Double-edged New Year

It's officially 2012, a brand spanking new year is upon us. It should be a time of rejoicing, of looking towards the future with rose colored glasses, because, after all, we have 12 whole months to "get it right".

Instead, I had a mini breakdown this morning. I am terrified of the new year. Why? Because the last 4 years have been supremely challenging, and I'm afraid that this year will be the same, or worse. 2008 was my infertility diagnosis. 2009 I had a chemical pregnancy and underwent open heart surgery....I thought I was going to die, survived, persevered, but it was an awful year. 2010 was neutral: continued recovering from surgery, had my pacemaker implant in June, and we moved in August so Jason could pursue his Master's. But, we ushered in 2011 with a fresh perspective, renewed hope, and even donned a pair of rose colored glasses for the hell of it. We did feel hopeful. We were given the green light by my cardiology team to start trying for a baby again, had a new fertility doctor, and we really felt like 2011 was going to be OUR year. Everyone agreed with us, because it had been a long time coming, hadn't it? We had been through so much, surely it was our turn for something good. And what did we get? Unemployment and financial strain, my grandfather died unexpectedly and tragically in April, a miscarriage in October, our family dog died in August, my mom's boyfriend was diagnosed with cancer in July, and my grandmother is battling dementia and depression, which has meant that my mom's life has gotten exponentially more difficult and emotionally challenging. I am WORN OUT from this year, and am not sad in the least to see it go. 

So as I said, I am terrified of this coming year just as much (if not more so) as I am hopeful that it will be the great year that we so need it to be. I sat on the edge of the bed this morning, paralyzed by the realization that today is January 1st. Could it be an awesome year? Absolutely! It could be the best one yet, one for the record books. We could get pregnant again, and our family of two could finally become  (or be on it's way to becoming) a family of three. Jason could get accepted into the doctoral program of his choice and we could move somewhere really amazing. I could get a real job, and we could feel like we're genuinely back on track again. Or...it could be another scary, gut wrenchingly emotional year. 

I'm jaded. I get that. I'm not totally blind to that reality. I write/blog because it's therapeutic. I don't do it for sympathy - I do it because if I didn't write, if I didn't get all of my fear, frustration, anger, etc out of my head and onto paper or in this case, the cyber screen, I'd go crazy. Writing is who I am. And I wish I had more uplifting words to share, I do. Trust me when I say I'm so over being pessimistic and down, but honestly you guys, 2008 through 2011 have not been filled with good things. Instead, we have bobbed and weaved through 4 years of up's and down's and the bad has eclipsed the good. It is exhausting to keep getting up and brushing myself off after each blow. I am tired. Yes, there are blessings in my life. Yes, I have an amazing husband and I am beyond lucky to be married to my best friend. Yes, my heart is healthy and overall, I am doing well with my health. Yes, I am blessed to have wonderful family and friends who love me and are so supportive in all aspects of our lives ----> if you're reading this, thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for staying on this journey with us. We couldn't do it without you!! But I need a good year. I need something good to happen, to me, to us, to my family. I need to feel like I'm not invisible, like I'm not being punished for something in a past life. I need to feel peace. I need to know that it will be alright. I need to trust that I won't always feel this blue, that this too shall pass. 

What I need, what I really need, is to believe again.