We're getting closer...

Today is day 11 of my cycle, and I had an ultrasound this morning to check on the progress of my follicles. I have one dominant follicle on my right ovary that is 12mm as of today, and smaller ones around 11-9mm, and then another 12mm and a 10mm on my left ovary. In the past, I have ovulated on day 16 or 17 of my cycle, so we're hoping for the same this time so my follicles have a chance to continue to grow. Again, a mature follicle is considered anywhere from 18-22mm, although the nurse I spoke to today said she has seen pregnancies result from 16mm follicles so it just depends on the overall environment and situation. The lining of my uterus was a bit too thin on Wednesday when I had my 2nd ultrasound this cycle, and they were thinking about putting me on estrogen to thicken it, but after today's ultrasound, they decided against it as my lining had thickened by 2cm in 2 days, so they're not concerned about that any more. By next week, they're confident the lining will be thick enough on it's own...which is positive because you can't have pregnancy result without a lining for the fertilized egg to burrow in to. So we're hoping for a nice, plush lining. My next ultrasound is scheduled for 8am Tuesday, June 2nd. That will be cycle day 15, so we'll be VERY close to the procedure day by that point. Please keep us in your thoughts...prayers, happy thoughts, warm fuzzies are all welcome!!

Help me help you

Today is day three of my cycle. I had an ultrasound today to see how my uterus is looking, to check for any residual cysts and to get my blood work done before starting up clomid again. Everything checked out ok so I am starting clomid tonight with dinner. Watch out, here come the hormone induced headaches and mood swings.

We made a BIG decision today. We have decided, after talking with the Dr. and with the ultrasound tech, that we would like to try IUI this cycle. IUI stands for Intrauterine Insemination. A big PLUS is that it by-passes a lot of the little, important steps needed to get from point A to B, steps that ultimately determine if conception is going to take place or not. The thought now is that I have what is known as a "hostile environment" and the sperm are not surviving long enough to get to the egg. So, the IUI will place the sperm directly in the path of the egg during ovulation so as to bombard the egg on it's way down the fallopian tube. The sperm doesn't have to do any work to get there. They take the sperm sample, spin/wash it in a lab and save the best swimmers for the insemination. Jason's sperm count is above average and the motility of his "swimmers" is 85% which is also above average so we are set in that department...it's just getting the sperm to the egg, and that's where the IUI will help us out.

Before settling on this decision definitively, I wanted to find out how expensive the procedure would be, because I had heard it was pricey. I was wrong and I am soooo very glad. The entire procedure, including insemination, sperm wash, and ultrasounds leading up to the procedure comes to around $1000. I had heard it was 5x as expensive so I was very pleased and very relieved. Of course, there is no guarantee that this will work and it may take more than one time, but it's another step in the right direction for us and it has renewed and restored my hope. I feel encouraged again.

This whole experience has been such a rollercoaster. I am trying to work myself up to being cautiously optimistic because I don't want to put all of my eggs in one basket, so to speak and no pun intended. It will be more devastating if it doesn't work this time because of the extra expense but also because we're now putting our faith in science and hoping that the newer technology can make our dreams come true. If it doesn't work out, we're out $1000 and still without a baby.

This was a big decision for me. Jason was keen on the idea sooner than me, because I think it's become increasingly difficult for him to watch me go through these cycles and how crushed I am with each failed attempt. I had wanted to avoid these procedures as long as possible because I was afraid of feeling like a science project or lab rat. I had wanted to conceive our baby "naturally" with love and not with money and technology but I've started to really turn my thought process around. How lucky are we that we live in an age where this is actually possible? When my parents were struggling to have me, it took them 7 long years because they didn't have the same options as we do. And, this baby will be so very loved and it won't matter how it was conceived. What will matter is how much we love our child and how much we love each other. Our faith in our relationship and our faith that this will all work out one way or another is what matters. How we get there is irrelevent.

So, with a little help from above, a little push from technology and some spending green, mixed in with lots of prayers and positive thoughts and energy, we hope to make this current cycle THE cycle. The saying, "It takes a village to raise a child," can be changed to fit our circumstance. For us, "it takes a village to MAKE a child." Thank you for being a part of our village.

Let's do the time warp again

As you can probably guess, since I haven’t written a joyful post the second we had good news, we were not successful in conceiving this month. However, the silver lining is the fact that this cycle was clomid free and I did it all on my own. Start to finish, a complete cycle without fertility help. And so, here we are, back at the beginning again. I won’t lie to you. It’s been difficult. I shut myself up in a quiet room, sat on the floor against the door and balled my eyes out while Jason was out on a walk with the dog. I needed that time to myself and although I think it did me good, it was a painful cry. To say that I’m sad would be an understatement. It has moved beyond sad. Sad is not an appropriate descriptor to use anymore. I feel more like a kind of emptiness is setting in. Each time we go through this, a small piece of me is scooped out. I hope it all grows back when our prayers are answered and we become parents, but I’m beginning to believe that this whole experience, like anything else life changing, becomes a part of who you are and therefore, I’ll probably always have a scar. I just hope I feel more like a survivor rather than a victim, as I do now.

I asked Jason if he thought we were being punished for something. Is it because we don’t attend church anymore? Was it because we went “against God” and used birth control? Did I do something bad in another life, and this is how I’m being made to pay my dues? His answer was “no, it doesn’t work that way,” and I know he’s probably right but it’s hard to keep those thoughts out of my head sometimes. We’re good people. We’re happily married with good jobs and health insurance. People like us, and we pay our taxes. Why is this happening to us? No one would make you go through this if it wasn’t meant to be a punishment. It’s certainly not enjoyable, so what’s the alternative? The Christian in me knows that I’m supposed to be learning something from this whole experience. And Lord knows I’ve heard the old adage, “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle.” And you can’t leave out, “That which doesn’t kill you, only makes you stronger.” But like Kanye West so eloquently said in his hit song, Stronger, “I need you to hurry up now, ‘cause I can’t wait much longer.”

Can't seem to hold a charge

It's happened. I've somehow begun to liken myself to electronic equipment. I was thinking about things while doing laundry tonight and it dawned on me that I'm like our Mac lap top. It needs a new battery so it doesn't hold a charge, even when it's plugged in. Kind of like me. Even with help, even on clomid, even when using ovulation prediction kits with my returned regular cycles, even when there are professionals telling us when and when not to do our business, I can't get pregnant. Jason's guys can't do their job because for some reason, they're not meeting up with an egg, and even if they do meet, they're not happy together. In short, I can't hold a charge.

I know my 2 week wait for this cycle isn't over yet so I don't yet have cause to feel defeated, but I can't help it. 16 "nope, you're not pregnant yet" cycles have done this to me. I hope and pray that this month, I can hold my charge. Please, oh please let me be pregnant.

I'm going to be Brady's Godmother!!

Brayden Kenneth Metzger was born on March 2nd, 2009. He is cuter than cute and he is going to be my GODSON! I am so very thrilled!! I can't honestly remember when I have felt this happy, jubilant, honored, bursting. With everything going on with my infertility, it's been hard to find a sunny spot in life but this, this is it. To the right is the picture my cousin, Keri sent Jason and I today. Isn't he adorable?!

As I was making dinner tonight, after crying and calling Keri to happily accept our new roles, after telling my mom and dad, Jason came up to me, smiled and said, "It's so nice to see you so genuinely happy." I turned to him, gave him a big hug and said, "Can you believe it, you and I get to have titles with mother and father in them." I am still stunned.

Thank you, Keri and Ryan. We love your boys, we are honored to be Brady's Godparents and you have ushered a nice warm glow into my world.

And so, it's Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to all the mother's out there. We took my mom out to breakfast at a local restaurant called Tupelo Junction. She had vanilla dipped french toast with berry sauce and homemade whipped cream; I had pumpkin oatmeal waffles with caramelized pecans, bananas and whipped cream; and Jason had an everything bagel topped with an omelet, smoked salmon and cream cheese with home fries. It was delicious! My mom really enjoyed it.

I do have to say, though, today is a bit tough for me. The 2nd Mother's Day that I've hoped to be on my way to motherhood, only to be still trying to get there. At breakfast we were surrounded by families with multiple generations of mom's and although I realize that's life and today IS Mother's Day, it only makes me wish even more than normal that I could be a member of the club, too. My mom made a nice toast at breakfast. She said, "Let's toast to the hope that this time next year, Melissa will be celebrating Mother's Day with a child of her own." Here here.

So here's to my Mom: thank you for all you do, for the supportive hugs and empathetic tears, for the late night calls checking to see if I'm feeling alright when I'm sick or feeling down, for knowing what it feels like to want a baby so much it hurts, for always encouraging me to never give up hope, for loving me just as a I am, infertility and all, and for being such an outright awesome friend and mother. I love you!!

Arizona, and the dreaded 2ww

First things first. We finally booked our trip to Arizona! We waited out the fluctuating prices on hotels.com and got our flight + 5-night stay + car package for a really good deal! This will be such a good thing for us: a chance to relax, see some beautiful sights and enjoy being together. It was hard making the final move to book it, since money is tight right now with all of my medical bills and after just having paid taxes (that's a whole other subject), but it's something we need to do for us and it's definitely something fun to look forward to!

And now, the 2ww. As with most things these days, there is a certain "lingo" that one becomes accustomed to seeing and using in this age of the acronym. And infertility is no different. The "dreaded 2ww" stands for the two week wait, which is the span of time between ovulation and when I can test for pregnancy. It's called that because, as you can well imagine, waiting is the most nerve-wracking part. Especially when you're infertile because this is not your 2nd or 3rd try, this is usually the umpteenth time you've done this wait and it gets more and more difficult as each month passes. For us, it's month 17th. This is the time in which we just have to hope and pray that things actually worked out for us this month, that the cells are dividing and multiplying and the new little "Nam-to-be" is making it's way up to my uterus as we speak. We've done all that we can, and now...we wait. Two LOOOONG weeks.

I know two weeks doesn't seem like a long time, and in the scheme of things, it's not, but again, this isn't the 2nd, 3rd or even 10th time we've done this, so we (especially me) gets very anxious and you start looking (even subconsciously) for little signs that this month is "different" than the others. This is "the one." Sound a bit crazy? It is.

So put your praying caps on, folks, and please pray and hope for our success this month: pray that our prayers are answered and our dream of becoming parents takes root. Cross your fingers, toes, eyes and anything else you can think of. Imagine how cute our little baby Nam will be. Pray that our trip to Arizona is more celebratory than we ever imagined. Amen.

Since timing is everything...

...we might be screwed on this cycle. I started feeling sick again on Friday night, got home from an unusually long day at work and just felt like going to bed. When I woke up on Saturday, I felt better but had a fuzzy feeling in my throat. Oh no. I was sick the week before last for 4 days but was fine all of last week so I'm guessing this is either something new or a delayed relapse. At any rate, I went in to Urgent Care this morning first thing after being up most of the night with a horrendous sore throat to find out that I have a mix of laryngitis and a virus infection...neither of which they can give me anything for. Yippee. So I am home for the next two days from work since I work in skilled nursing and the frail elderly catch things easier than the general population. Two more days of PTO hours gone.

Why does this pertain to my cycle, you ask? Because I got a positive surge on my ovulation kit yesterday which means I'm ovulating while I'm newly sick...which as you can imagine isn't exactly the best, most opportune time. My body is fighting off being sick and we're hoping it can try and do that WHILE splitting cells and doing all of the tricky things necessary to achieve pregnancy. Not to mention we aren't able to do our, shall I call it "business" as often as we need to because I'm not feeling well AND don't want to share this with Jason. All of that is stress on the body, which can inhibit the whole process at any point. So, unless this month is truly meant to be and something miraculous happens, it might be a lost month after all. But maybe not, maybe we'll get lucky.

As my cousin, Keri, pointed out, I need to focus on the positive and not stress out my body even more by thinking about the potential negatives. After all, I did grow an egg of viable size and ovulate all on my own. Those are two very important steps so even if we don't conceive this month, we're on the right track. Thank you, Keri, for reminding me to do what I promised myself I would try and do more of, which is to remain calm and positive.

Now, it's time for me to rest. Maybe a nap will do this body good.