Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."

I caved and tested today instead of tomorrow. Why? Because I saw a hint of pink on the toilet paper this afternoon and went ape-shit crazy. And it was what I feared it would be: negative.

The best word to describe how I am feeling is disconsolate. I don't know how much longer I can do this. Everything in me wants to scream and break things and just walk away from this hell without a backward glance. But I can't because I want a child so badly and walking away from this journey won't solve the problem. I feel absolutely foolish for allowing myself to actually believe that this might be it for us, the month we've been praying so hard for. After all, we had 3 eggs. 3 eggs and the IUI still failed. My eggs were released by an HCG shot, sperm was injected directly into my uterus, and it still didn't work. Everything is being done for me and I still can't make it happen. I failed. Again. I can't tell you how depressing that knowledge is. And yes, I know it is not my "fault." Jason gets frustrated with me when I blame it on myself, which makes me love him all the more. I know I didn't ask for this, or do anything to cause it. But the fact of the matter is, we're childless because of my PCOS. We've endured nearly 3 1/2 years of this nightmare because of my crappy ovaries and messed up hormones.

Up until yesterday evening, I thought for sure my period was coming. Then I started having horrible gas pains and cramping in my abdomen, which is highly unusual for me pre-period. A glimmer of hope shimmered into view. That coupled with the fact that my boobs were so very sore (which is also odd because my breast tenderness usually disappears before my period starts) and still are, got me to thinking that maybe, just maybe I was wrong. I so desperately wanted to be wrong. And then this morning, I had diarrhea. Not proud to admit that, but I did, and that is something that has never happened pre-period, ever. And then, the pink a few hours later, which led to the negative test. At this juncture, I just don't know what to think.

I suppose until my period actually arrives, there is still hope. But I just can't allow myself to hold on to it. I can't, because that would be opening myself up to more hurt and I hurt so badly right now that I don't have any room for more pain. So I guess I will be pleasantly shocked if that negative ends up being a positive in a few days. If my period is still not here through tonight and tomorrow, I will test again on Monday morning. We shall see what the coming days bring but I am not holding my breath.

If this cycle is truly a bust, we will try one more time. One more IUI. And if that fails, we will have to begin saving for IVF, a prospect that terrifies me and makes me so very sad. We can't afford it, so it would be a few years down the line for us, and I simply cannot fathom having to live child-free for a few more years. A few more years of child-less holidays; a few more years of watching the children of our family and friends grow up; a few more years of watching our friends and family achieve our dream of parenthood ahead of us while we continue to wait on the sidelines. The thought of that becoming our reality is...well, there just aren't words. I never thought we'd be 5 IUI's in and still without a baby in our arms.

Thank you for your support and love. I know that I would be an absolute wreck without it (which is frightening because I skirt that line sometimes a bit too closely as it is), and I thank you for reading and commenting because although this is a path that Jason and I must walk on our own in many respects, knowing that we have you all on our side does help. Having this space to write out my feelings and process my thoughts is therapeutic and as much as I fervently wish I didn't need it, I am so thankful for it at this time in my life.

"When the world says, "give up," Hope whispers, "try it one more time."