Enough is enough

After this current cycle, we are done with our infertility clinic and will be either going back to our previous clinic or finding another one close by to go to instead. I have had issues with them for the past few months and today's incident was the icing on the cake.

I blogged about my random bleeding in a prior post, but for those who didn't read it, I started bleeding on the last day of my meds. It felt like a full-blown period but I had no idea why it was happening and since it started on Saturday, I couldn't get a hold of anyone until Monday morning. Joy. I learned that apparently, when you skip from CD14 to CD3 {essentially skipping your real period, along with the last few weeks of your cycle} there is the rare possibility of bleeding...rare or not, it would have been nice to know before sending me on my way with an increased dose of my meds...

But I digress. 

So the phone rang this afternoon and when I saw the clinic's number, I thought, "Oh, they must be checking to see how the bleeding is going, how nice of them." But it's not a nurse, it's the front desk guy. And he proceeds to tell me that they need to reschedule my appointment for Friday because my doctor is going to be out of town. You know, the appointment in which I find out if I have any follicles growing. I tell him that I am on track for an IUI, and I don't really have much wiggle room in terms of time. He says, "Let me look at the schedule and see when we can fit you in." {long pause...} "Looks like the next time the doctor can see you is Sept. 12." Ummmm, WHAT?! That would be CD26, and I would definitely not be able to have my IUI. I politely tell him that that is not an option, that I would be missing out on my chances for an IUI, that my cycle would be nearing an end. To which he replied, "Well, I don't know what to tell you, the doctor isn't available until then, and it doesn't look like you're coming in for anything important anyway." I lost it. "Actually, I'm coming in for an ultrasound. And let me get this straight. You're telling me that I was told, by the doctor, that we were skipping from CD14 to CD3, and I would be taking an increased dosage of my medication, which I paid for and took, coming back in on CD13 to be checked for follicle growth, all in preparation for an IUI, and now it seems as though I won't be able to do an IUI because of a scheduling problem on your end? A nurse at your clinic ordered a trigger shot for me, which I paid for and you have in your office fridge, and the clinic isn't going to be able to see my cycle through? Two days before my appointment? Because the doctor is suddenly going to be out of town? That is utterly unacceptable and completely unprofessional. I want to talk to someone else about this. This is NO way to run an infertility clinic. I can't push pause and wait until the doctor is "available" to see me. That's not how it works. You don't put someone on medication and then half way through a cycle, tell them their appointment needs to be moved and there's nothing you can do about it." He then says, with a sigh, mind you, "Well, maybe I can put you on the schedule for Monday, but you'll be double booked with another patient, and the doctor doesn't like doing that." Am I supposed to feel guilty or something?? NO way. I replied, "That will be too late. Monday is CD16. I may have already ovulated by that point, and then my appointment would be worthless. I would be risking our chances, after all of my preparation." Ready for this? He says, "I don't think you'd be missing out on anything, but I'll go check with a nurse." Yea buddy, you go right ahead and effing check with a nurse. He returns and says, "Ok, we can see you on Friday morning an hour earlier, but you'll be seeing another doctor." Like I freaking care who I see?! That should have been their FIRST option! GRRRRRRR.

So, after this, I'm done, and we're writing a letter to the clinic detailing why we're leaving, and a copy will be sent to the administrator of the hospital. It may be "just a job" to them, but this is our life, and it would be awesome if they at least pretended that we were important. We pay out of pocket, so we're spending money we don't have to be treated like crap. Nope. Not anymore. I am just so frustrated with the whole thing, all of it. Our situation sucks enough as it is without dealing with their garbage. I know switching clinics is the right thing to do, but it would mean starting over. Again. More consults = more time and more money. We have 9 more months here before we move out of state, and really, only a few more months of money left to spend on this journey this time around. I am so upset, but what else can we do? I refuse to continue seeing a doctor at a clinic who doesn't give a damn.

**UPDATE**
We have an appointment for a consult at a new clinic in Riverside on Tuesday, Sept. 14. They are a low-cost IVF center and I am so far really impressed by their testimonials, their professional yet soft and charming website, and their pricing. They have risk-reducing refund plans as well as multi-IVF package plans should we decide to go that route before moving out of state. Hoping this place is THE one for us! Well actually, I'm hoping that tomorrow's ultrasound shows follicle growth and that our IUI is successful so we don't have to go to another clinic!! :)

Baby Fever

Remember when you first got married, or even before, but you were serious enough to start picturing what your children would look like with your steady somebody? Will they have my eyes? His smile? My laugh? His skin tone? My curly hair? His sense of humor? My love for reading? His love of music? And remember how it felt, to envision that magical "someday" of baby making? I've discovered I'm envious of those still blessed with experiencing and enjoying that feeling: the butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling of the actual possibility of starting a family, when two turns into three, then maybe four, then who knows? Maybe more.

On pinterest, so many of my friends have pin boards for future babies: nurseries, baby clothes, baby and kid birthday party ideas, baby food, kid's crafts, etc etc etc... Some of these friends are married, some are not, but you can just feel the excitement, the anticipation, the longing with these boards. Already, the baby fever has hit and I'm envious because I'd had baby fever since I was 19, once I knew for sure that Jason and I were in it for the long haul so, what, like 8 years? Then it heightened when we got engaged, then it went in to overdrive once we got married. And yet... For us, it remains a dream, but it sometimes seems unattainable, impossible. For those just starting out, anything's possible; it's all so new and fresh and, yes, even fun. Fun. Remember when dreaming about having a baby was fun? Not painful, not like dangling a carrot in front of a beaten down, starving horse. Fun. Joyous. A future full of potential.

Many of my friends will have babies when they're ready, without issue. Most of them won't know the pain we've been through these last few years, and I sincerely hope they do not. Unfortunately, it's statistically proven that a few of them will walk this path. I just wish I could feel that 'it' feeling again, before I was jaded, before I knew what real heartache was, before our dream was crushed month after month after month. That youthful optimism untouched by experience and chronic disappointment.

Maybe baby? Maybe someday, but then again, honestly, maybe not.

There will be blood...apparently

I'm bleeding. It's the last night of my 5mg of Femara on my fake cycle and I'm bleeding, cramps and all. It's mostly dark brownish blood, but some of it is brighter. If we were counting this as my real cycle, the one that ended on Tuesday, today would be CD18. Too early for a period. And if you count this as the fake cycle, the one that started on Tuesday, today is only CD7, waayy too early for a period. Either way you look at it, I really "shouldn't be" bleeding.

HUH?!?

I'm concerned and confused. Is this what they call breakthrough bleeding? Is my body just confused about skipping a period, making CD14 magically become CD3? Am I shedding the uterine lining that would have accompanied the real cycle? Of course, this happens on Saturday, when the clinic is not open unless by appointment. Of course.

So I took my last dose of the Femara tonight. I didn't know what else to do. I left a message with my clinic and maybe, by some miracle they'll get it tomorrow if they're in the office for appointments. Otherwise, I wait until Monday. It's not gushing, so that's a good thing, right?

I'm really afraid this cycle is just not meant to be. Has anyone heard of this happening?

New blog title

I don't like thinking of myself as infertile. Am I? Yes. But I don't have to see it in my blog title every time I log in. So it's time for a change.

I was dinking around on Pinterest the other day and I saw a tattoo that I really liked. It was a simple statement: with every heartbeat. For me, it has two meanings: With every heartbeat, I am thankful for this life, for every day I have been blessed with since surviving my open heart surgery. In addition, with every heartbeat I yearn for a child, for the promise of our dreams to one day become reality.

So {In}fertile Myrtle has been retired. A new title for a new way of thinking: IF does not define me. My blog address will remain the same, www.infertilemyrtleme.blogspot.com, it's too much trouble to change that, but I hope, With Every Heartbeat, that the next few months will bring positive change for us.

No growth = CD3

Yes, you read the title correctly. My eggs showed no growth {and in fact actually shrunk since my CD12 ultrasound...infuriating, let me tell you} so the Dr. suggested we don't wait for a period and pretend that today is CD3 instead of CD14 and take medication again today through "CD7". Since I didn't want this to be a lost month, I jumped on that option. The doctor said it's not common knowledge but there is actually more than 1 opportunity per month to grow eggs. "Normal" women don't need these other opportunities but women like me, PCOS women, do oftentimes benefit from these additional chances to grow eggs. He said it's like the ocean, like tides. A woman's hormones fluctuate up and down throughout the month and if you ride one of these fluctuations, it's possible to get results. He said he has had a lot of success with this method. He also increased my Femara dosage to 5mg {up from 3.75mg}. I had suspected that my body was no longer responsive to my current dosage and voiced my concern before we started this whole process 2 weeks ago, but the nurse said that since I had ovulated 3x on the med dosage I was on, it was best to stay on it. Looks like someone knows her body better than the professionals do...just sayin'.

I woke up and today was CD14. This same day has become CD3. Weird. I will take my 5mg of Femara tonight through CD7. I have an ultrasound on CD13, which is Friday, Sept. 2. I am a mix between angry, frustrated, defeated, and afraid. I'm angry at my body for being so stubborn, and frustrated that although I'm a healthy weight, I take my vitamins every day, I'm following my fertility diet, etc etc etc I still can't seem to get the basics to happen. Production of a viable egg is BASIC. I feel broken and defeated, and I am so fearful that my body will continue to be unresponsive to oral meds and the big guns will have to be called in. Please continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers. I don't want to give up: on myself; on our dream of becoming parents; on hope.

Please help us keep our hope alive.

Follicle check report

Well, the report isn't exactly negative but I was hoping for something a bit more solid. I have 3 eggs that are vying for viability, and lot more that are never going to get there. Two eggs are 12mm and one is 13mm. For CD12, that is a bit small, but the Dr. has hope that by Tuesday, they will reach {or be closer to} viable size, which for those of you who don't know, is 17-22mm. When I was tracking ovulation, I would typically get a +OPK on CD15, indicating that I was going to ovulate within the next 24 hours. Following that pattern, it means I have a few more days for these little eggies to grow before ovulation time. Since I am taking the HCG shot, ovulation is guaranteed but I was hoping for more than just one viable egg...and there is still a chance that none of the eggs will reach maturity, which would be a very disappointing turn for this cycle.

So back to the doctor I go for another ultrasound on Tuesday morning, CD14. If they haven't grown, this cycle is done. However, they should grow 2-3mm a day, so by Tuesday, we're hoping for the 13mm egg to be 17+mm and it would be super nice if the 12mm eggs were also near that size. The Dr. said that with PCOS patients, it's always best to have more than one egg release, because PCOS eggs aren't always the best quality. I asked if it's possible to ovulate and release an immature egg and he said with PCOS that is actually a major problem...and quite possibly what is happening to me each month. :( Now that I'm getting ultrasounds, it'll be easier to track if that's the issue, but then what?? IVF most likely. Again, he said that many women with PCOS go the IVF route because 1) their eggs are tougher to penetrate, 2) ovulation issues are prevalent, and 3) egg maturity/medication response issues. But, not to get ahead of myself, we have 4 IUI's to go before we reach the end of our rope.

So why do I already feel defeated??

IUI #1, round 2: follicle check tomorrow

This will actually be our 3rd IUI but the first with the new doctor and our last two were in 2009, which is why I'm saying this is round 2.

My follicle check is tomorrow morning at 8am. I am so nervous that my little eggs are not growing. The reason I am fearful of this possibility is because when I first took Femara {my current med} in 2009, the cycle started out promising with 5 potential egg contenders. But then, when I went in for my final check a few days before my IUI, the ultrasound showed that none of the 5 eggs had gotten any bigger and my IUI was cancelled. I didn't remember this little tidbit until going back and re-reading my blog entries from that time period --- since I found out I needed open heart surgery a few weeks after that, I think I kind of forgot the other non-essential details and it all blurred together. Anywho, I'm really nervous that it's going to be that way again. Granted, I have ovulated 5 out of the last 6 months, but maybe my eggs aren't mature enough when they release and that is why we're not getting pregnant. See, queen of the What If game.

We'll see what the ultrasound shows tomorrow. I've felt twinges in my ovaries and have been silently cheering on my little eggies to grow, baby, grow! I'm hopeful for at least 2 viable eggs - one would be ok, but more would give us better odds. Thanks in advance for your prayers and positive thoughts!

A non-infertility post for a change

Oh my, where to start.

Things in my family are very...complicated right now. There is just too much going on. Because lists are the easiest way for me to organize my thoughts, I'll start there:

1) My mom's boyfriend is potentially very ill. The word choice of "potentially" may seem odd, but let me explain. He was diagnosed with prostate cancer in July. That in and of itself is bad enough, but then yesterday, during an appointment to follow-up a CT scan he had last week, he was told that they found a small tumor on his pancreas. From the scan, they can't tell if it's cancerous or not, so he will need to have a transesophageal ultrasound done in a few weeks, as well as a biopsy, to determine if it's cancer or a benign tumor. The golden ray of light in this scenario is that the tumor is very small, we're talking millimeters, and if it is cancerous, the doctor said it's almost never found this early so that is on his side. But, if it is cancer, the surgery will be quite invasive and serious {total re-plumbing of his system...whatever that means} and the recovery will be long and hard. Obviously, my mom is gravely concerned and her boyfriend is quite frightened by all of this news. One day you're healthy, and the next...maybe not.

2) My grandma {mom's mom} isn't doing so well. Following my grandfather's death, she has really become quite obsessive, paranoid and selfish. The doctor put her on an anti-depressant and anti-anxiety med regime, which seemed to work at first, and now it's not. She started taking Abilify today to help the other medications work more effectively, so hopefully she will respond positively to the medication addition. My grandma lives an hour away from my mom so it's quite a stressor. My mom is looking in to retirement communities in the area, and the whole situation has really been challenging, especially because she is an only child {brother died when she was 18} and made even more difficult due to all of the other things going on in her life, ie working full time, coming to terms with her father's death, the downward health spiral of her boyfriend of over 6 years, and...

3) My mom's dog almost died over the weekend. My husband and I were in town visiting, so we all went up to see my grandma. Normally, my mom would leave the dog at home, but she thought Nikki would add some cheer to the visit and decided to bring her along. Good thing, because while we were at my grandma's, Nikki collapsed, and we noticed that her gums were nearly white. My mom and husband rushed her to the nearest emergency vet {which was 20 min away} while I held down the fort at grandma's, and spent the day there as Nikki underwent emergency surgery to remove her ruptured spleen, which was bleeding in to her abdomen. They found a baseball-sized tumor on her spleen that we didn't know was there, which had caused the rupture. If the dog had been at home alone, she would have died. Needless to say, it was a traumatic day and to add to the fun, my grandma was more concerned about the fact that my mom was spending the day at the vet with the dog instead of with her...bills to pay, pills to sort, food she had made that wasn't going to get eaten, etc. It's really very sad - my grandma has disappeared and this other woman has arrived in her place. Hopefully, with time and the right treatment, she will return to us. I worked at a retirement community for 4 years so I know this is very common in older adults, especially those who have lost their spouses of nearly 60 years, but it still hurts.

So that's what's going on with us right now. I am back at my mom's trying to help out where I can for the next few days. My IUI will be sometime next week, so I am taking my Femara and dealing with the headaches, although the stress in our family right now is probably more the cause of the headaches than the meds at this point, seeing that I've had a whopper of a headache for the last 3 days. Trying staying calm in this environment - every day it's something new. All of this drama has unfolded in the last 4 months. It's ridiculous - we feel like we're in the twilight zone. Add in my heart surgeries and our infertility and you've got yourself quite a fun few years. Yeesh.

If you're the praying type, please add my mom's boyfriend to your list, as well as my mom. I don't know how much more she can take. I worry endlessly about her and wish I didn't live 3 hours away, so I could do more to help. She is such a wonderful person - why do bad things happen to good people? I mull over this question quite often. Hopefully, this unfortunate series of events has had it's fun, and will leave us alone; I'd like to see it slink away, tail between it's legs, heading back from whence it came.

We can only hope.

On to the next one

CD 1 has arrived, as I knew it would. I got my tears out the night before last, as that first little trace of pink appeared on my underwear. After much thought, we have decided to move on to IUI. My CD 12 ultrasound is on Sunday, August 21st at 8am. That ultrasound will determine the day of our IUI, which is of course dependent on follicle growth. Our RE is also recommending we do a trigger shot of HCG with this cycle to guarantee ovulation. It's another expense but since we're going this route, I'd rather give it all we've got.

I'm nervous, but hopeful that this will be the answer to our prayers. I am not naive enough to believe that it will happen the first time, but I am hopeful it will. More than likely, it will take two or three times, as this only brings our chances up to "normal" odds of conception: 25%. Since we are a couple who apparently does not meet those odds on our own, even with meds, it's a good step. I can accept and have faith in those odds.

Our last IUI was in 2009. Our very first one, June of 2009, resulted in a chemical pregnancy. The second attempt was just flat out unsuccessful, so I am cautiously optimistic. One big factor that is on our side this time that we didn't have last time {although we didn't know it}: my heart is healthy. I just had a visit with my cardiologist at UCLA, where they reviewed my most recent echocardiogram, and my heart is a normal functioning heart {with the help of my pacemaker, but it's function is normal overall}. They said I would be labeled "high risk" because of my heart health history and my pacemaker, but that they didn't foresee any heart related pregnancy complications. WHEW! What a relief. :)

Does anyone know of couples who have had success with IUI? Particularly women with PCOS?

Come on!!

I'm frustrated today. Our current RE's office is just not pulling their weight - they can't keep things straight, I always have to chase them down to get an answer, and their lack of professionalism is beginning to make me doubt their ability to help us. I was told last Tuesday, after calling in to get the results of my progesterone level, that it was 11.7. I wasn't happy with that result, but it was ovulatory so I resolved to not complain all that much. I called their office on Friday to let them know that if this current cycle was not successful, we would be pursuing IUI - my ovulation level has fluctuated but for the past 3 cycles, it's occurred and on top of that, my cycle lengths have stabilized and normalized. I am happy with that outcome. I did, however, have a few questions about their IUI procedure. We've done 2 in the past, but with a different clinic, and I know each clinic's protocol can differ.

Q: What should I expect with this next cycle?

A: Call CD 1, and they would order my meds and an HCG trigger shot at my pharmacy of choice. {I told her which pharmacy to call it in to.} I would take my Femara CD3-7. I would have an ultrasound on CD 12 to see how my follicles were progressing and to help determine which day to trigger, and which day to do the IUI.

Q: Because my progesterone level has been steadily decreasing over the last 3 months, does the doctor think I should increase my dosage of Femara with the IUI? {I told her how much Femara I was currently taking, which is 3.75mg}

A: Nurse will leave a note in my chart for doctor to review re: dosage amount.

Ok, alright. I'll wait to hear back.

So today, I get a voicemail from their clinic. This nurse says that my progesterone was 11.1 {WHAT?? I was told it was 11.7 last week...are they reading the same lab results?? Having trouble telling a 1 from a 7??} She also proceeds to tell me that from my chart, it looks like we're interested in pursuing an IUI this round...ummmm yes. I talked to a nurse at length a few days ago about this....and that the doctor thinks that if I'm ovulating on 2.5mg of Femara {HELLO I'm on 3.75mg} then we should be fine to stay on that dosage. Also, could I please call back with the pharmacy information on where to order my pills and trigger shot? {Oh, right, the information that I gave the nurse on Friday not to mention it's the same pharmacy I've been using for the past SIX months....}

So I called back and had to leave a voicemail in return. That's the other thing - you NEVER get a real person, ever. It's always messages, messages, messages. I told them, in my message, that I was returning the nurses call; that yes, we are indeed on board for doing an IUI this month should this current cycle not take, and that I was actually on 3.75mg of Femara, not 2.5, and that given the fact that my progesterone level is falling each month, it concerns me that this next time might not be ovulatory, ie under 10. I also told her that I am having a history of spotting leading up to my period actually arriving and that I had heard/read that it could be an indication of a hormonal imbalance or something not quite right with my luteal phase.

Is it too much to ask for this clinic to keep my information straight? Are they going to put my husband's sperm in me or accidentally use someone elses? Do they really have my best interest at heart? I am so unbelievably frustrated. This whole process is hard enough without having to deal with stupid crap like this. With infertility, I feel like the devil is in the details and if they can't keep those straight....

Today is CD 31. Right now, the outcome of this current cycle is up in the air. I spotted a bit last night, had some cramping, and then woke up to nothing this morning. Then later, some light pink on the tissue when I peed. I remain convinced that there is something else going on here, something they are not seeing and that we are not treating.

I had a total nervous breakdown last night about what is going on with my grandma and arrived at the conclusion that I need to back away from that a bit. I am so overwhelmed by negatives right now that I feel very near to comatose. In short, I am not in a good place today.

Happiness is...

Friday, my husband and I celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary. I am eternally blessed to have found and married my very best friend. When we exchanged our wedding vows, we truly meant them. For better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer, we have been there. Are there. And we are still very much in love, more so now than ever. We've been married for 5, together for 12, and I couldn't imagine my life without him by my side. He is my happy.

~ Our ceremony, August 5, 2006 ~

We went out to dinner at a local Thai restaurant to celebrate anniversary #5. A few years ago, we started an anniversary tradition of discussing our goals for the coming year. We talked about his educational pursuits, where we think we'll be this time next year {ie what state we'll end up in after he finds out where he's going for his doctorate}and how our lives will be different, my hopes of finally beginning to write children's books, and of course, we talked about "it", the ever-present elephant in the room, our infertility. I asked him if he thought we'd have a bun in the oven and/or have a baby by our side next year at this time, and he said he really did. I replied, "you've been saying that for 3 years now," and he said, "True, but I keep staying it because I truly believe it's going to happen for us." See why I love him? Ever the optimist, even in the face of fear, the unknown, and many many months of defeat. He believes we'll be parents, even when I can't. He believes for the both of us, and when he does, it's hard not to feel some sense of hope creeping back in.

"I love you, not only for what you are, but what I am when I am with you." - Roy Croft

~ Lake Tahoe, July 31, 2011 ~

Weepy

It's been a rough day, for whatever reason. Actually, that's a lie. I know the reason and there are actually several good reasons why I'm weepy today.

1) My grandmother {mom's mom} is really struggling still. You may remember that my grandpa passed away in April and she has been up and down but is really super down right now. Bad. That's a whole post in and of itself but let's just say my grandmother has gone away and I really wish she'd come back...

2) My mom's boyfriend is ill. He was diagnosed with prostate cancer earlier last month. Fortunately, it's stage 1 and they are going to be treating it using radiation beads which treat the cancer from the inside. However, just yesterday, they discovered something is going on with his liver. Might be a bile duct blockage, might be cancer. They are doing lots of tests today and we'll know more sometime next week.

3) As you can imagine, my mom is also struggling. She is dealing with my grandmother's up's & down's, still processing her own grief over the loss of her dad, extremely concerned and scared about her boyfriend's well-being, and is working full time. I am beyond worried about her. Sick to my stomach about it, actually.

4) Our 5th wedding anniversary is tomorrow. That is most definitely a happy thing, but it's making me weepy. I spent part of the day looking over our lovely wedding photos and it made me happy but a bit sad, too. I know now that we were so innocent, so "new" in our adulthood. At 22, we had so much yet to endure and learn. In that 5 years, we have met a lot of challenges, and are still, 3 years and some months later, without a child. We have lost two of my grandparents. Seeing their smiling faces in those pictures and knowing I'll never see them again in this life makes my heart ache. My chest was so smooth and scar-free. While I certainly celebrate the love that we share, and the fact that we are more in love now than ever, it is difficult to be here, so in love, and yet without that ultimate expression of our love: a child.

5) Today is CD26. My cycle has been 30/31 days long, which means within the next 5 days, we will know if this month has been a bust or not. This time is always the "witching hour" for me. The make it or break it time of the month. And I feel...nothing. In my heart of hearts, I know this month was not successful and it hurts.

And so, I find myself letting the tears flow today. Maybe I need to. Maybe I need to just allow the emotions to bubble over and stream down my face. I am facing the grim reality that right now, so much of my life is outside of my control. I feel helpless much of the time. I want to just fix everything: my grandma, my mom, my mom's boyfriend, our infertility, and I can't. But I can pray, and I can remain hopeful that everything will be alright in the end, because if it's not alright, it's not the end.

Life is a journey. A roller-coaster. A long and winding road. Life. Is. Hard. If I could go back 5 years and tell my 22 year old self one thing, it would be that. Life is hard. Truly, but it's also such a blessing. And I need to focus on the blessings more and the challenges less. There will always be hardships. Some times there will be more hardships than not, but amidst the hardships, there are blessings. We may have to squint to see them, but they are there. So today, I weep. But tomorrow, I will focus on a very vibrant blessing: my marriage.

Disappointment & More What If's

Here's the thing - I did ovulate, but the progesterone level has decreased, again. It was 16 two months ago, last month it was 14 and this month, 11.7. I'm taking the same Femara dosage but it's effectiveness is seemingly waning. I worry that even though it was technically an ovulatory cycle, it won't be enough. I'm unclear as to the significance of the number. I suppose ovulation is ovulation, an egg was released, but if I didn't get pregnant with my progesterone at 16, what are the chances it'll happen at 11.7? I've googled this question and it all seems to be irrelevant. Some women have high numbers, some are lower, but it doesn't matter as long as the ovulation occurred and my body is prepped for a pregnancy, should it take place. I've also heard that if progesterone is low during a pregnancy, they can give you suppositories to help increase the level and keep it up.

I guess I'm just disappointed. I keep hoping for this glorious number as a sign that this month will be THE month but I never seem to get it. I'm not very hopeful for this cycle - I don't feel any different than I normally do and today is CD25 or 10/11DPO. How many women get implantation bleeding? I didn't have any. Should my boobs feel different? They don't. Should I feel bloated or not bloated? I do, but that's nothing new.

If this cycle doesn't take, we're on to IUI. In my heart, I always knew this is where we'd end up. We've done IUI two times before, and I just knew we'd be in that place again. I feel like our current doctor was too cocky about things, too sure of himself and not listening enough to us or taking in to account my past experience with infertility prior to my heart surgery. He even said he was sure it would happen for us within 5 months of trying, that we were young, blah blah blah. He was sure. I kid you not, he actually used that word. Well, this cycle is month 6 and there is no baby in sight.

I realize that this cycle isn't done yet, that it's not over 'til it's over, but it's just a feeling. I've been thinking quite a bit about what our previous doctor said to us in November of last year when we went in for our consult when we were ready to be back on this journey. He really felt like we would need IVF. At the time, we felt like he was pressuring us, that he just wanted money, and/or was tired of waiting around for us to "get serious", which is a big reason why we stopped seeing him and started seeing who we're currently seeing. But now, I'm beginning to wonder if he was right all along. His explanation of the situation was this: I have PCOS, but I don't have many of the other attributes that affect PCOS patients, namely wacky hormone levels and weight issues. Those are under control, so why wasn't I getting pregnant? I'm young, and Jason is extremely fertile. Even when I was ovulating with medication {as has been demonstrated again this time around}, and even when we were doing IUI we were unsuccessful. Why? I thought it may have to do with my heart, and I'm still convinced it has a bit to do with it, but his explanation was this: Because women with PCOS tend to have tough eggs. Not just challenging tough, tough tough, as in hard to penetrate. My ovaries have lots of little cysts on them. Some of them are follicles that, with medication, will mature and release, but they've been around awhile, they're not "fresh eggs" so they are tough. There is no guarantee that an egg that is released is one that is "good" and penetrable. Just because I'm ovulating doesn't mean I'm releasing a viable egg, and if it is viable, it doesn't mean it's one that sperm can break in to. Hence his recommendation for us to consider IVF.

This scares me. What if he was right? What if we go through all of this, the at-home cycles, the IUI's, and none of it works and we're left staring down the reality of the LAST STEP. Those terrible three letters that make all of us IF'ers shiver and quake in fear. IVF. We can't afford it. We'd have to save for years, and then that's more years of waiting, of watching others get what we so want but can't have, and my ovaries will continue to age, as will the eggs in them. I'm just so scared. I want to believe that it'll happen for us, that we'll get our take home baby in time, and I'm trying to trust that this is all in God's time and not ours. I want to trust that, I truly do. But I also know that some people, despite it all, don't get what they so desire. I just fervently hope that we're not one of those couples. Please.