What do you put as a title for a post like this?

Although the procedure itself went ok this morning, I found out some really hard news. I need open heart surgery. I will be put on a bypass and they'll stop my heart so they can remove scar tissue that is building up on the right side of my heart and blocking blood flow to a main valve. The VSD that I've had since birth has apparently closed, but the damage it did to my heart needs to be surgically removed. The doctor at UCLA said it was actually a blessing I haven't gotten pregnant so far, because the extra stress put on the heart caused by pregnancy could have given me a heart attack or stroke.

Seeing as though I'm crying as I'm typing this post, I'd say I'm not handling it well at all. I will be off of work for 6-8 weeks and the surgery will be taking place at the end of this month or the beginning of next, depending on the surgeon's availability. I am absolutely terrified, to the point where I simply cannot put my terror into words.

I don't know what else to say.

Nervous Nellie

My heart appointment is on Thursday (Oct. 1) and I'm very nervous, anxious, scared, you name it. I know it's something I need to do but I'm scared about what they're going to find, about what's going to need to happen and how the procedure will feel. I've never had a tube stuck down my throat before (although I'm willing to bet I'm in the majority there) and I'm sensitive to meds and they're giving me a valium IV.

So please, once again, please keep me in your thoughts. I need to get through this so we can find out what (if anything) we're dealing with so we can move on. I want a baby more than ever and this is just one more hurdle, one more step in the right direction, but I'm scared...and I want everything to be alright. I've kind of forgotten what it's like to have a day where I don't worry about something big. The last 19 months of my life have been so full of anxiety and stress and I just really need this to be ok. I need to be ok.

Thank you for your support and prayers. It all means so much.

Another mountain to move

If you've been wondering where I've been these last two weeks, fasten your seatbelts. Although initially it seemed like things were progressing nicely, my five little eggies did not develop...at all. It also seemed as though I was not going to have any adverse effects with the new drug. LIE. I have had an irregular heart beat/heart palpitations all day, every day for 2-weeks and counting. It's not like it occurs every few hours, or even every few minutes. It's every few seconds, all day, for two weeks. No joke.

Now, to some of you this might just seem like an annoyance. And yes, yes it certainly is. But others of you know that I have a less common than most heart murmur and have to keep an eye on it every year or so with an EKG. I was born with it, but it's something, now that I'm an adult, that I have to watch out for and take care of by being proactive and staying healthy. One side of my heart is also bigger than the other, which is not explained away by the murmur, so I've been keeping an eye on it for the past nearly 2 years. So, you can see why the irregularity of my heart beat and rate would make me concerned. I have had to keep in touch with UCLA's congenital heart defect center during this whole process and actually had to present the fertility clinic with a letter from my cardiologist stating that I was fit to carry a child before beginning treatment, so now that I'm taking fertility drugs that are affecting my heart, I'm going in for another assessment at UCLA on September 30. I am going to have a procedure done (under conscious sedation, which seems like an oxymoron to me but whatever) where they put a tube down my throat with a camera on it and take pictures of my heart in action. We'll know more then.

In the mean time, it's been a two week roller coaster of emotion, something I should be used to by now but am not. We have decided to postpone all fertility procedures and ventures until I find out what's going on with my heart. This might sound all very matter of fact, but in all honesty, I'm petrified. I'm feeling very overwhelmed with anxiety, worry and apprehension, and again, it's another something I can't control. I have not felt "good" for almost a year now, with all of the meds and the emotional stress. So, I am coming to you all once again for a different kind of prayer proposal, this time for me and my overall health. Please keep me in your thoughts. This has been a really hard time for us and for me, and I'm finding that I'm wavering in strength more and more. Thank GOD for my wonderful husband, Jason and his undying support and strength. He has held me up and helped me move forward, being strong for us both when I couldn't be. He has remained focused on the positives when I could only see the negatives. What a blessing he is!! Below is a song that I have held close these past few days. I heard it on the radio and have felt a special connection to it ever since.

When You Believe
Duet by Whitney Houston and Mariah Carey

Many nights we've prayed
With no proof anyone could hear
In our hearts a hopeful song
We barely understood

Now we are not afraid
Although we know there's much to fear
We were moving mountains long
Before we knew we could

There can be miracles, when you believe
Though hope is frail, it's hard to kill
Who knows what miracles you can achieve
When you believe, somehow you will
You will when you believe

In this time of fear
When prayers so often prove(s) in vain
Hope seems like the summer birds
Too swiftly flown away

Yet now I'm standing here
My heart's so full I can't explain
Seeking faith and speaking words
I never thought I'd say

There can be miracles, when you believe
Though hope is frail, it's hard to kill
Who knows what miracles you can achieve
When you believe, somehow you will
You will when you believe

They don't (always happen) when you ask
And it's easy to give in to your fears
But when you're blinded by your pain
Can't see your way straight through the rain
(A small but )still resilient voice
Says (hope is very near)

There can be miracles
(Miracles)
When you believe
(Lord, when you believe)
Though hope is frail
(Though hope is frail)
It's hard to kill
Who knows what miracles,you can achieve
When you believe, somehow you will (somehow,somehow, somehow)
somehow you will
You will when you believe

You will when you
You will when you believe
Just believe...in your heart
Just believe
You will when you believe~

5 little eggies

My cousin "wrote" me a song yesterday. It goes (sung to the tune of "one little, two little, three little Indians"):
One little, two little, three little eggies,
four little, five little, six little eggies,
seven little, eight little, nine little eggies,
ten little eggies for Melissa!

Well, I had my follow-up ultrasound today and found out that I am growing 5 little eggies! There actually could be one or two more if some smaller follicles end up catching up in size but for now, it's looking like there will be 5. Of course, some of those 5 could end up NOT growing to the desired size so that's always a possibility too but for now, we're hoping for the 5. I know that seems like a lot, but women with PCOS don't always make "good eggs" so when the number is higher like that, there is a better chance of one of them being a "good egg." I had 4 eggies last time and none of them fertilized so five is not really pushing the envelope. I go in for my next ultrasound next Tuesday (cycle day 14) to track their growth so I'll have a better idea at that time of how many we'll actually be dealing with. In the mean time, let's hope they continue to grow and let's hope and PRAY that this is the month!!!

Finally, some good news

My cycle finally arrived on Wednesday, only 4 days late which is great considering the cyst could have delayed things even longer since it filled with estrogen but it came relatively on time. So I went for my cycle day three ultrasound on Friday and found out that the cyst is GONE!! Both ovaries are clear (besides the tiny cysts that are always there due to the PCOS) but the monster that was taking over my right ovary disappeared on it's own, no surgery needed!! I think the doctors were a bit surprised because when they called me back to go over my results they asked if I had had surgery to remove it and just didn't tell them...but I said nope, it went away all on it's own, I'm a lucky, lucky girl.

So they put me on a new fertility med called Femara, 2.5mg 2x a day. It's another two-fer drug. It's used primarily as a chemotherapy drug for breast cancer but is also used for the treatment of infertility in aiding in the growth and production of eggs. Yay. I've been taking it for two days now and haven't really had any side effects other than a headache (which is what happened when I was on Clomid) so we're hopeful that this month will be successful and I'll be able to tolerate the full 5 days of taking it.

We have decided to try one more IUI, which will be our third attempt. Three's a charm, right? If this one doesn't work, we will move on to IVF. Please Please PLEASE pray for us and send good thoughts our way as we would really like this to be the end of our infertility journey and avoid having to go the IVF route, for more reasons than one. Thank you for your support and love, we couldn't get through this without it or you!!

Another set back

Last Friday, during my usual day 3 cycle ultrasound, they found I had a huge residual cyst on my right ovary (56mmx44mm) roughly the size of a golf ball or a bit bigger (small tennis ball) left over from my last cycle. Obviously not encouraging. So I was told to check back with them on Monday to make an appointment to see Dr. Surrey so he could check on it and talk with us about our options going forward. I had my appointment with him today and found out that the cyst is still there, hasn't gotten any smaller and actually seems to have grown a bit. Again, obviously not encouraging. The only good news is that is is clear and fluid filled so not cancerous. I have to wait until my next cycle (roughly 3 more weeks) to get blood work done and have another ultrasound to see if the cyst is gone or shrinking on it's own or not. If it's not gone, I will have to have it removed via laproscopic surgery. They cannot allow a cyst of that size to stay on my ovary. As it is, I won't ovulate this cycle (so it's hindering my fertility even more) and I can't exercise because there is a huge risk the cyst can burst, which would permanently damage my ovary and send me to the ER. Things just keep getting better.

Dr. Surrey said that although it's frustrating and scary, the cyst may be a blessing in disguise of sorts because if they do end up having to remove it laproscopically, it would enable them to take pictures of my reproductive tract and figure out definitively what is going on and why we are not conceiving, which would help them better determine which steps to take next on our fertility journey. I DO NOT enjoy the idea of surgery, I am terrified they will find something really horribly wrong with me, but I also feel like we're getting closer to figuring out what's really going on. And hopefully, the cyst will go away on it's own and it won't be a problem. I just really need things to look up. Something positive and good has to come from all of this...right?

...

Negative. Another unsuccessful month. That makes 19 consecutive unsuccessful months. I hit a new low tonight. When I found out, sounds emitted from my mouth that I didn't know a human could make. I felt like someone had died. I sobbed and shook and and hyperventilated and felt like I was going to pass out and throw up for 45 minutes straight.

And then I stopped.

I am still beyond terrified of not being able to have our own children. But I was able to calm down enough to eat dinner and write this entry. I guess I have to start somewhere. A big bowl of ice cream may be in my very near future.

I talked with the doctor and we don't have all that many options left. We can do IUI two more times, and then after that, if neither of them have resulted in pregnancy, they recommend we move on to IVF, as there most likely is some unforeseen cause that is inhibiting our success. IVF is not a few hundred dollars, it's not even a few thousand, it's $12k - $15k PER TRY. Can we afford this? NO. Will we do this anyway? ABSOLUTELY. IVF has a success rate of a bit over 50% if the patient has viable eggs that result in a viable embryo once combined with viable sperm, so hopefully, that will happen if we need to do it.

But, we still have two IUI's to try before IVF. Unfortunately, both will have to be drug-free as I had an adverse reaction to clomid this month, which means I can't be on it anymore. The only other egg stimulant is injections and they don't do them for an IUI, only IVF. So let's hope that one of the next two IUI attempts works.

Please pray for us. This has been the hardest thing we've ever been through and I am terrified that biological children are not in our future. I believe I am a strong person, but my strength is really being tested. I am going to try these next few months to work on my optimism and try and find some hope, but any "good word" you can put in for us would be appreciated more than I can express. I need to be lifted up.

3 out of 4

During my ultrasound this morning, I found out that 3 out of my 4 viable eggs seemed to have released with this last ovulation, which is good news! I decided after some deliberation to leave the 4th egg be and either it will go on it's own when it's ready or it won't...either way, 3 eggs for the sperm to hit is 3x better than just one. I could have had an HCG shot to make the last egg release and then we could have followed that with another IUI tomorrow but I'm too aware of the chances of conceiving multiples to risk that. From this point on, I have to let nature take it's course: it either will be our month, or it won't. It was a hard decision, because after all of this time and effort we want to do all we can to ensure success but at the same time we don't want to get ourselves in over our heads. Because I have a certain type of heart murmur, if I conceive more than two, I would have to selectively reduce...meaning abort some of the babies...for my own safety health wise. As you can imagine, having to do that after all we've been through would be beyond devastating. I don't want to have to go there. So, being cautious and not trying to hit every single egg is what I chose to do. Jason is in full agreeance with my decision, and who knows, the last egg could have released all by itself during the day today.

This whole thing continues to get more and more challenging as time goes on, with more decisions to make, and more appointments and information to keep straight. The next step is getting my blood drawn on Thursday to check my progesterone levels. If they are low, they might want to put me on a low dose of progesterone as an added support for the latter half of my cycle (the luteal phase) which is when conception would occur. I will keep taking estrogen to continue to keep my uterine lining plush. In other words, I will continue to be hormonal. Oh joy.

IUI, numero dos

I had my IUI today and it went smoothly. I am going in for an ultrasound tomorrow morning to make sure my eggs were released with ovulation, as I have a nagging feeling that they weren't so to ease my mind, we're spending $180. Peace of mind is expensive but when you're me, it's worth it. I got my positive ovulation kit early Sunday morning. It was day 14, which has never happened before. I've never been that on time, so, being me, I'm convinced it was some sort of mistake and I really haven't ovulated yet so today's IUI didn't do anything. Hence my appointment tomorrow. If the ultrasound shows that I did ovulate, good for me, we'll just have to hope the IUI worked. If it shows I didn't, I will have an HCG shot which will force ovulation, and then do another IUI on Wednesday. So there you have it, you're all caught up. Wish us luck!

New Hope

I had my ultrasound this morning and found out that I have 4 (4!!!) viable eggs!! Normally, I only have 1 and one time I had 2 but that was the first time I was on clomid (in March) and it's thought that only 1 of the 2 made it to maturity. The fact that I have 4 potential eggs is incredible and makes us feel so hopeful...and a bit scared. There is, of course, the slight possibility that all 4 could fertilize but that possibility is so slight it's not even worth worrying about. There is a higher possibility that two could fertilize and implant, and an even bigger chance of one of them making it, so we're focusing on that. As I said in a previous post, with an IUI the doctors aim to have at least 2 viable eggs to help a patient's chances of conception, so I'm sitting pretty with 4. But, as I've learned and as I've been reminded, even with 4 viable eggs there is the chance that we still won't conceive. There are other variables that factor into the equation, such as my PCOS which carries a higher risk of miscarriage. Going in to these types of procedures, there are no guarantees, even when it looks promising.

Beginning tonight, I have to take an estrogen pill to help thicken my uterine lining, as it's a bit thinner than they'd like to see. Because they want to give me the best chance possible, they want the receiving area (my uterus) to be as ready as it can be, and that means a nice, plush lining for the egg to implant in to. There is the chance that my body would make the thicker lining on it's own, but they don't want to take that chance so they're helping it along. Clomid sometimes makes the uterine lining thin, so that is probably what happened this time.

As we once again find ourselves cloaked in cautious optimism, please keep us close to your hearts and in your thoughts and prayers.

I've had better days

Unfortunately, the IUI did not take and my cycle started today. It's been really hard, even harder than previous months because I learned that I had what is referred to as a chemical pregnancy. Nine DPO (days past ovulation) and thus nine days past when I was inseminated, I began having some pretty severe nausea. I didn't vomit but came close and had some overall food aversions. More nausea came on 11 DPO, again with the food aversions. I also had some other symptoms that I won't go in to here but trust me, they were there. We were feeling pretty confident and getting excited, although remaining relatively cautious and guarded. Then on Thursday, June 18 I started spotting and that went on for 4 days, which led in to today. My cycle was painful and heavy, and those two things combined with the previous symptoms and the fact that I was late by 3 days has led the doctors to believe that I had a chemical pregnancy. Basically, a chemical pregnancy is when the egg is fertilized but either didn't implant or didn't implant properly, causing the pregnancy to miscarry. So yea, it's been a rough day.

I know it's not healthy, but I just can't stop thinking about how close we were. If the blastocyst had somehow hung on, I'd be typing a very different entry right now. I'm thankful I didn't miscarry later on, like get a positive result and then miscarry a few weeks or months later. I know plenty of people, even in my own family, who have suffered that type of loss and it's devastating. So I guess I have to find and focus on the silver lining. I've also discovered another aspect of this whole process that really is challenging: in this case, doing something or having something happen over and over again doesn't make it easier, it only gets harder with each unsuccessful month. It's not like retaking a test until you improve, it's not like learning from your mistakes so you do better, it's harder and more emotionally draining each and every time.

So where do we go from here? We start all over again. I'm scheduled for my first ultrasound of the cycle this coming Wednesday, and will most likely start on clomid at that time as well. Then I will have some blood drawn, have about 3 more ultrasounds leading up to ovulation, take my test kit until a surge is detected and then go in for insemination, probably two times like this month. It's just all so tiring. This month marks the 1.5 year mark (18 months) that we've been officially actively trying for a baby. Please keep praying for us, please keep us in your thoughts. We're still in need of some positive vibes. The fact that so many of you keep telling us how you can't imagine us without kids is a driving force for us to keep moving forward. We appreciate the support and love, more than you know.

And now, we wait

I had my two rounds of IUI (one yesterday afternoon and one today) and it wasn't really all that bad. Jason decided to submit his samples in the office once we found out the sample is only usable for 15 minutes after it's "collected" and it has to be kept at a certain body temp or it goes bad. He was really nervous about keeping it warm enough and making it to the office on time so he opted to just put aside his embarrassment and pride and take care of business at the office. I'm so proud of him, he is a trooper!! The NP who did the inseminations was very impressed by Jason's samples, so much so she made a point of telling us both times and wanted to show us what sperm looked like under a microscope. It was a bit odd to look at those little guys knowing that one of them could end up being "The One" to impregnate me but pretty cool, too. The sperm wash (where they spin it to filter out the "filler" and inactive sperm to only leave behind the best of the best for the insemination) took about 45 minutes. The insemination itself only took about 3 minutes or so. It didn't hurt, it was just mildly uncomfortable and the NP was great about telling me what was going to happen and letting me know what I was going to feel before I felt it so I was prepared. Then, I had to lie with my butt elevated and knees together for 15 minutes. And that was that. And so, now we wait.

I can test for pregnancy in 14 days, but that will be the last day of our trip so we'll probably wait until we get back to test. Hopefully my period won't come and I'll have a reason to wait. This waiting time is our greatest need for good thoughts and prayers. Positive energy can't be a bad thing so please send some our way. Again, we thank you all for your love and support. We couldn't get through this journey without you!

We're getting closer...

Today is day 11 of my cycle, and I had an ultrasound this morning to check on the progress of my follicles. I have one dominant follicle on my right ovary that is 12mm as of today, and smaller ones around 11-9mm, and then another 12mm and a 10mm on my left ovary. In the past, I have ovulated on day 16 or 17 of my cycle, so we're hoping for the same this time so my follicles have a chance to continue to grow. Again, a mature follicle is considered anywhere from 18-22mm, although the nurse I spoke to today said she has seen pregnancies result from 16mm follicles so it just depends on the overall environment and situation. The lining of my uterus was a bit too thin on Wednesday when I had my 2nd ultrasound this cycle, and they were thinking about putting me on estrogen to thicken it, but after today's ultrasound, they decided against it as my lining had thickened by 2cm in 2 days, so they're not concerned about that any more. By next week, they're confident the lining will be thick enough on it's own...which is positive because you can't have pregnancy result without a lining for the fertilized egg to burrow in to. So we're hoping for a nice, plush lining. My next ultrasound is scheduled for 8am Tuesday, June 2nd. That will be cycle day 15, so we'll be VERY close to the procedure day by that point. Please keep us in your thoughts...prayers, happy thoughts, warm fuzzies are all welcome!!

Help me help you

Today is day three of my cycle. I had an ultrasound today to see how my uterus is looking, to check for any residual cysts and to get my blood work done before starting up clomid again. Everything checked out ok so I am starting clomid tonight with dinner. Watch out, here come the hormone induced headaches and mood swings.

We made a BIG decision today. We have decided, after talking with the Dr. and with the ultrasound tech, that we would like to try IUI this cycle. IUI stands for Intrauterine Insemination. A big PLUS is that it by-passes a lot of the little, important steps needed to get from point A to B, steps that ultimately determine if conception is going to take place or not. The thought now is that I have what is known as a "hostile environment" and the sperm are not surviving long enough to get to the egg. So, the IUI will place the sperm directly in the path of the egg during ovulation so as to bombard the egg on it's way down the fallopian tube. The sperm doesn't have to do any work to get there. They take the sperm sample, spin/wash it in a lab and save the best swimmers for the insemination. Jason's sperm count is above average and the motility of his "swimmers" is 85% which is also above average so we are set in that department...it's just getting the sperm to the egg, and that's where the IUI will help us out.

Before settling on this decision definitively, I wanted to find out how expensive the procedure would be, because I had heard it was pricey. I was wrong and I am soooo very glad. The entire procedure, including insemination, sperm wash, and ultrasounds leading up to the procedure comes to around $1000. I had heard it was 5x as expensive so I was very pleased and very relieved. Of course, there is no guarantee that this will work and it may take more than one time, but it's another step in the right direction for us and it has renewed and restored my hope. I feel encouraged again.

This whole experience has been such a rollercoaster. I am trying to work myself up to being cautiously optimistic because I don't want to put all of my eggs in one basket, so to speak and no pun intended. It will be more devastating if it doesn't work this time because of the extra expense but also because we're now putting our faith in science and hoping that the newer technology can make our dreams come true. If it doesn't work out, we're out $1000 and still without a baby.

This was a big decision for me. Jason was keen on the idea sooner than me, because I think it's become increasingly difficult for him to watch me go through these cycles and how crushed I am with each failed attempt. I had wanted to avoid these procedures as long as possible because I was afraid of feeling like a science project or lab rat. I had wanted to conceive our baby "naturally" with love and not with money and technology but I've started to really turn my thought process around. How lucky are we that we live in an age where this is actually possible? When my parents were struggling to have me, it took them 7 long years because they didn't have the same options as we do. And, this baby will be so very loved and it won't matter how it was conceived. What will matter is how much we love our child and how much we love each other. Our faith in our relationship and our faith that this will all work out one way or another is what matters. How we get there is irrelevent.

So, with a little help from above, a little push from technology and some spending green, mixed in with lots of prayers and positive thoughts and energy, we hope to make this current cycle THE cycle. The saying, "It takes a village to raise a child," can be changed to fit our circumstance. For us, "it takes a village to MAKE a child." Thank you for being a part of our village.

Let's do the time warp again

As you can probably guess, since I haven’t written a joyful post the second we had good news, we were not successful in conceiving this month. However, the silver lining is the fact that this cycle was clomid free and I did it all on my own. Start to finish, a complete cycle without fertility help. And so, here we are, back at the beginning again. I won’t lie to you. It’s been difficult. I shut myself up in a quiet room, sat on the floor against the door and balled my eyes out while Jason was out on a walk with the dog. I needed that time to myself and although I think it did me good, it was a painful cry. To say that I’m sad would be an understatement. It has moved beyond sad. Sad is not an appropriate descriptor to use anymore. I feel more like a kind of emptiness is setting in. Each time we go through this, a small piece of me is scooped out. I hope it all grows back when our prayers are answered and we become parents, but I’m beginning to believe that this whole experience, like anything else life changing, becomes a part of who you are and therefore, I’ll probably always have a scar. I just hope I feel more like a survivor rather than a victim, as I do now.

I asked Jason if he thought we were being punished for something. Is it because we don’t attend church anymore? Was it because we went “against God” and used birth control? Did I do something bad in another life, and this is how I’m being made to pay my dues? His answer was “no, it doesn’t work that way,” and I know he’s probably right but it’s hard to keep those thoughts out of my head sometimes. We’re good people. We’re happily married with good jobs and health insurance. People like us, and we pay our taxes. Why is this happening to us? No one would make you go through this if it wasn’t meant to be a punishment. It’s certainly not enjoyable, so what’s the alternative? The Christian in me knows that I’m supposed to be learning something from this whole experience. And Lord knows I’ve heard the old adage, “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle.” And you can’t leave out, “That which doesn’t kill you, only makes you stronger.” But like Kanye West so eloquently said in his hit song, Stronger, “I need you to hurry up now, ‘cause I can’t wait much longer.”

Can't seem to hold a charge

It's happened. I've somehow begun to liken myself to electronic equipment. I was thinking about things while doing laundry tonight and it dawned on me that I'm like our Mac lap top. It needs a new battery so it doesn't hold a charge, even when it's plugged in. Kind of like me. Even with help, even on clomid, even when using ovulation prediction kits with my returned regular cycles, even when there are professionals telling us when and when not to do our business, I can't get pregnant. Jason's guys can't do their job because for some reason, they're not meeting up with an egg, and even if they do meet, they're not happy together. In short, I can't hold a charge.

I know my 2 week wait for this cycle isn't over yet so I don't yet have cause to feel defeated, but I can't help it. 16 "nope, you're not pregnant yet" cycles have done this to me. I hope and pray that this month, I can hold my charge. Please, oh please let me be pregnant.

I'm going to be Brady's Godmother!!

Brayden Kenneth Metzger was born on March 2nd, 2009. He is cuter than cute and he is going to be my GODSON! I am so very thrilled!! I can't honestly remember when I have felt this happy, jubilant, honored, bursting. With everything going on with my infertility, it's been hard to find a sunny spot in life but this, this is it. To the right is the picture my cousin, Keri sent Jason and I today. Isn't he adorable?!

As I was making dinner tonight, after crying and calling Keri to happily accept our new roles, after telling my mom and dad, Jason came up to me, smiled and said, "It's so nice to see you so genuinely happy." I turned to him, gave him a big hug and said, "Can you believe it, you and I get to have titles with mother and father in them." I am still stunned.

Thank you, Keri and Ryan. We love your boys, we are honored to be Brady's Godparents and you have ushered a nice warm glow into my world.

And so, it's Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to all the mother's out there. We took my mom out to breakfast at a local restaurant called Tupelo Junction. She had vanilla dipped french toast with berry sauce and homemade whipped cream; I had pumpkin oatmeal waffles with caramelized pecans, bananas and whipped cream; and Jason had an everything bagel topped with an omelet, smoked salmon and cream cheese with home fries. It was delicious! My mom really enjoyed it.

I do have to say, though, today is a bit tough for me. The 2nd Mother's Day that I've hoped to be on my way to motherhood, only to be still trying to get there. At breakfast we were surrounded by families with multiple generations of mom's and although I realize that's life and today IS Mother's Day, it only makes me wish even more than normal that I could be a member of the club, too. My mom made a nice toast at breakfast. She said, "Let's toast to the hope that this time next year, Melissa will be celebrating Mother's Day with a child of her own." Here here.

So here's to my Mom: thank you for all you do, for the supportive hugs and empathetic tears, for the late night calls checking to see if I'm feeling alright when I'm sick or feeling down, for knowing what it feels like to want a baby so much it hurts, for always encouraging me to never give up hope, for loving me just as a I am, infertility and all, and for being such an outright awesome friend and mother. I love you!!

Arizona, and the dreaded 2ww

First things first. We finally booked our trip to Arizona! We waited out the fluctuating prices on hotels.com and got our flight + 5-night stay + car package for a really good deal! This will be such a good thing for us: a chance to relax, see some beautiful sights and enjoy being together. It was hard making the final move to book it, since money is tight right now with all of my medical bills and after just having paid taxes (that's a whole other subject), but it's something we need to do for us and it's definitely something fun to look forward to!

And now, the 2ww. As with most things these days, there is a certain "lingo" that one becomes accustomed to seeing and using in this age of the acronym. And infertility is no different. The "dreaded 2ww" stands for the two week wait, which is the span of time between ovulation and when I can test for pregnancy. It's called that because, as you can well imagine, waiting is the most nerve-wracking part. Especially when you're infertile because this is not your 2nd or 3rd try, this is usually the umpteenth time you've done this wait and it gets more and more difficult as each month passes. For us, it's month 17th. This is the time in which we just have to hope and pray that things actually worked out for us this month, that the cells are dividing and multiplying and the new little "Nam-to-be" is making it's way up to my uterus as we speak. We've done all that we can, and now...we wait. Two LOOOONG weeks.

I know two weeks doesn't seem like a long time, and in the scheme of things, it's not, but again, this isn't the 2nd, 3rd or even 10th time we've done this, so we (especially me) gets very anxious and you start looking (even subconsciously) for little signs that this month is "different" than the others. This is "the one." Sound a bit crazy? It is.

So put your praying caps on, folks, and please pray and hope for our success this month: pray that our prayers are answered and our dream of becoming parents takes root. Cross your fingers, toes, eyes and anything else you can think of. Imagine how cute our little baby Nam will be. Pray that our trip to Arizona is more celebratory than we ever imagined. Amen.

Since timing is everything...

...we might be screwed on this cycle. I started feeling sick again on Friday night, got home from an unusually long day at work and just felt like going to bed. When I woke up on Saturday, I felt better but had a fuzzy feeling in my throat. Oh no. I was sick the week before last for 4 days but was fine all of last week so I'm guessing this is either something new or a delayed relapse. At any rate, I went in to Urgent Care this morning first thing after being up most of the night with a horrendous sore throat to find out that I have a mix of laryngitis and a virus infection...neither of which they can give me anything for. Yippee. So I am home for the next two days from work since I work in skilled nursing and the frail elderly catch things easier than the general population. Two more days of PTO hours gone.

Why does this pertain to my cycle, you ask? Because I got a positive surge on my ovulation kit yesterday which means I'm ovulating while I'm newly sick...which as you can imagine isn't exactly the best, most opportune time. My body is fighting off being sick and we're hoping it can try and do that WHILE splitting cells and doing all of the tricky things necessary to achieve pregnancy. Not to mention we aren't able to do our, shall I call it "business" as often as we need to because I'm not feeling well AND don't want to share this with Jason. All of that is stress on the body, which can inhibit the whole process at any point. So, unless this month is truly meant to be and something miraculous happens, it might be a lost month after all. But maybe not, maybe we'll get lucky.

As my cousin, Keri, pointed out, I need to focus on the positive and not stress out my body even more by thinking about the potential negatives. After all, I did grow an egg of viable size and ovulate all on my own. Those are two very important steps so even if we don't conceive this month, we're on the right track. Thank you, Keri, for reminding me to do what I promised myself I would try and do more of, which is to remain calm and positive.

Now, it's time for me to rest. Maybe a nap will do this body good.

Day 13 and counting

I finally have some good news! My ultrasound showed that I have one viable egg on my right ovary (currently 15.5 mm in size) and my uterine lining is 9cm, which is awesome since it should be between 8cm - 10cm. By cycle day 16 (which is when I usually ovulate) it will be 18.5 - 19mm in size. So...I'm producing viable eggs on my own and my body is getting ready for ovulation like it should be, without the aid of fertility drugs!! I am so excited and, although it might sound odd, I'm proud of myself! I know I had no control over what was happening so it's not like I held the reins or anything but I feel so good and so hopeful. I know that even when I ovulate, we'll only still have a 25% chance of conception just like everyone else but making eggs and ovulating on my own is such a huge step in the right direction. :)

Now, some of you may be thinking, "why is she getting so excited about creating eggs, it's what a woman's body does, we all do it," but here's the thing: my body WASN'T doing it. I went a whole year, from January 2008 - December 2008 with sporadic cycles, sometimes missing 2 cycles in a row. I don't even know if I was ovulating during that time, and the general consensus among the doctors is that I was not, since we didn't conceive that year and most people our age only take 3-6 months. So, you can see how this seemingly natural, normal thing is such a milestone for me.

I also found out that my residual cyst from the cycle before (the reason I'm not doing clomid this cycle) has disappeared as hoped. So that's another chunk of good news, too!

What's next? Well, today is cycle day 13 and I have to start my ovulation test sticks (pee on special sticks to test for ovulation) starting tomorrow. When I get a positive, it will mean that I am going to ovulate within the next 24 hours. If I don't get a positive over the weekend, I am to have another ultrasound Monday morning to see what the eggs is doing and then if it's still there, I will be given a trigger shot to release it.

Wish me (us) luck! And thank you for the prayers, God must have heard you and rewarded your kindness. :)

Say a little prayer for me

I have an ultrasound tomorrow morning at 8am to check and see if I'm producing eggs on my own during this "natural" cycle. Tomorrow will be day 13 and that's usually when I go in to track my egg size progress. This part is actually very interesting because usually, on day 13, I get to see how many eggs of potentially viable size are on each ovary (usually one or two) and how big they are. Last month, I had no eggs on the right and two on the left: one egg was 14mm and the other was 16. They grow approximately one millimeter a day until ovulation and I have been ovulating on day 16, so last cycle (by ovulation day) I had one that was 17mm and one that was 19mm, give or take. "Viable" is anywhere between 18 and 22mm. I also took a trigger shot last cycle which is 10,000cc of the hormone HCG which is the hormone that triggers ovulation...hence the name trigger shot. The only down side to taking the shot is that it's A LOT of hormone so it's hard to distinguish if you're feeling real pregnancy symptoms during the famous 2-week waiting period (the fun time when you're awaiting your cycle but are hoping to not get it), or just symptoms brought on by the overload of hormone...in my case, it was hormone overload.

Tomorrow's appointment has extra significance because I'll find out IF I'm producing eggs on my own, and IF they're of viable size. Up until this point they've only been tracking my egg production while on Clomid, which helps your body produce eggs of a viable size. Even with Clomid, I've been producing eggs that are on the small end of the "viable" size spectrum so I'm very curious (and a bit scared/anxious) to see what's happening in there. I have had some pains in my ovaries over the past few days which normally means I'm growing eggs and getting ready for ovulation, but who knows. At this point in the game, I feel like I'm looking for any twinge or oddity to tell me something when maybe there really isn't anything to tell. So I'm REALLY hoping tomorrow has some good news for me.

If I am growing eggs on my own this cycle, I will be doing the trigger shot again because with the shot, I can guarantee ovulation. In addition, I can figure out an approximate time frame in which ovulation will occur. After the shot, I will ovulate within 36 hours. For someone who has fertility issues, you can imagine how valuable the knowledge that an egg will be making it's journey down the tube is. It has a lot to do with peace of mind, although we did experience a bit of pressure last month. An egg is only good for 12 hours after it's released from the ovary. KNOWING it's happening and KNOWING you only have approximately 36 hours to do your "business" is incredibly stressful. This whole experience all on it's own is incredibly stressful so you can imagine how one more added stress (especially one that either makes or breaks your success for the cycle) can really add some weight.

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. Please hope that I'm making eggs and that this cycle will be the one for us. We're so tired of thinking about all of this, and are so looking forward to being parents...so much that it hurts. The fear is starting to creep in that this will be a lot longer, more strenuous of a journey that either one of us had ever anticipated. So please put in an extra good word for us when you say your goodnight's. We need all the prayers we can get.

Come away with me

Jason and I are planning a trip to get away from the stresses of every day life in June.  We found this great deal for the week of June 15.  We're flying in to Phoenix from SB (no driving down to LAX for us), renting a car and spending 6 days/5 nights at a 4-star resort in Scottsdale, AZ.  From there, we can pretty much drive to anywhere.  Everything worth seeing is about 1.5-3 hours away from Scottsdale.  We really want to see the Grand Canyon, spend some time in Sedona and just RELAX.  There are lots of museums, shops, restaurants and day hiking spots in Arizona so we're just planning on seeing what each day brings and go and do whatever sounds good that day.  This will be our gift to each other for our upcoming 3-year anniversary in August and in addition, this year also marks our 10th year together.  We started dating when we were 15, 10 years ago this September.  :)

We struggled with the date of our trip because the week of June 15 would be (if I follow the same cycle pattern) the week I would expect (or rather hope to skip) my period.  That is usually a hugely stressful/anxious time for me, but Jason had a really good point in that what better time to keep my mind occupied than during that time?  We'll be doing fun things, keeping me busy and if my period comes, of course we'll be sad and disappointed, but we'll also be in a fun place, together, celebrating our marriage.  So, we settled on mid-June.  And who knows, maybe we won't have to worry about being sad.  I have to keep trying to focus on the positive.  It's important, and is a key factor in the whole relaxation process.  Unfortunately, it's easier than it sounds, but practice makes perfect.

I'm really excited for this trip.  The hotel we're staying at is just beautiful and we upgraded to a garden-view room for a few extra dollars a night.  I think it'll be a nice way for us to reconnect and remind us that although we're trying to add a new addition to our family, that we have each other and we're a family.  We try to keep that at the forefront of our minds but with life's craziness, it will be nice to get away, together, no worries, no expectations, just us.  

So where are we?

Just so we're all on the same page going forward, here are a few stats:

*I have been diagnosed with mild PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome).  If you want to know more about PCOS, feel free to google it.  Basically, cysts on my ovaries are causing me to have ovulation trouble, thus causing me to be infertile.  I say "mild" because I don't have any of the physical attributes of the syndrome (other than missing cycles off and on last year), and the missing cycles, as of January of this year, have been brought under control.  My ovaries, depending on the angle, show a few cysts lined up along the perimeter of the ovary in a "string of pearls" like fashion, characteristic of the syndrome itself.  My blood work appears to be on the fence, showing mild elevation on certain hormones that usually are indicative of PCOS, so without doing surgery there is no real way to tell if I have PCOS or not.  Thus I say, mild.

*I take medication for said syndrome called Metformin (500mg) daily.  It's main purpose is to help stabilize my ovulation cycles.

*All of last year, I had inconsistent cycles.  My longest cycle was 85 days.  Yes, you read that right.  85 days.  So, I essentially missed 2 cycles, almost 3, before I was given Provera (progesterone) in December to force a cycle.  After this forced cycle, I had what is referred to as a spontaneous cycle in January, followed by another spontaneous cycle in February.  It was after this 2nd cycle that I began taking a fertility drug called clomid (50mg for 5 days) beginning on day 3 of the cycle...which just happened to be my 25th birthday.  yay.  For those of you who don't know, clomid helps a woman grow eggs to a viable size, viable meaning best suited for fertilization.  I have had two cycle on clomid without success. :(

*I had an HSG done in February which was a process that shot dye into my fallopian tubes and uterus to check for leaks, blockages and/or abnormal shape.  Thankfully, that test came up negative for abnormalities.

*Jason is good to go on his end. :)

*We were denied insurance coverage as soon as I was labeled "infertile" so from February on, this has all been out of pocket.  Just to give you an idea of the cost involved, in the first 2 months alone (beginning February 6th) we spent nearly $3,500.  Mind you, no actual procedures have taken place yet, just doctor's visits, ultrasounds, minor tests, blood work, medication, etc.  

*And lastly, I had an ultrasound this morning (day 4 of my cycle) to check for residual cysts still hanging out from last cycle that might be on my ovaries, and they found one.  They have to check each month before giving me clomid.  Basically, because they found a residual cyst, I am not allowed to take clomid this month and as a result will be having a "natural" cycle instead.  No fertility help.  They cannot give me clomid as this cyst is large enough that it could grow larger with the clomid and could potentially burst, obviously not a safe thing.  Not to worry, they said, residual cysts are common and why they do the checks in the first place.  It should disappear on it's own by my next cycle.  So, clomid month #3 will have to wait until June.    But who knows?  Maybe I won't need month #3.   At least I can hope.

So there you are, all caught up.  You can see why this takes up so much of my time, energy and thoughts.  It's an incredibly involved process, not to mention costly, and at times, can be literally mind-numbing.  I have never known so much about my monthly cycles, never thought there would ever be a reason to know so much and truly wish I didn't HAVE to know what I know, but alas, I need to know and thus, so shall you. :)

Mostly for me, but also for you

This new blog was primarily conceived (pardon the pun) of my need for a place to keep all of the crazy details involved with our infertility path straight and in one place.  I also needed a place to write down my emotions and reactions as time goes on, as I have found journal writing too cumbersome.  That is odd for me to say, since writing used to be so much a part of my life, but it's true that the digital age has taken over and tapping keys is easier than wielding a pen...my fingers don't get as tired running across the keyboard.  

I also wanted a place to keep our select group of family and friends up to date on what is happening with us, as it has become difficult to keep sharing the same information multiple times.  I forget who I've told, the details become jumbled or lost, and at times, the information is painful to share over and over again, ie my period arrived and we are not pregnant...again.  

I want to stress how grateful Jason and I feel to have such a wonderful support network, inclusive of both family and friends.  As we enter into our 16th month of infertility, it really is a blessing to have so many people rooting for us and saying prayers and sending good thoughts.  We couldn't get through it without you and your support means so much.  So thank you, and I hope this blog is useful for you, as I hope it is for me.  Please don't feel obligated to keep tabs on us all the time, as I know everyone has their own worries and things going on in their lives, but if you're curious to see how things are going, take a look at the blog.  

There is a mild disclaimer that comes with reading this blog.  Infertility is not pretty.  There are, have been and will continue to be aspects of it that are not fun to read about.  Just be thankful you're reading about them and not enduring them yourself.  If you have endured them, you can empathize and I empathize with you.  If you don't care to read about my monthly cycles, but still want to keep abreast of what's happening, just skim over the "uncomfortable" parts.  I'm not going to edit this blog for anyone to make it happier or less uncomfortable, and I'm not going to apologize for it.  

And here we go...