And now, we hope, pray...and wait

All went well. J's sample was even better than the last few IUI's by 15 million! We have opted to not get my blood drawn on CD 21 to check my progesterone level. It was solid last time and the doctor really didn't think it would be necessary to check the level this time, as it really only checks for proof of ovulation and by that point, what does it matter? If for some odd reason the HCG shot didn't work, there's nothing that can be done to correct it at that point in my cycle. Also, it costs us over $100 to get same-day results and it's just not necessary. We'll just have to trust that I ovulated (which will be hard for me, but I suppose it'll be an exercise in faith) and then wait until I can test...or until my period arrives, whichever comes first.

I'm trying, really trying, to not think too much about this cycle, to not have expectations that far exceed reality and to just have confidence in my body, confidence in my doctor, and trust that whatever is meant to happen will indeed happen. But, it's so very hard. If this cycle fails, we are left with IVF, and that is something we never thought we'd have to face. Or rather, something we hoped we'd never have to face. It takes daily effort to remain optimistic and to not fall prey to my own negative thoughts and emotions about where we are. Much of the time, I am at peace but there are moments when the uncertainty of it all is overwhelming and I feel so alone, even with our wonderful support network, as so many of our friends have children and we still do not. I cannot fathom entering into 2013 without knowing when we'll become parents, or how. So, as brave as I try to be, I'm still scared, and still hurting. But, truthfully, I am so thankful to be so busy with other things as we prepare for our big move. It helps to have other things to focus my energy on, and to have something positive to prepare for. 

I thank you for your thoughts, for your prayers, for following along on our journey, and for commenting when you have the time. We truly appreciate your support, and I know I say that often, but it's true, so I keep saying it because I never want you to forget it. Thank you.

Will slow and steady win the race?

Yesterday's follicle check appointment went well. I have two dominant follicles on my right ovary, both of which were about 13.5/14mm in size on CD 12. They are a bit small but are not showing any signs of deflating (each follicle is pressurized and if they are viable follicles that will continue to grow in time, they should look like puffy balloons, which they do). But, they do need a few more days to reach their target size. In short, they are slow but steady growing eggs, which is just fine with us. He said we are lucky to have gotten 2 eggs with the Femara (and super lucky last time to have gotten potentially 3!) because oftentimes only one egg is dominant when taking that med, which was the case for months before we increased our dosage. Once they reach about 14mm, they will continue to grow at a rate of 2-3mm per day so by Monday night, they will be over 20mm each, which is great!

My uterine lining was 8.5 (last cycle was 5) which the doctor said was right on target, and again, it was trilaminar pattern (preferred) so the added estrogen did it's job! Thank God, because I actually had an adverse reaction to the particular estrogen brand I was put on. I broke out in a rash on Thursday afternoon (which I still have, but at least it no longer itches) and was told to stop taking it and take some benadryl. According to my clinic, it is rare for someone to develop a rash as a result of taking that hormone but it doesn't surprise me, as I'm very sensitive to medication of any kind. The rash looks like a bad heat rash and it's all over my neck, up to my chin and wraps all the way around to my ears. Very attractive, as you can imagine. My face has also broken out in small raised pimply-like bumps (particularly my forehead, but is also starting to appear in patches on my neck and jaw-line) which is VERY unusual for me...I've been very fortunate to be blessed with smooth, acne-free skin my entire life so it's unsettling to have such skin issues right now.

I take my HCG shot on Sunday evening and the IUI is scheduled for Tuesday morning. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers, as this will be our final attempt at IUI. If this one doesn't take, we will be taking a break until we can afford IVF. {Confession: I've been bad and have been googling the IVF procedure. The thought of undergoing IVF really unnerves me given my reaction to the addition of a low dose of estrogen...I shudder to think what will happen to me if I am taking shots of high levels of hormone for weeks at a time...}. I feel at peace with where we are on this journey, finally, but that doesn't mean I'm not wishing, hoping and praying that this is it for us, the month we've been waiting for. We've done all we can do, so we shall see how this cycle pans out. Maybe for us, 6 time's a charm. :)

Cashing in our final attempt at IUI

This is a long one, but I have a lot to say so bear with me and here we go:

Today is CD 6. I starting taking my Femara 7.5mg on Wednesday night, and this time, we're adding 2mg of estrogen 2x a day beginning CD 9 until the day of my HCG shot to combat the thin lining issue we had last month. I have an ultrasound Friday, April 20 to check follicle growth and find out when our IUI will be. And yes, it will be our last attempt.

After consulting our schedules and calendar, this month was the only time we could do it between now and moving to Indiana in August. We're going to Hawaii at the beginning of next month to visit family (remember that trip we had to cancel in October because of our miscarriage? Well, we re-booked it and we're finally going to meet our niece!) and Jason graduates at the end of May. Then, we're packing up our life and moving home at the end of June, staying with my mom for the month of July (making a trip out to Indiana at the beginning of the month to find a place to live) before hitting the road late July/early August towards our new home in the mid-west. WHEW! Still with me? So, April was it. It, it. 

I had a lengthy conversation with our doctor on Tuesday night. I asked all of my questions and got thorough, honest answers. Among other questions, the following were some of the answers I got: Yes, I can fly during the last few days of the 2WW. No, he can't say why this last cycle didn't work because there is no way of knowing, but the thinner lining could have played a role. Yes, this is often why IVF is recommended to women with PCOS because even with 3 eggs and near perfect circumstances, there's no way to know if any of those eggs were viable. And finally, the question I was dreading asking but knew I had to: the dreaded IVF question. I broached the subject by saying that my last doctor at the other clinic (who is extremely well known in the IF world, particularly in the field of IVF) had told us that it was his professional opinion that I would need IVF to conceive a healthy baby. This was nearly 2 years ago and I didn't want to hear it. On top of that, we couldn't afford it, and still can't. At the time, I thought, "I'm 26, there's no way that can be the truth. He's just trying to take the "easy" route and get us to pay more money." So I asked my current Dr. what his professional opinion was, considering all we've done and been through, and after all the time that has passed. He was quiet for a moment, and very carefully chose his words. He said he agreed with the last doctor's prognosis, and that if this next IUI didn't work {it would be our 6th}, it would be in our best interest to proceed to IVF. Like my last RE, he also added that there is no good reason why I'm not conceiving, that it's a bit of a mystery. Everything is lining up. Everything is happening as it should. With help, yes, but it's happening and yet, we've not been successful but for that one time. He added that because they're treating all of my PCOS symptoms, and it's still not working, I'm moving quite close to the "unexplained infertility" category, which is not a good category. Tougher to diagnose, tougher to treat, tougher to achieve success because they don't know why you're not conceiving and staying pregnant. It was hard to hear, but it didn't surprise me. Deep down, I knew what his answer would be. Nearly 3.5 years of treatment and nothing to show for it. I knew it was coming. I didn't cry, didn't get upset, just thanked him for his honesty. And I meant it. 

So here we are. And you know, I don't feel like I thought I would. I thought I would be consumed by anxiety, consumed by a desperation for success. But I'm not. I feel like it is what it is, and that's all that it is. We have one more chance. There's hope, but it's not that strong. Not anymore. And oddly enough, it's liberating somehow. Of course I'm hoping with all that I have that it works, that our prayers are answered, and our dreams realized but there's a sense of calm about it this time. This is it. And if it doesn't work, we'll take a break. I'm so tired. Tired enough to welcome that break should it come, and we have so much going on right now, much of which is overwhelming and exciting in it's own right, and I don't have time to devote all my energy towards this outcome. I just don't. Not with all the planning and packing and trying to get things in order to move so far away. Much of my thoughts are on that now. And maybe it's a good thing. Life goes on. Life goes forward. We'll start a new chapter in Indiana, and we'll resume our journey there should we need to, after we save up some money to do what needs to be done. I'm not giving up, just giving in to what is. If it's meant to be, then it will be. If it's not, I can't change it. I've tried for 3.5 years and it doesn't work that way. 

It's strange to find myself in this place and not feel the pressure of desperation pressing down on me. Maybe that will change in the coming weeks, but I hope it doesn't. I'm so exhausted from trying to control every aspect of this journey and I simply can't go on like that anymore. I have to live my life as best I can, in spite of disappointments and in spite of bitter trials. I am more than this, and I need to work on finding ME again, work on doing what makes me happy because this life is precious and I won't spend the rest of it being sad or angry all the time. Please keep us in your thoughts - your positive energy is felt, trust me.

Somehow, it has come down to this

Since beginning this journey in January 2008, I/he/we have endured:

-37 months of infertility treatments
-2 different kinds of ovulation inducing and egg growth stimulation medications
-1 hysteropingogram (dye test involving my tubes and uterus)
-1 open heart surgery
-1 pacemaker implant
-13 months of recovery and rehabilitation for said surgery and implant
-5 IUI's
-2 infertility clinics
-3 infertility doctors
-16 months of Metformin
-2 trips to the ER, one of which was IF related
-1 semen analysis
-5 sperm washes
-3 full blood panels
-a sad good-bye to well over $10,000
-countless blood tests
-countless intravaginal ultrasounds
-4 HCG shots
-8 wks of a pregnancy
-1 miscarriage

....and a freaking partridge in a pear tree. There is more. Lots more. I didn't count the times I cried myself to sleep. Or factor in how I don't feel like myself anymore, how many times I've looked in the mirror and not recognized the sad face staring back. The hours, days, weeks, months, and now years that we've spent yearning for a child. The times I've given up hanging out with friends because I don't feel well due to the side effects of the medications I take, or I'm too sad to even try to pretend that I'm not. The times I've had to tell family and friends that it didn't work, again, still. The boxes of ovulation kits, and pregnancy tests. The number of holidays we've spent childless. The prayers I've prayed; the wishes I've wished going through a tunnel, on stars, blowing out birthday candles; the goddamn pain we've both endured for far too long. This is our reality.

The list really could go on and on and on...but what's the point? It doesn't matter, not really, because our dream of parenthood has still not been realized. This post is not meant to make you feel sorry for me, for us. If you've been blessed with children, it's certainly not meant to make you feel guilty for what you have. I love children. I love my family and friend's children. But this is my space to process what we've gone through and what we continue to face. Some people on a journey like ours have lost more, suffered more, been on the road longer, but infertility isn't about who's had it worse. It's about community and finding comfort and solace in similar situations, and knowing that you're not alone when the going gets tough. So this is our infertility story, and I wish it were different. But it's not, and I can only hope that one day, it all makes sense.

***

And somehow, it's come down to this: one more try. My period arrived today. We leave for Indiana at the end of July and we leave our current city for our hometown in less than 3 months. At this point, we are on a tight time schedule. We haven't quite figured out when we'll cash in our last try at IUI. Maybe this month. Maybe next month. Maybe in June. Part of me wants to take a break for a month, but my cycles are so crazy one month could easily give way to two or, as the case has been at times, more. So, most likely, due to our timeline, it will be this month. I'll let you know when I know.

We're just so tired. Of all of this. We just want to be parents. I've asked it before, but looking at my list and how much time has gone by, how much we've had to put up with and how much of ourselves we've had to give up and how much has been lost, I can't help but ask it again: Is what we want, to be parents, to hold our baby in our arms, Is that really too much to ask?

Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."

I caved and tested today instead of tomorrow. Why? Because I saw a hint of pink on the toilet paper this afternoon and went ape-shit crazy. And it was what I feared it would be: negative.

The best word to describe how I am feeling is disconsolate. I don't know how much longer I can do this. Everything in me wants to scream and break things and just walk away from this hell without a backward glance. But I can't because I want a child so badly and walking away from this journey won't solve the problem. I feel absolutely foolish for allowing myself to actually believe that this might be it for us, the month we've been praying so hard for. After all, we had 3 eggs. 3 eggs and the IUI still failed. My eggs were released by an HCG shot, sperm was injected directly into my uterus, and it still didn't work. Everything is being done for me and I still can't make it happen. I failed. Again. I can't tell you how depressing that knowledge is. And yes, I know it is not my "fault." Jason gets frustrated with me when I blame it on myself, which makes me love him all the more. I know I didn't ask for this, or do anything to cause it. But the fact of the matter is, we're childless because of my PCOS. We've endured nearly 3 1/2 years of this nightmare because of my crappy ovaries and messed up hormones.

Up until yesterday evening, I thought for sure my period was coming. Then I started having horrible gas pains and cramping in my abdomen, which is highly unusual for me pre-period. A glimmer of hope shimmered into view. That coupled with the fact that my boobs were so very sore (which is also odd because my breast tenderness usually disappears before my period starts) and still are, got me to thinking that maybe, just maybe I was wrong. I so desperately wanted to be wrong. And then this morning, I had diarrhea. Not proud to admit that, but I did, and that is something that has never happened pre-period, ever. And then, the pink a few hours later, which led to the negative test. At this juncture, I just don't know what to think.

I suppose until my period actually arrives, there is still hope. But I just can't allow myself to hold on to it. I can't, because that would be opening myself up to more hurt and I hurt so badly right now that I don't have any room for more pain. So I guess I will be pleasantly shocked if that negative ends up being a positive in a few days. If my period is still not here through tonight and tomorrow, I will test again on Monday morning. We shall see what the coming days bring but I am not holding my breath.

If this cycle is truly a bust, we will try one more time. One more IUI. And if that fails, we will have to begin saving for IVF, a prospect that terrifies me and makes me so very sad. We can't afford it, so it would be a few years down the line for us, and I simply cannot fathom having to live child-free for a few more years. A few more years of child-less holidays; a few more years of watching the children of our family and friends grow up; a few more years of watching our friends and family achieve our dream of parenthood ahead of us while we continue to wait on the sidelines. The thought of that becoming our reality is...well, there just aren't words. I never thought we'd be 5 IUI's in and still without a baby in our arms.

Thank you for your support and love. I know that I would be an absolute wreck without it (which is frightening because I skirt that line sometimes a bit too closely as it is), and I thank you for reading and commenting because although this is a path that Jason and I must walk on our own in many respects, knowing that we have you all on our side does help. Having this space to write out my feelings and process my thoughts is therapeutic and as much as I fervently wish I didn't need it, I am so thankful for it at this time in my life.

"When the world says, "give up," Hope whispers, "try it one more time."

Wavering

It's happened. I've hit the day during the two week wait where I start looking for the period-like symptoms to make their appearance, so much so that I almost expect it. My faith is wavering. I've had some symptoms that are encouraging but I've also had some wavering symptoms that have me worried. I can't believe we still have 4 more days to wait.

You guys, I know it's premature but I'm so SO scared this is yet another failed cycle. I know we had 2 maybe 3 eggs. I know I ovulated. I know the sperm were awesome. I know my lining was a bit thinnish but trilaminar and thus, superior. I know all of this. I know I know I know. But even with all of this, I also know it may not work. I have PCOS. I am infertile. If this doesn't work, if we aren't pregnant, I will be heart broken. Again. Still.

Please say a prayer, send up some positive energy and keep us in your thoughts. If this cycle doesn't work, we only have ONE MORE IUI opportunity before they tell us we need to move on to IVF. We can't afford it. We would have to save for years. So please. Please please please put in a good word for us. And please, if you have a moment, leave me some encouragement here to help get me through these last few days of waiting. I feel my hope slipping away and I can't go there.