Last Friday, during my usual day 3 cycle ultrasound, they found I had a huge residual cyst on my right ovary (56mmx44mm) roughly the size of a golf ball or a bit bigger (small tennis ball) left over from my last cycle. Obviously not encouraging. So I was told to check back with them on Monday to make an appointment to see Dr. Surrey so he could check on it and talk with us about our options going forward. I had my appointment with him today and found out that the cyst is still there, hasn't gotten any smaller and actually seems to have grown a bit. Again, obviously not encouraging. The only good news is that is is clear and fluid filled so not cancerous. I have to wait until my next cycle (roughly 3 more weeks) to get blood work done and have another ultrasound to see if the cyst is gone or shrinking on it's own or not. If it's not gone, I will have to have it removed via laproscopic surgery. They cannot allow a cyst of that size to stay on my ovary. As it is, I won't ovulate this cycle (so it's hindering my fertility even more) and I can't exercise because there is a huge risk the cyst can burst, which would permanently damage my ovary and send me to the ER. Things just keep getting better.
Dr. Surrey said that although it's frustrating and scary, the cyst may be a blessing in disguise of sorts because if they do end up having to remove it laproscopically, it would enable them to take pictures of my reproductive tract and figure out definitively what is going on and why we are not conceiving, which would help them better determine which steps to take next on our fertility journey. I DO NOT enjoy the idea of surgery, I am terrified they will find something really horribly wrong with me, but I also feel like we're getting closer to figuring out what's really going on. And hopefully, the cyst will go away on it's own and it won't be a problem. I just really need things to look up. Something positive and good has to come from all of this...right?
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Monday, July 20, 2009
...
Negative. Another unsuccessful month. That makes 19 consecutive unsuccessful months. I hit a new low tonight. When I found out, sounds emitted from my mouth that I didn't know a human could make. I felt like someone had died. I sobbed and shook and and hyperventilated and felt like I was going to pass out and throw up for 45 minutes straight.
And then I stopped.
I am still beyond terrified of not being able to have our own children. But I was able to calm down enough to eat dinner and write this entry. I guess I have to start somewhere. A big bowl of ice cream may be in my very near future.
I talked with the doctor and we don't have all that many options left. We can do IUI two more times, and then after that, if neither of them have resulted in pregnancy, they recommend we move on to IVF, as there most likely is some unforeseen cause that is inhibiting our success. IVF is not a few hundred dollars, it's not even a few thousand, it's $12k - $15k PER TRY. Can we afford this? NO. Will we do this anyway? ABSOLUTELY. IVF has a success rate of a bit over 50% if the patient has viable eggs that result in a viable embryo once combined with viable sperm, so hopefully, that will happen if we need to do it.
But, we still have two IUI's to try before IVF. Unfortunately, both will have to be drug-free as I had an adverse reaction to clomid this month, which means I can't be on it anymore. The only other egg stimulant is injections and they don't do them for an IUI, only IVF. So let's hope that one of the next two IUI attempts works.
Please pray for us. This has been the hardest thing we've ever been through and I am terrified that biological children are not in our future. I believe I am a strong person, but my strength is really being tested. I am going to try these next few months to work on my optimism and try and find some hope, but any "good word" you can put in for us would be appreciated more than I can express. I need to be lifted up.
And then I stopped.
I am still beyond terrified of not being able to have our own children. But I was able to calm down enough to eat dinner and write this entry. I guess I have to start somewhere. A big bowl of ice cream may be in my very near future.
I talked with the doctor and we don't have all that many options left. We can do IUI two more times, and then after that, if neither of them have resulted in pregnancy, they recommend we move on to IVF, as there most likely is some unforeseen cause that is inhibiting our success. IVF is not a few hundred dollars, it's not even a few thousand, it's $12k - $15k PER TRY. Can we afford this? NO. Will we do this anyway? ABSOLUTELY. IVF has a success rate of a bit over 50% if the patient has viable eggs that result in a viable embryo once combined with viable sperm, so hopefully, that will happen if we need to do it.
But, we still have two IUI's to try before IVF. Unfortunately, both will have to be drug-free as I had an adverse reaction to clomid this month, which means I can't be on it anymore. The only other egg stimulant is injections and they don't do them for an IUI, only IVF. So let's hope that one of the next two IUI attempts works.
Please pray for us. This has been the hardest thing we've ever been through and I am terrified that biological children are not in our future. I believe I am a strong person, but my strength is really being tested. I am going to try these next few months to work on my optimism and try and find some hope, but any "good word" you can put in for us would be appreciated more than I can express. I need to be lifted up.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
3 out of 4
During my ultrasound this morning, I found out that 3 out of my 4 viable eggs seemed to have released with this last ovulation, which is good news! I decided after some deliberation to leave the 4th egg be and either it will go on it's own when it's ready or it won't...either way, 3 eggs for the sperm to hit is 3x better than just one. I could have had an HCG shot to make the last egg release and then we could have followed that with another IUI tomorrow but I'm too aware of the chances of conceiving multiples to risk that. From this point on, I have to let nature take it's course: it either will be our month, or it won't. It was a hard decision, because after all of this time and effort we want to do all we can to ensure success but at the same time we don't want to get ourselves in over our heads. Because I have a certain type of heart murmur, if I conceive more than two, I would have to selectively reduce...meaning abort some of the babies...for my own safety health wise. As you can imagine, having to do that after all we've been through would be beyond devastating. I don't want to have to go there. So, being cautious and not trying to hit every single egg is what I chose to do. Jason is in full agreeance with my decision, and who knows, the last egg could have released all by itself during the day today.
This whole thing continues to get more and more challenging as time goes on, with more decisions to make, and more appointments and information to keep straight. The next step is getting my blood drawn on Thursday to check my progesterone levels. If they are low, they might want to put me on a low dose of progesterone as an added support for the latter half of my cycle (the luteal phase) which is when conception would occur. I will keep taking estrogen to continue to keep my uterine lining plush. In other words, I will continue to be hormonal. Oh joy.
This whole thing continues to get more and more challenging as time goes on, with more decisions to make, and more appointments and information to keep straight. The next step is getting my blood drawn on Thursday to check my progesterone levels. If they are low, they might want to put me on a low dose of progesterone as an added support for the latter half of my cycle (the luteal phase) which is when conception would occur. I will keep taking estrogen to continue to keep my uterine lining plush. In other words, I will continue to be hormonal. Oh joy.
Monday, July 6, 2009
IUI, numero dos
I had my IUI today and it went smoothly. I am going in for an ultrasound tomorrow morning to make sure my eggs were released with ovulation, as I have a nagging feeling that they weren't so to ease my mind, we're spending $180. Peace of mind is expensive but when you're me, it's worth it. I got my positive ovulation kit early Sunday morning. It was day 14, which has never happened before. I've never been that on time, so, being me, I'm convinced it was some sort of mistake and I really haven't ovulated yet so today's IUI didn't do anything. Hence my appointment tomorrow. If the ultrasound shows that I did ovulate, good for me, we'll just have to hope the IUI worked. If it shows I didn't, I will have an HCG shot which will force ovulation, and then do another IUI on Wednesday. So there you have it, you're all caught up. Wish us luck!
Thursday, July 2, 2009
New Hope
I had my ultrasound this morning and found out that I have 4 (4!!!) viable eggs!! Normally, I only have 1 and one time I had 2 but that was the first time I was on clomid (in March) and it's thought that only 1 of the 2 made it to maturity. The fact that I have 4 potential eggs is incredible and makes us feel so hopeful...and a bit scared. There is, of course, the slight possibility that all 4 could fertilize but that possibility is so slight it's not even worth worrying about. There is a higher possibility that two could fertilize and implant, and an even bigger chance of one of them making it, so we're focusing on that. As I said in a previous post, with an IUI the doctors aim to have at least 2 viable eggs to help a patient's chances of conception, so I'm sitting pretty with 4. But, as I've learned and as I've been reminded, even with 4 viable eggs there is the chance that we still won't conceive. There are other variables that factor into the equation, such as my PCOS which carries a higher risk of miscarriage. Going in to these types of procedures, there are no guarantees, even when it looks promising.
Beginning tonight, I have to take an estrogen pill to help thicken my uterine lining, as it's a bit thinner than they'd like to see. Because they want to give me the best chance possible, they want the receiving area (my uterus) to be as ready as it can be, and that means a nice, plush lining for the egg to implant in to. There is the chance that my body would make the thicker lining on it's own, but they don't want to take that chance so they're helping it along. Clomid sometimes makes the uterine lining thin, so that is probably what happened this time.
As we once again find ourselves cloaked in cautious optimism, please keep us close to your hearts and in your thoughts and prayers.
Beginning tonight, I have to take an estrogen pill to help thicken my uterine lining, as it's a bit thinner than they'd like to see. Because they want to give me the best chance possible, they want the receiving area (my uterus) to be as ready as it can be, and that means a nice, plush lining for the egg to implant in to. There is the chance that my body would make the thicker lining on it's own, but they don't want to take that chance so they're helping it along. Clomid sometimes makes the uterine lining thin, so that is probably what happened this time.
As we once again find ourselves cloaked in cautious optimism, please keep us close to your hearts and in your thoughts and prayers.
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