lot of TMI} looked great as well, so he really wasn't concerned, but it's important to make sure.

The doctor was really encouraged by how things looked today. In addition to our one golden egg and my plush uterine lining, he said Jason's sample was the best he's seen in a long time {super big pat on the back for the hubs!}: 102 million spm {sperm per milliliter - normal is anything over 15/20 million spm}, 96% motility and the sperm were already activated, which basically means they were ready to rock n' roll instead of reaching activation at a later stage. Awesome!! We just have to hope that those little guys find their way to their eggy friend, and when they do, that she's not too stubborn...ie impenetrable.

Now what? The dreaded 2ww. I can take a home pregnancy test in 16 days but no sooner due to the hcg shot, which would give me a false positive. Is it weird that I'm tempted just so I can see a + on the test for a change?? Nah, I couldn't do that - I definitely want the first + I see to be a legitimate one.

Please say a prayer or send a positive thought out in to the universe on our behalf! We appreciate all of the support!

Our golden egg

At long last, I have positive news to report: during my ultrasound this morning, we saw one golden, beautiful egg!! When he put the probe in, it appeared on the screen in all it's round, bulbous glory and the doc said, "Hey hey! There we go, good job letrozole!" Today is only CD13 and it's already measuring 21mm - woot!! It will continue to grow a bit today before ovulation, so by the time I actually ovulate, it will probably be a 22-23mm. In addition, my lining is nice and plush at an 8.  I got my trigger shot before we left so the IUI is scheduled for tomorrow morning!! :D

As they say, this isn't our first rodeo, so we're not naive enough to believe that this is IT but it sure feels nice to 1) have a viable egg that will for SURE release {thank you 1000mg of HCG}, 2) know that my uterine lining is ready for a potential implantation, and 3) know that my body responded to the higher dose of the Femara. For the first time in months, we have renewed hope and it feels so good. :)

So today, we take it easy. Check-in tomorrow is at 7:30am, hubby's "sample" in tow, and then it will take approximately an hour and a half to process his sperm. Then it's IUI time! And tomorrow, you can bet your bip I'll be relaxing, feet up, getting my ommm on.

**Side note - as we were checking out and paying at the front, I told our favorite front desk guy {note sarcasm} that I was coming back tomorrow morning, to which he replied, "Oh, are we even open tomorrow?" .... um, well, I just had an injection in my a** to release my stellar egg in less than 24hrs so yep, you're going to be open tomorrow. Does he even know what goes on in that office?? Yeesh. And yes, this is the same guy who told me I wouldn't be missing out on anything if my appointment was moved...oh yea, nothing much, just a freaking VIABLE EGG!!**

In addition to feeling encouraged, we also discovered that we like the doc we saw today. He's younger and seems more...us. We still plan on going to the consult at the clinic in Riverside in a few weeks, but if I feel good about our IUI tomorrow, we may stay another month and just switch doctors. We shall see... FINGERS CROSSED that this month is our month!!

Lastly, but certainly not least, Jason's brother and his wife welcomed their first child yesterday, a beautiful, healthy baby girl. Little Maggie is simply adorable and we're excited to have a niece. We will meet her in October. Surprisingly, I was actually ok yesterday - no tears, and I felt real, honest-to-goodness joy at the news of her birth. I cried when we found out they were expecting, as they got pregnant very easily after just one month of trying. It was hard, all of it. But yesterday, yesterday we celebrated the arrival of new life, of new beginnings. After the horrible few months my family has had, it's a very welcome ray of sunshine. I can't guarantee that I won't cry when I hold her or see her in Jason's arms, that I won't feel envious, but I know I will love her, because I already do. And someday, it will be our turn. Hopefully sooner rather than later.