Day 13 and counting

I finally have some good news! My ultrasound showed that I have one viable egg on my right ovary (currently 15.5 mm in size) and my uterine lining is 9cm, which is awesome since it should be between 8cm - 10cm. By cycle day 16 (which is when I usually ovulate) it will be 18.5 - 19mm in size. So...I'm producing viable eggs on my own and my body is getting ready for ovulation like it should be, without the aid of fertility drugs!! I am so excited and, although it might sound odd, I'm proud of myself! I know I had no control over what was happening so it's not like I held the reins or anything but I feel so good and so hopeful. I know that even when I ovulate, we'll only still have a 25% chance of conception just like everyone else but making eggs and ovulating on my own is such a huge step in the right direction. :)

Now, some of you may be thinking, "why is she getting so excited about creating eggs, it's what a woman's body does, we all do it," but here's the thing: my body WASN'T doing it. I went a whole year, from January 2008 - December 2008 with sporadic cycles, sometimes missing 2 cycles in a row. I don't even know if I was ovulating during that time, and the general consensus among the doctors is that I was not, since we didn't conceive that year and most people our age only take 3-6 months. So, you can see how this seemingly natural, normal thing is such a milestone for me.

I also found out that my residual cyst from the cycle before (the reason I'm not doing clomid this cycle) has disappeared as hoped. So that's another chunk of good news, too!

What's next? Well, today is cycle day 13 and I have to start my ovulation test sticks (pee on special sticks to test for ovulation) starting tomorrow. When I get a positive, it will mean that I am going to ovulate within the next 24 hours. If I don't get a positive over the weekend, I am to have another ultrasound Monday morning to see what the eggs is doing and then if it's still there, I will be given a trigger shot to release it.

Wish me (us) luck! And thank you for the prayers, God must have heard you and rewarded your kindness. :)

Say a little prayer for me

I have an ultrasound tomorrow morning at 8am to check and see if I'm producing eggs on my own during this "natural" cycle. Tomorrow will be day 13 and that's usually when I go in to track my egg size progress. This part is actually very interesting because usually, on day 13, I get to see how many eggs of potentially viable size are on each ovary (usually one or two) and how big they are. Last month, I had no eggs on the right and two on the left: one egg was 14mm and the other was 16. They grow approximately one millimeter a day until ovulation and I have been ovulating on day 16, so last cycle (by ovulation day) I had one that was 17mm and one that was 19mm, give or take. "Viable" is anywhere between 18 and 22mm. I also took a trigger shot last cycle which is 10,000cc of the hormone HCG which is the hormone that triggers ovulation...hence the name trigger shot. The only down side to taking the shot is that it's A LOT of hormone so it's hard to distinguish if you're feeling real pregnancy symptoms during the famous 2-week waiting period (the fun time when you're awaiting your cycle but are hoping to not get it), or just symptoms brought on by the overload of hormone...in my case, it was hormone overload.

Tomorrow's appointment has extra significance because I'll find out IF I'm producing eggs on my own, and IF they're of viable size. Up until this point they've only been tracking my egg production while on Clomid, which helps your body produce eggs of a viable size. Even with Clomid, I've been producing eggs that are on the small end of the "viable" size spectrum so I'm very curious (and a bit scared/anxious) to see what's happening in there. I have had some pains in my ovaries over the past few days which normally means I'm growing eggs and getting ready for ovulation, but who knows. At this point in the game, I feel like I'm looking for any twinge or oddity to tell me something when maybe there really isn't anything to tell. So I'm REALLY hoping tomorrow has some good news for me.

If I am growing eggs on my own this cycle, I will be doing the trigger shot again because with the shot, I can guarantee ovulation. In addition, I can figure out an approximate time frame in which ovulation will occur. After the shot, I will ovulate within 36 hours. For someone who has fertility issues, you can imagine how valuable the knowledge that an egg will be making it's journey down the tube is. It has a lot to do with peace of mind, although we did experience a bit of pressure last month. An egg is only good for 12 hours after it's released from the ovary. KNOWING it's happening and KNOWING you only have approximately 36 hours to do your "business" is incredibly stressful. This whole experience all on it's own is incredibly stressful so you can imagine how one more added stress (especially one that either makes or breaks your success for the cycle) can really add some weight.

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. Please hope that I'm making eggs and that this cycle will be the one for us. We're so tired of thinking about all of this, and are so looking forward to being parents...so much that it hurts. The fear is starting to creep in that this will be a lot longer, more strenuous of a journey that either one of us had ever anticipated. So please put in an extra good word for us when you say your goodnight's. We need all the prayers we can get.

Come away with me

Jason and I are planning a trip to get away from the stresses of every day life in June.  We found this great deal for the week of June 15.  We're flying in to Phoenix from SB (no driving down to LAX for us), renting a car and spending 6 days/5 nights at a 4-star resort in Scottsdale, AZ.  From there, we can pretty much drive to anywhere.  Everything worth seeing is about 1.5-3 hours away from Scottsdale.  We really want to see the Grand Canyon, spend some time in Sedona and just RELAX.  There are lots of museums, shops, restaurants and day hiking spots in Arizona so we're just planning on seeing what each day brings and go and do whatever sounds good that day.  This will be our gift to each other for our upcoming 3-year anniversary in August and in addition, this year also marks our 10th year together.  We started dating when we were 15, 10 years ago this September.  :)

We struggled with the date of our trip because the week of June 15 would be (if I follow the same cycle pattern) the week I would expect (or rather hope to skip) my period.  That is usually a hugely stressful/anxious time for me, but Jason had a really good point in that what better time to keep my mind occupied than during that time?  We'll be doing fun things, keeping me busy and if my period comes, of course we'll be sad and disappointed, but we'll also be in a fun place, together, celebrating our marriage.  So, we settled on mid-June.  And who knows, maybe we won't have to worry about being sad.  I have to keep trying to focus on the positive.  It's important, and is a key factor in the whole relaxation process.  Unfortunately, it's easier than it sounds, but practice makes perfect.

I'm really excited for this trip.  The hotel we're staying at is just beautiful and we upgraded to a garden-view room for a few extra dollars a night.  I think it'll be a nice way for us to reconnect and remind us that although we're trying to add a new addition to our family, that we have each other and we're a family.  We try to keep that at the forefront of our minds but with life's craziness, it will be nice to get away, together, no worries, no expectations, just us.  

So where are we?

Just so we're all on the same page going forward, here are a few stats:

*I have been diagnosed with mild PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome).  If you want to know more about PCOS, feel free to google it.  Basically, cysts on my ovaries are causing me to have ovulation trouble, thus causing me to be infertile.  I say "mild" because I don't have any of the physical attributes of the syndrome (other than missing cycles off and on last year), and the missing cycles, as of January of this year, have been brought under control.  My ovaries, depending on the angle, show a few cysts lined up along the perimeter of the ovary in a "string of pearls" like fashion, characteristic of the syndrome itself.  My blood work appears to be on the fence, showing mild elevation on certain hormones that usually are indicative of PCOS, so without doing surgery there is no real way to tell if I have PCOS or not.  Thus I say, mild.

*I take medication for said syndrome called Metformin (500mg) daily.  It's main purpose is to help stabilize my ovulation cycles.

*All of last year, I had inconsistent cycles.  My longest cycle was 85 days.  Yes, you read that right.  85 days.  So, I essentially missed 2 cycles, almost 3, before I was given Provera (progesterone) in December to force a cycle.  After this forced cycle, I had what is referred to as a spontaneous cycle in January, followed by another spontaneous cycle in February.  It was after this 2nd cycle that I began taking a fertility drug called clomid (50mg for 5 days) beginning on day 3 of the cycle...which just happened to be my 25th birthday.  yay.  For those of you who don't know, clomid helps a woman grow eggs to a viable size, viable meaning best suited for fertilization.  I have had two cycle on clomid without success. :(

*I had an HSG done in February which was a process that shot dye into my fallopian tubes and uterus to check for leaks, blockages and/or abnormal shape.  Thankfully, that test came up negative for abnormalities.

*Jason is good to go on his end. :)

*We were denied insurance coverage as soon as I was labeled "infertile" so from February on, this has all been out of pocket.  Just to give you an idea of the cost involved, in the first 2 months alone (beginning February 6th) we spent nearly $3,500.  Mind you, no actual procedures have taken place yet, just doctor's visits, ultrasounds, minor tests, blood work, medication, etc.  

*And lastly, I had an ultrasound this morning (day 4 of my cycle) to check for residual cysts still hanging out from last cycle that might be on my ovaries, and they found one.  They have to check each month before giving me clomid.  Basically, because they found a residual cyst, I am not allowed to take clomid this month and as a result will be having a "natural" cycle instead.  No fertility help.  They cannot give me clomid as this cyst is large enough that it could grow larger with the clomid and could potentially burst, obviously not a safe thing.  Not to worry, they said, residual cysts are common and why they do the checks in the first place.  It should disappear on it's own by my next cycle.  So, clomid month #3 will have to wait until June.    But who knows?  Maybe I won't need month #3.   At least I can hope.

So there you are, all caught up.  You can see why this takes up so much of my time, energy and thoughts.  It's an incredibly involved process, not to mention costly, and at times, can be literally mind-numbing.  I have never known so much about my monthly cycles, never thought there would ever be a reason to know so much and truly wish I didn't HAVE to know what I know, but alas, I need to know and thus, so shall you. :)

Mostly for me, but also for you

This new blog was primarily conceived (pardon the pun) of my need for a place to keep all of the crazy details involved with our infertility path straight and in one place.  I also needed a place to write down my emotions and reactions as time goes on, as I have found journal writing too cumbersome.  That is odd for me to say, since writing used to be so much a part of my life, but it's true that the digital age has taken over and tapping keys is easier than wielding a pen...my fingers don't get as tired running across the keyboard.  

I also wanted a place to keep our select group of family and friends up to date on what is happening with us, as it has become difficult to keep sharing the same information multiple times.  I forget who I've told, the details become jumbled or lost, and at times, the information is painful to share over and over again, ie my period arrived and we are not pregnant...again.  

I want to stress how grateful Jason and I feel to have such a wonderful support network, inclusive of both family and friends.  As we enter into our 16th month of infertility, it really is a blessing to have so many people rooting for us and saying prayers and sending good thoughts.  We couldn't get through it without you and your support means so much.  So thank you, and I hope this blog is useful for you, as I hope it is for me.  Please don't feel obligated to keep tabs on us all the time, as I know everyone has their own worries and things going on in their lives, but if you're curious to see how things are going, take a look at the blog.  

There is a mild disclaimer that comes with reading this blog.  Infertility is not pretty.  There are, have been and will continue to be aspects of it that are not fun to read about.  Just be thankful you're reading about them and not enduring them yourself.  If you have endured them, you can empathize and I empathize with you.  If you don't care to read about my monthly cycles, but still want to keep abreast of what's happening, just skim over the "uncomfortable" parts.  I'm not going to edit this blog for anyone to make it happier or less uncomfortable, and I'm not going to apologize for it.  

And here we go...