I had all sorts of emotions running through my head last night, all kinds of ideas on how to structure this blog entry I knew I'd be writing this morning, but now, they're all gone. How many more ways can I say that I'm feeling beaten down, beyond disappointed, sad, frustrated, angry, confused, guilty, scared, defeated, powerless, hopeless, etc etc etc? I cried for the better portion of the morning, and even that gets old because there is nothing to be gained from my tears accept a kind of release. I am 27. How in God's name can this be so hard? Haven't I been through enough? I mean, I suffered through nearly two years of infertility prior to having open heart surgery at the age of 25, had a pacemaker put in when I was 26 and now have spent 7 more months struggling with my old nemesis. Pardon me for thinking I've had more than my fair share of strife. But it's not over is it? It seems like it'll never be over, that I'll never be pregnant, never feel the miracle of life growing from within me, never see what you + me =.
I'm angry. Part of me wants to give up, at least for awhile but how do I give up on the one thing I've ever truly wanted? Will never stop wanting? Why is this so hard?
I hate it that you are here in this awful space. Abiding with you ... in love and support, and in hope, when it's hard for you to have some for yourself.
ReplyDeleteOne day, Sweetie. One day you will have your family and these will be the days of the past. And only the women who have to experience this can truly feel the blessing it will be. I'll never give up my hope for your family.---- Cathy
ReplyDeleteThere is not an infertile out there who can't completely relate to these feelings. Even those who have had success never forget the pain of defeat month after month.
ReplyDeleteIf you really want to take a break, just remind yourself that one month isn't that much. It's not that long in the grand scheme of things. That's how I always forced myself to do it. And honestly, it was such a relief when I did. I'm on a hiatus myself right now and loving it. We still do our thing when we're supposed to, but I'm not keeping track of anything for the first time in years. It is so freeing. It's a lot harder when you are still trying for #1 though. I did take a couple months off from cycling here and there before I had my one and only baby. Sometimes you just need to step back and take a breath, take some time to enjoy life and pamper yourself.
It's hard, and it sucks. Take a break, but don't give up.
Thing is, we took a 14 month "break" after I had my open heart surgery --- it wasn't optional, but we still weren't trying, so this is just our 6th month back in the game. One more month at home with this method and perhaps a two month break to train for the 5k I want to run. Maybe. I can't commit yet - we want this so SO badly. More than I can express in words, so much more.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate everyone's words of encouragement and support. IF plain sucks. :(
You know I have been there with the IF pain, in many ways still am there, and all I can think to say is **hugs** I am always hoping for you my dear friend. Try to stay positive. Go for a run! I find it's an even better release than crying is.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.babble.com/pregnancy/conception/infertility-in-vitro-fertilization-pregnancy-age/
ReplyDeleteThis was an interesting article that I think you might be able to relate to. The last lines were really deep: "Infertility is the mirror image of mourning. One starts with a death, the other ends with a birth. At some point, I pray, I’ll make it all the way to the glorious beginning of new life and new love." Praying for you
I am so sorry af showed up and you have been through so much already. I am sending you good thoughts and hope that your turn is soon.
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