...then I was sadly and sorely mistaken. I'm pregnant. The thing I thought I'd never see has come to pass and now, I'm filled with such fear, dread and anxiety about the possibility of losing it, that it's nearly all I think about. I try to push it aside, but it just comes creeping back in. "You've gotten what you've always wanted, and now it's time to take it away," it says. "If it seems to too good to be true, it usually is," it whispers. GO. AWAY.
Please don't misunderstand. I know how very lucky and blessed we are, but once an infertile, always an infertile, I guess. I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop, and I hate that. I would give anything to just revel in the awesomeness that is this miracle but the what if's are horrible, the worst they've ever been. Every twinge, every small ache or cramp, sets me on edge. Some are nice, like the tickly, itching sensation that ran across my belly yesterday afternoon, or the sensation of warmth coming from deep within that surprised me during my lunch break yesterday. I rub my belly and tell it, "Mommy and Daddy love you, stay strong, keep on growing." I wish I could gaze into a crystal ball and see what comes after these first three months.
One day at a time, one day at a time, one day at a time. We love you, baby, and I was so, SO right: you were more than worth the wait. Just be a good boy or girl and keep on growing. :)
Melissa that is so awesome! I am so happy and excited for you. It has been a long hard road to get to this point.
ReplyDeleteThose feelings you are having are typical for someone who has experienced infertility. But you have been trying at this for years. Of course you are going to worry. The hardest part is that the more you worry about not worrying the more it makes you worry. Infertility is such a B.
Just keep pushing those thoughts aside. Eventually they won't even bother coming back. You're right, one day at a time.
Thinking of you!
I can only imagine that ANYBODY in your position would feel the same way. The best you can do is take it one day at a time and enjoy every second of it. Just know that while worrying is completely normal, it's also completely useless. Focus on those positive feelings that make you smile none-stop. I sound like a hippie :)
ReplyDeleteAll perfectly normal, but like Cathy said completely useless. Enjoy this wonderful time and go have a glass of milk!!
ReplyDeleteLove you....Mom
dear...I am 27 weeks and I still am waiting for the other shoe to drop. You're not alone. This is very scary. I've been told over and over my multiple doctors, everything looks fine now and we should be in the clear. I should start enjoying my pregnancy. I'm trying, but i just can't let go of that fear.
ReplyDeletedo your best to hold fast to your miracle....and enjoy....
You are absolutely normal (I wasn't convinced it was going to happen until about week 39). Take deep breaths, and know that this will happen one day, one minute, one breath at a time. That's all we can do ... and all we can ask for. *hugs* to you ... I hope that there are moments of joy, too, despite the fear.
ReplyDeleteOh my gosh, I've missed a lot! CONGRATS!!!!!!!!! I'm so happy for you.
ReplyDeleteI understand how scary it is - don't feel bad! Everytime I get a BFP, I feel a lot of fear. Hang in there hun.
I totally understand. People with IF and recurrent pregnancy loss don't get to experience the joy of pregnancy that "normal" mothers get to have. I will pray for those thoughts to become less and less until they disappear altogether. Congratulations on you BFP!!!!
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