Lately, more and more, I've found myself in the "down" category emotion-wise. I'm struggling with being 30 and not being a mom and the fact that the resolution to that situation is nowhere in sight; I'm struggling with some emotional issues I've put off dealing with for many years (but I'm proud to say that I am finally seeing a therapist for said issues); and...I'm lonely. I haven't written about my loneliness on this blog (or my other public blog, for that matter) but it's been a big problem ever since moving to Indiana. I miss home. I miss my family and my wonderful friends, even though they're spread out all over the country (and one even on the other side of the world) and I wouldn't see much of some of them no matter where I lived. But I miss the ease of those friendships, and the depth of them. I miss the familiarity and the reliability of them. Truth be told, I don't have any real friends here. Not one. I have a bunch of acquaintances (one or two that I've seen more of than the rest) but no one that I really hang out with, one-on-one, with any regularity. Yes, there are the occasional times when I've made plans to see a movie or share a meal with one of them, or do the occasional "girly thing" such as a shopping trip or getting our nails done. But they are very far and few between in occurrence (I'm talking usually months) and I just don't really click with any of them. We share very little in common. And we've lived here for going on 20 months now. That's a good chunk of time to be lonely. Of course I have Jason, but I also need a female friend or two. I was hoping that wherever I ended up working would yield me a friend my age but while my co-workers are nice people, the next youngest after me is 57. The four guys in Jason's program are great and all but one of them has either a girlfriend or a wife, but for whatever reason, friendships haven't developed and I normally just see them when we all hang out in a group. And, they're all graduating this year so they will all be gone come Summer.
Although I hesitate to say it's the true norm...normally, a woman who has been married as long as we have (coming up on 8 years in August) who is my age would have a child or two (or more) by now. Which means many of my peers are in a different stage of life, one I have wanted to badly to enter in to but instead, have found myself on the outside peering in, year after year after year. I don't have school social networks. I don't meet other parents at extra curricular activities or functions. I don't have "mommy & me" playgroups or play dates or birthday parties which might expose me and introduce me to other women my age. Because I don't have a child. Well, at least here on this Earth, I don't.
Moving to a whole new place so far from where we're from when you're our age can be a challenge. I tried not to dwell on that possibility or worry too much about it, usually telling myself as the time ticked on, "You've only been here {x number of months}, give yourself time. It'll happen." But it hasn't. Yes, I have Jason. Yes, we have a lot of fun together, and yes, I'm thankful that I'm not truly alone but he is gone a lot due to his various responsibilities and busy schedule so I spend many nights and weekends alone. Even when he's home, he has a lot of work to do and spends the hours in his office to work on his various assignments and projects. Again, this is all part of it. I am beyond proud of his accomplishments and how far he's come and how passionate he is about his career path and dreams, and quite frankly, he has very little "social time" himself, so I certainly don't begrudge him anything. Sadly, one of the negative bi-products of this situation is that I'm finding
I'm becoming more and more introverted. You'd think I'd jump at the chance to hang out with people when I/we can but the opposite is proving to be true: I am losing the desire to go out
and about, even when the opportunity does present itself. And that's
just not good.
Jason begins his job search this Fall, and I can honestly say I am looking forward to wherever we end up next. Indiana is beautiful. I have enjoyed the seasons (with the exception of the tornadoes!!) very much and have discovered positive things about myself and our relationship. We have had some grand adventures and met some very nice people but this place is not my home. I cannot see us being here longer than the time we really need to be for his program and once his program is over, I will be anxious for the next stop on our life map.
I am hopeful that I will find my niche in the next place. But we have 15 or 16 more months to go and that just sounds...rough. I take comfort in the fact that I know there are far worse things in the world than loneliness, and that this too shall pass and then we'll be on to the next stop and while it will once again be a fresh start very similar to this one, fresh starts are just that: fresh. A new beginning with potentially unlimited possibilities. And although it's a bit daunting to think about, it does fill me with a sense of hope and excitement because even though it could be just like what I've experienced here (or perhaps worse...), it could be so much better. And that's what I'm anxious for. That's what I'm trying to focus on.
It has occurred to me that this time is supposed to be this way, that this time we're spending here in Indiana is -- for me -- carved out as a time for me to just BE. Be with myself and get comfortable there. I ran across this quote from Elizabeth Gilbert's Eat, Pray, Love and it made me stop and think:
“When I get lonely these days, I think: So BE lonely, Liz. Learn your
way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your
life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another
person's body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled
yearnings.”
For me, that scratching post is being dependent upon someone else for my own happiness. Relying on others for joy, for feelings of worth, for self-confidence and enrichment. That's not fair, and it's not right. I alone am responsible for my own happiness. Yes, certain people will contribute on a regular basis but looking to important people in my life to contribute as opposed to relying on them and depending on them to make my world better are two very different things. So maybe that is how I will spend the next nearly year and a half: learning to just be with myself and deriving joy from within and from my surroundings -- no matter who is there to share it with me -- instead of dwelling on feeling lonely and connecting that loneliness to feelings of sadness and longing. It will be a challenge, but I'm up for it. I can't promise I won't still find myself lost in being lonely but approaching it from this angle seems healthier and more worth while in the long run.
