One step closer!

Today has been a fabulous day. For starters, my husband was accepted into a doctoral program at the 2nd best school of music in the country!!!! Amazing, wonderful, thrilling news. Which also means we need to move cross country by August...but we'll think about that later. I couldn't be prouder of him, he is so talented and I know I'm biased but whatever, I don't care. :)

Secondly, I ovulated!! They like to see levels above 10 and mine was 16 so go me! haha What we know: I produced 2, possibly 3, lovely eggs this cycle, and these 2 possibly 3 eggs were released. My lining was a tad thin but trilaminar so that was in my favor. Jason had a fab sample so now, we pray that sperm met egg (or eggs...) and are nestling safely and happily in my uterus. If so, grow, baby, grow!! We shall see in 8 more days.

One step closer....

Nearly half way

Good Lord, this whole waiting thing is awful!! Every twinge, every little this, every little that (or lack thereof) is sheer torture. I just want to know already!!

I go in for my progesterone lab work tomorrow morning, from which they'll be able to determine whether or not I ovulated. I cannot fathom how disappointed I would be if the results didn't show signs of O...I don't even want to go there, because then it would be like we never even had a shot this cycle and I can't believe that. I won't believe that. Only positive thoughts.

Today is 6 dpo (or, 6 dpiui). 9 more days to go! Please keep praying/sending out those good vibes!

Third times a charm, right?

We had our third IUI this morning (well, if we're being literal, it was our 5th but third with the new doctor), and everything went really well!

The doctor we like (Dr. N) did the procedure. Dr. Sunshine (aka, the Dr. I don't like) did our ultrasound on Wednesday so we hadn't seen Dr. N until this morning. He said he was pleased with my follicle size and the number of follicles, reiterating that the 3rd "bonus egg" may or may not make it to maturity in time for ovulation. Jason's "deposit" was stellar once again: 44 million per milliliter after it was washed and spun (meaning that the 44 million was the remaining Michael Phelps of the bunch) and activated once again (ie ready to hit their mark). To give you some perspective on that number, Dr. N said that they like to see anything above 5 million per milliliter post wash, so we're good on that front. :) My cervical mucus (sorry, TMI, but hey, it's my life so you all get to hear about it!) was "beautiful" (yea, weird, I know) which is great because it creates a nice environment for the sperm to hang out in until their "targets" make their grand entrance. The only thing that I don't feel great about (so of course, I'm focusing way too much on it) is my uterine lining. On Wednesday, it was only 5mm. They like to see it closer to 8 or higher. The thought is that the higher medication dosage caused the thinner lining. It can happen, but since my lining has always been nice and thick, they didn't know it would happen to me. Well, now we know but it's unfortunately too late to do anything about it. BUT! He did stress that they're not too concerned about it because my lining, while being borderline thin, is a nice trilaminar pattern (more oftentimes referred to as "triple stripe.") Apparently, uterine lining that is trilaminar is preferable to non-triple stripe lining, in that it shows that the surface of the endometrium is more favorable to embryo implantation. It would be more of a concern if my lining was the same and not triple striped, or even thicker and not triple striped. So, in short, triple striped is good! He also said that my lining will continue to thicken until ovulation (which they think will happen sometime today) and the shot of HCG that I received yesterday also gives the uterine lining an extra boost, so it would be safe to assume  that my lining is thicker now than it was two days ago.  If (if!) we don't conceive this time, he said he'd like to do the same medication dosage again, but he would give me estrogen CD 8 -12 to give extra support to uterine lining growth. I wish we had known this was going to happen going in to this cycle, but unfortunately, infertility treatments tend to be a lot of trial and error, and learning as we go.

So, there you have it! I go in for a blood test on Friday, March 30 to check my progesterone levels for signs of ovulation, and then if my period doesn't arrive, I can test for pregnancy on Easter Sunday. Please, keep us in your thoughts and prayers. I'm going to try super hard to be nothing but optimistic, and focus on all the positives we have with this cycle. It's far too easy to fall in to the "but everything wasn't 100% perfect, so it's going to fail" mentality. As my cousin pointed out, I'm under a microscope and knowing so much about my cycles just makes it more difficult to not focus on the percentages, odds, and numbers. Most couples don't know anything about their reproductive inner-workings: they just do their thing and after a time, they get pregnant. So I need to try and put the terminology and statistcs out of my mind, and focus now on the possibilities.

It's true, nothing's guaranteed. We may not get pregnant this cycle. But we could. We really, truly could. How's that for odds? :)

Seeing...triple??

I had my pre-IUI follicle check today and it went so great! The higher dosage did its job and I have not one, not two, but potentially THREE mature follicles!! I was blown away. I was hopeful for two but the third was really an unexpected surprise. Now, there's a chance that the third won't reach maturity. Today is CD 12 and the two on my left ovary were both 17mm this morning and will be 20+ by time of ovulation. The bonus egg on my right is 14mm, but he said there's a 50/50 chance it'll reach maturity in time. Eggs grow 1-2mm per day and the doctor suspected I would ovulate sometime Friday evening. I get my HCG trigger shot tomorrow morning at 7am and our IUI will be Friday morning.

We are thrilled that the meds actually did their job, and can't help but revel in the hope that this will be our month. It's not guaranteed. It never is. Even with two (or three) eggs, we might come to the end of the 2WW with nothing to show for it but pink on the toilet paper. But! What if we get a beautiful, positive pregnancy test? A beautiful, positive pregnancy test that leads us to our beautiful miracle? The possibility is there. And it is glorious. :)

Dawn of a new day

Ok. So I grieved on Saturday. I was angry, frustrated, sad, and disappointed. But then the weirdest thing happened on Sunday - I was overcome by a feeling of quiet calm and peace. After some reflection, I realized something very important: I was not in a good place throughout the duration of my last cycle. From day one I was skeptical, anxious, pessimistic, and scared. It got worse when we had our ultrasound to see how many eggs we'd have for our IUI (you remember, the one "lousy" egg). I wasn't in a good emotional place or mental state, at all, borderline obsessive. You can't just throw out negative energy that intensely and expect something good to happen. It's hard because I've been crazy optimistic before and that hasn't gotten me anywhere either. But honestly, it has to be healthier to heir on the side of optimism as opposed to it's arch nemesis, the glass half empty approach.

What does my new outlook include, you ask? Following my fertility diet (ever since our miscarriage, I've kind of loosened up on that one so it's time to rein it in), exercising a few times a week, and trying, really trying, to be optimistic and calm. That's the hardest for me. I'm so jaded, but it's not going to do me any good to focus on the bad when I could be focusing {and dreaming!} about the good. Why not try to remain hopeful for what very well could be our best cycle yet, instead of obsessing about what might go wrong?

So far, I've impressed myself. I've kept to my diet, exercised 2x this week, and have remained focused and optimistic about this cycle. For whatever reason, I just feel GOOD. First thing Monday morning, I contacted my clinic and got the OK from my doctor to try 7.5mg of Femara this cycle (which is the highest dosage I can be on). Today is CD 6, day 4 of the Femara, and it's been ok. The only real difference I'm noticing, at least thus far, is that I'm having night sweats. Not fun. It's a listed side effect but one I hadn't experienced until now. Our follicle check ultrasound is next Wednesday morning at 8am. I'm hoping and praying for more than one mature follicle OR a super awesome lone egg. Either would be great. Our IUI will either be next Friday or Saturday.

I don't have rose colored glasses on. I'm not popping happy pills. I'm still sad, angry, disappointed, and frustrated about where we are so long after beginning this journey. But I'm actively trying to keep those emotions in check, and only allow them out for restricted lengths of time when appropriate. It's good to grieve, normal and natural to feel what I feel, to let it out when I need to, but then it's time to put that grief in it's place, stand up tall, and forge ahead. I know we won't get anywhere unless we keep going, keep trying. I don't want to let that bitter woman I can sometimes be take over and be me all of the time. I'm so much more than that person. I have so much more to offer the world than what I can or cannot grow in my womb. I won't let infertility beat me. I've been through a whole lotta hell and I'm stronger than it is, I know I am. The 7 inch scar down the center of my chest if proof. I just have to remember that I am, and trust that I am, and believe that I am, and one day, I'll be the victor, not the victim. Maybe that someday is rapidly approaching.

I believe it is.

Testing won't be necessary

The pink has appeared on the toilet paper, as I knew it would. Sometimes I guess a woman just knows.

50/50

I've reached the point in the 2ww where I feel like it could truly go either way, which I guess is an improvement from the other night when I was feeling only doom and gloom. Why the change of heart? My boobs ache super bad and look/feel fuller. I had pretty frequent heart palpitations last night, which I normally have around ovulation time when my hormones spike but not normally around when my period is due. And lastly, I was burning up last night, radiating heat like I was those few days before we found out we were expecting last September. It's definitely encouraging, but the flip side to the optimism is that I still have some dull cramps and generally just feel like my period is on it's way: leg aches, back aches, bloating, dull cramping in my ovaries and lower abdomen. I also feel "drippy", like I need to keep checking to make sure I haven't started. So, today and tomorrow should be interesting days...

Please keeping thinking positive thoughts and pray that Sunday brings us joyous news. We so appreciate the support!!!

Struggling

I'm not doing well tonight. I broke down in a fit of tears and hid in the closet until Jason discovered me.  My emotions may have erupted tonight, but the truth is, I've been fighting them for days. The trigger? I felt something tonight that usually means my period is on it's way. I hope I'm wrong, but I've had my period for 15 years now and I've gotten quite used to it's hints and clues...even more so over the last few years in my obsessive TTC state. I stopped dead in my tracks when I felt it, and knew. I honestly think this cycle is a bust.

I just want to be normal and get pregnant in the traditional fashion. No pills, no doctors, no procedures. Just me and Jason. Just love. Is that too much to ask?? We've now been actively trying for a baby for over 3 years now, that's 36 long, painful months, and been dreaming about it for over 4. I can't begin to tell you how hopeless and jaded I've become. With each successive failure, the ability to envision our baby has diminished to almost non-existent. I can't envision having a baby anymore. I can't fathom it. I can't imagine what giving birth will be like, what having a big, beautiful, bulging belly will be like. I can't see our baby, and I've come to believe that it's because we're never going to have one of our own. I realize there's no way that I can possibly know the true outcome of our journey, but I'm quite intuitive and I fear I know the truth. All the so-called symptoms I feel can be explained away by other things. In short, my mind is creating a path to the outcome I crave. The only problem is that it's not real.

I can't imagine what it must be like to just decide to have a baby, and to have it happen. There's a woman at work who started working out prior to getting pregnant to get her body in the best shape possible because "they knew they were going to do this." She's due in 2 weeks. She and her husband decided it was time, they got ready, and they're going to be parents in 2 weeks. I've had to stare at her ever-growing belly for the last 3 months, and will sit through her office baby shower on Friday, to which I donated money for an office gift. I will smile through my pain, as I've become all too accustomed to doing.

I don't think I'm pregnant this time. I just don't. Last time, I felt different. I felt like there was something happening inside of me. I felt pregnant. Going in to testing, I was cautious but excited and actually felt a rare confidence. This time, I don't feel anything. Please pray that I'm wrong. I need to be wrong.

One more week

We're just 7 days shy of finding out if this IUI cycle was a success or not. I'm nervous. Very nervous. Nothing I feel is pointing us solidly in either direction at this juncture, which is 9DPO (days past ovulation). I keep trying to remember what the days felt like leading up to our positive pregnancy test last September but I can't remember and I didn't keep track because I didn't want to torture myself with details. I'm so afraid it's going to be negative, but I'm also afraid it's going to be positive and that it won't last. But I'm more afraid that it will be negative.

For those of you who have had more than one pregnancy, did you feel the same or different leading up to finding out you were pregnant each time? I'm wondering if the next time I'm pregnant if the symptoms will reflect our last experience or if I should not expect to feel the same way... ie if I felt hot in the days leading up to my BFP in September, should I expect to feel hot again the next time? And if I don't, should I take that to mean I'm not pregnant?? Or is each pregnancy unique unto itself? I also had implantation bleeding super late last time (like 4 days before I tested)...should I be on the look out for that again?? I've asked a few women in my family but they can't remember their early symptoms, so if you do remember, can you please share? I'd really appreciate your input. I'm a nervous wreck. 

This is going to be the loooongest week.